What a day

I am really having to fight today. I feel like a failure about to fall off the end of the world. I am in the basement, on and off this computer, but still, again, working on clearing this place out. It seems like that is all I do, is purge. How can that be? If that is all I do, how come it never goes away? Well, it does get better and clears out. But I just want to get it to a "finished" state, where I am not completely surrounded by junk and boxes of Things Unfinished. After cleaning out the Things Unfinished, Things Not Paid For, Things Completely Ignored side, the Office, then I go to the other side of the room, my studio, which seems to be a monumental tribute to Lost Potential, Missed Opportunities and When You Used to Have a Life. Gee, I can hardly wait to dig in.
But the End of The World part is not the mess and all those Shame Departments, it's my Very Late Mortgage. There are lots of reasons, a few reasonable and many not. I don't want to move, don't want to lose my house, don't want to have more regret. But for now, I am sad.

Just a Tuesday Night

Crabby me.
We had the Jr. High Football Banquet tonight. I guess as those things go, we were told it was one of the best. The moms involved put it together. I was not involved as they seemed to get together on their own and did not get the word out until they needed money for the banquet. I never did see a roster of the players, even tho we ask every year. On the sidelines, just like Dustin. Regardless, he had a great time. It was nice to see all the guys sitting together, having fun. They had a good season. Trophies and certificates were given, speeches delivered on scholastics, pizza and pasta and cake served, all while the R&B was playing almost too loud for visiting. I was frustrated, as we got home way after bedtime and I hate it when you can't visit who you are seated with.
Then we cannot get to the tv fast enough, can we? I wish we would just come home and skip the tv and put on the music. And talk. I know if I requested it we could, but if only it was natural. So, I don't WANT to see NCIS and I come into the kitchen to be on the laptop.
I cleaned up and purged throughout the house. Now that it is my turn to get to the studio, I am back to working outside the house. For good reason, too, as we are late on the payments again. It is nerve-wracking. I am praying a lot.

Waking thoughts

Sunday, Oct. 23, 2011
5:45 am

I've been up since 5. I used my CPAP last night, so I feel pretty good. It is dark out, and there is a big, bright star to my left as I type on the kitchen table. Kitty is on a chair to my right. I am toasting a freezer waffle since my tummy feels funny and I am not so sure what to eat. As usual, I am all in touch with details of settings and details themselves. Not sure why, but I guess I think my journals will be read and this is part of what I am like. Why that matters, I don't know, in the big scheme of things.

Which is why I am up writing. I was lying in bed thinking about how much of my life I spend so unsatisfied, most of it because of my own lack of discipline, foggy thinking, and/or unrealistic expectations. I've been told before that I set my bar too high and will never be happy because I am waiting for things to be in order, but not able to put them there consistently. What would happen if this were to occur? The words in the question are revealing because this stuff does not just occur, you have to make it happen. So being healthy, having the books balanced, living simply, traveling, using gifts and all that do not just happen. Besides that, I am old enough to know that life is about relationship, and relationship to things and habits are not what I want. I have a bad cycle of not contributing to my own personal goals.

Most difficult: relationship to my body
Most on the edge: relationship to money
Most distant: relationship to goals
Most consistent: relationship to surroundings
Most controlling: relationship to unfinished business, guilt and shame
Most satisfying: relationship to people who seem to love me more than I love myself
Most fulfilling: relationship to God
Most frustrating: relationship to order
Most puzzling: relationship to whatever success might mean to me that day

Clearing my Dresser

Wow, my whole blog can be about housecleaning sometimes.
I am tired since I missed my thyroid pill 2 days in a row. I ran out and it was one of those times that you needed doc approval. I can probably get them tomorrow. Also tired from a dumb workout by a guy born after I got out of college. Muscle aches I do not mind, but he overworked my hip and I could hardly walk today. Whatever.
So, I am finally getting to my own room. The last few days have been my big fall push to purge. I cleaned out the boys' room, the hallway, the landing and generally the cubby hole and stairway. Then I closed up the sun room and finished cleaning up GJ's room. I am using that for my cookbooks now, half of which I moved out of the sun room so I can access them during the winter. I am still determined to come up with some new and healthy recipes and plan on making my kids eat their veggies like a good mom does. I also have the wee tv in there for old videos. Dustin will move the bed upstairs, we will toss the box spring and donate the frame. Desi will swap dressers when I do her room while she is at school one day. The kitchen will wait. It is nasty. The basement is dismal. We all have laundry. When will I go back to work? I have been rushing to get this completed since I really don't have time for this luxury. It really does clear my head, though, to purge so much. I gave at least three bags of books to my sister. I even purged the cookbooks. There are plenty of kids clothes waiting to be bagged and donated and the trunk is already full.
So, Gene is leading out in Ashtabula county and I am trying to sort clothing and put away the spring summer stuff and move things into GJ's closet so I have more room. Isabel gave me 4 giant bags of clothes and I have a lot to move around. NICE clothes that I really need. I took a moment to come in here and take a break. It is almost 10:30 pm. I must be nuts, but my room has been trashed for awhile. I am actually unearthing things on my dresser that have been there since I went to Maine a month ago. Just crazy. I am tired.

Back to My Studio, But first, about that last cubicle job...

Today I had to take my car in for new wheel bearings, so I worked from home. Normally, I would get sucked into checking out the kids' rooms, something I do every 3-4 months, even though people assume I do it all the time. I really don't. I ignored dishes and my own bedroom, as well as the living room straightening and any office stuff, and went directly to my studio.

It's been several months since I spent any productive time there. I think the last time was May 13th. I only know because I have a dial calendar that stays on the last date I set, and I always set it so I can see when the last visit was. I started out journaling, which got dropped in mid-May for some reason. Maybe because the kids were off school. In any case, I tried to make the best of my late-January home life, buried in the snow with the rest of Cleveland.

I started out this year in an office job 28 miles away. Anyone who talked to me during that time knows the mileage, because I moaned and groaned about it every time I referred to the job. I worked for a good company with good people. But it was a horrible fit. It was a production job, and I am not a production artist or person or anything. Production is not something I can do, no matter how hard I try. I am productive, but not a production person by any stretch of the imagination. I was not as fast as the person I worked with and felt paranoid and inadequate. On top of that (and the dreadful ride), I absolutely hated the product, which was the ugliest catalog you ever laid eyes on, Dr. Leonard's. We had to lay out scores of products that might (or might not) appeal to the elderly, like incontinence products, wart cream, fat rings, toilet raisers, shower seats, age spot lotions, slippers, support hose and my personal favorite (yech), toe fungus ointment. Of course there were photos. Everyone was so different. I got to sit by Martha, who had a dry sense of humor and a Schultz collection. She kept to herself and was very efficient, responsible and bored. She quit right after I did. There was Patti, who was there the longest, was one of the smokers, still dressed up in skirts from time to time and worked like a dog. She sat next to John, a transplant from the south who was great at football, had 2 adorable daughters and a gorgeous wife. He was very fun to listen to and had some opinions and timing. There was Tony, who never left the building and could set anyone at ease. Jerry was so cool, looked good all the time and was very East Coast. The photo department was all that a photo department is, fun, funny and cool. Laurel was a belly dancer and wrote copy, Margaret wrote copy, rode motorcycles and was a good cook. As I inch closer to my own cubicle, I cannot remember some of the people. Oh yeah, there was Chris, who was perfect and fast and liked sports and beer. He was quiet and kind to me, even if I made his life miserable. Mark was an adorable ex-stripper who was amazing on cars and was very good at the catalog work even though he just learned it. There was Jerod, who kept out of everything and was funny also. Dependable. The guy next to him was my boss, Amy's little brother. They finished each other's lines. Also extremely dependable. Amy gave me every chance in the world to make it, but it was for nothing. She was kind enough to hire me and probably sorry in the end that she had. She was convinced that I was on the internet all day, even if I was not. The thing that convinced her was a giant, bigger-than-a-phone-book stack of printouts that said where I was on the internet. Now this place did allow you to check your email at lunch, something I was even afraid to do at first. But I noticed even the "best kids" did, so I gave myself my 20 minutes.
When they first hired me, they figured I would have work to do within the first 2 weeks. I got all set up and found out there was a delay. I needed the money, so though I had very little to do, I was glad to be there. The weather was still good, the pay was good, the people were fine, so I was happy. I learned what I could of what was coming, though no one could give me a clue of how to do it exactly, because THEY did not know-- it was going to be an import that we had to remodel. I learned a bit more of the system and then started to help Tony and Martha and whomever needed help, and I did okay. At some points, I even turned things around much faster than they expected. I was thrilled that I could do this work, finally. Things dried up and Georgenne, the Big Boss, who looked like a double of my husband's ex-wife (not that she is bad-looking, but Memories...), told me to go ahead and look at my catalog online and get used to the products and websites. I did that. I also looked up things on the version of Quark I was going to be using and whatever else I could think of to be productive. This meant, I was ON the internet. This went into my big book of printouts.

This went on for some time. I was hired the last days of August and the work did not come in until late October. As soon as it came in, the place went NUTS trying to get the book out, which was bigger with a shorter deadline than the other books. The work was distributed and I was left in the dust. I geared up for the next round, but it was always a waiting game, and then BOOM. It was all new to me-- I had never laid out a catalog in MY LIFE, let alone this one. Even Martha said she would not have been able to keep up with that pace. And there was no way I was going to, that is for sure.

I pretty much RAN out of there. I was so happy to be let go, even though I felt bad that I was always going to have the reputation for being on the internet. Oh, also-- I use Google home page. That means I had several boxes with several websites listed on my homepage. Not only that, but I had several tabs. Each tab held even more sites. Each time I logged on, all 50 of those web addresses came up on that Phone Book, along with all their cookies. I know because I looked at it. The more I tried to be productive while everyone else was talking in the aisle while waiting for pages to come in-- the more mistakes I made in cover wraps, layouts and details. I STUNK at the job, no matter what I tried to do.

I still get nervous and relive the nightmare just by driving the 271-480-71 route, either way. I need healing.

Sunday Night

I worked at my mom's after church. The kids could have come, but they seemed to want to just sit and watch tv and not eat lunch. I got a lot done for work. Then we watched Mystery Theater or whatever it's called. Lots of guessing for a dumb ending. Left when it was drizzling, came home in pouring rain to a door closed and locked, no light. They thought it was open and were sorry. I get inside, all windows open, all lights on. Grrrr. Seems like only MOMS notice if rain is pouring in windows. Dustin is asleep and the rest are watching Dogs & Cats TWO. I refused to watch ONE. I am in the beach back porch and listening to Doc Watson and the rain coming down. Kitty is on the ledge, hanging out with me. And yes, looking at my laptop, seeing what is up with the newlyweds and such. Snacked on a nice, juicy pear. I love summer. Tomorrow it will get cooler, but I will like that, too.

Why Journal?

All my journals say the same thing, over and over.
I have lots of books, but even more magazines. I don't read them because I need to respond to what I read or I have a mental overload. But while I have my moments of clarity, I think I will read all this stuff.
You ought to see all the great cookbooks I have, and I hardly cook. I prepare food, but that is about it. I WANT to cook and make cool and healthy things to eat, but I don't.
What I DO do, is arrange,
organize,
sort,
purge,
set up,
clean,
photograph,
share,
teach,
occasionally inspire,
motivate,
encourage,
improve,
want.
I want to work out, but I don't.
I have a hard time thinking clearly.
I hate my clothes, most of them,  mostly because they don't reflect my taste. I am bothered on a daily basis that I am overweight as much as I am, but I don't take action.
I am very busy doing nothing important, until I am under pressure. Then, don't bother me. I will be busy doing unimportant things for quite awhile, and then I have very little time left to do what is important, so I am under pressure. I end up generally pleased with what I did under pressure, so I think I can do that at any time.
Then I don't. All this brings a pile of shame and discouragement after awhile, and I feel stupid. I seriously wonder who I am and what I am about anymore, but that is not a bad thing. I figure it helps us to get to those painful points now and then, because if we are sick enough of ourselves, we change. I just wish I would change faster.

Gotta go now.

A Week Later

So, what have I done today?
1. Drove the 2 oldest to school. They have been up and ready by 6:45 every day so far (that's 3 days), even if they fight brushing their teeth in the morning.
2. Took Dakota to Mom's for a shower. Our gas has been off for a week, so no hot water at home.
3. Stopped and bought Dakota 2 binders at Discount Drug Mart, which has the best price on binders.
4. Went home and had coffee and honeydew with Gene. Discussed our day, our weekend, our need to discuss money, our need to stay positive. He made the bed and the coffee while I was gone.
5. Moved the rusting bikes with flat tires out of their current positions in the driveway, pulling the bindweed as they moved. Moved the giant blue tarp that has been laying there in the front of the garage (the garage, not the garage door; that is permanently up in the ceiling for 7 years now) since mid-July as a backdrop to the screaming yellow SLEDS which have been there also. Looked at weeds. Felt overwhelmed. Went inside.
5. Noticed the dishes, which are not easy to miss, since they are all on the counter and in the sink. It's not as fun to do dishes when you don't have hot water. Felt blech.
6. Moved into the back porch with the laptop. It is the nicest and least distracting of my rooms. The cat joined me, sleeping in the rocking chair.
Then I tried to think of what it was I was supposed to be doing. That's taken me all day to get clear. I had to find a phone number, and figured it might be in the spare room, so I cleaned that up. Not there. Now it is probably too late to call. Did some marketing work, slide work, stuff like that. I am going to have to work all night to make up for what I did not accomplish. That is okay, as long as I get it done. Gene is at the golf course anyhow, since I had to wait for the kids to come home. Des got lost and I had to go get her. Dustin is still at football. He will likely go to Jack's. Des has one hour on the computer. Kota instantly wants to get on a Game Boy (an older game we had around). So, it is quiet.

I need a shower.

Not Sure What to Do

Days like this are my challenge. It is gorgeous out. Gene is going to work the golf course until 9. Kids are out playing and will be back. I've no clue what to make for dinner and need to go to the grocery store. Gene Jr. is moving to Columbus. Mom is at home. Dustin is tired.
I've had a rough week just worrying about money. I am so stressed out. I cannot work fast enough. But aside from that, I am so lonely for friends. I want to sit around with friends and do something fun. But I am stuck here waiting for kids to get back, who will ask for what to eat, who will want to play on the computer, who I will have to babysit. I need to get out so badly, but am stuck again, on a beautiful day, alone.

True Confessions

I OWN SEVERAL OLD MACINTOSH COMPUTERS.
I am not exactly sure where they all came from.
I do remember buying a Performa from Sears when I was mad at Gene in 1995 or so (pre-engagement). I think I was mad at him for either buying a car that was all wrong or maybe it was getting a ticket. It doesn't matter. The Performa is gone.
I got a G3 at one point, but don't remember buying it. Then I got another from a workplace that was tossing it. I think. Then I think my brother gave me one.
Gene, on whim, bought a G4 on Overstock.com for like, $400. It was perfectly fine, even for that amount. Somewhere along the line, I got an iMac Bondi. For Christmas last year, I got a PowerBook G4, also from my brother. Last week, he gave me another G4.
One reason some of these did not make it to recycling is because of the data still on the computer or on [O MY GOSH SALLIE FORD IS ON LETTERMANAND SHE IS A TRIP] them and I WANT IT. i had the strange experience of owning all these computers that had either non-functioning CD burners or none at all, so things did not get backed up on the latest methods. I have 2 External Zip Drives, 3 CD readerwriterwhateverstupidthings NEVER EVER EVER WORKED, a Syquest drive and I am pretty sure I threw out my floppies awhile back even though I could read them on the G3 if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I just want my artwork, as if it is important. As if it matters. I've lived without it all this time, but not really. It is in my MIND, IN MOM'S BASEMENT, REALLY. And I will get the artwork and post it on Facebook for some odd reason. I ought to be able to forget it, but I hardly forget anything, except what I am supposed to be doing a the moment.
This is really how I am.
It is also why I remember that I never really wrote my thank you notes from my fantastic high school graduation party, where I probably scored $850 in 1976, when that was a LOT. I assume people remember that I never sent the note. This bugged me through college, probably, though I actually don't remember, but heck, I know it now, right? I assume this is why I lost contact with some people, since I was then viewed (I assume, as if THEY EVEN THINK OF ME AT ALL, WHICH IS SO SILLY SINCE PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO THINK OF) I am such a selfish and ungrateful person.
Yup.
Write me in case this is true for you and I want to make amends.
Which brings me back to my computer story.
When I got married, my friend's friend who I was friends with at the time, took the photos. You are not supposed to do that-- you are supposed to hire a pro, and she was okay. The biggest bummer was that I did not hand the loaded video recorder to anyone until someone picked it up toward the end of our reception. It was an awesome wedding, a fun reception, a fantastic honeymoon that has not ended yet. I lost my job right before we got married, freelanced, went broke and never really paid the photographer very well. I did some trade work. I hope that she forgave me, I never forgave myself. So, to this day, I have never blown up more than one photo. I don't have a wedding album. I scanned my very favorites and started this ELABORATE booklet photo combo thingy that was going to go out to everyone and it would have a personalized thank you at the end. Wouldn't that be nice? Pics from the wedding, from the honeymoon, from whatever.
Yesterday, I unloaded the pictures from 3 Zip drives, and put it onto my current G4. I started posting some of the wedding pics. The rest are in the same exact drawer, in stacks, in the buffet, in the kitchen. This may be because I really am still on my honeymoon, and figure we got married a few weeks ago.
This now brings  us to tonight, when I was cleaning out the Giant Cupboard in the living room. I keep all my STATIONERY in there, for WRITING LETTERS, sending THANK YOU NOTES, and sending POSTCARDS. I have stickers and address lists and cards and filing systems. I haven't written a letter in Forever. I have a dear friend who has given me 250 pounds in art books, clothing, gift cards and things to sell online, but do you think I've written thank you notes to her and her mom??? No. I live on the Road Paved with Good Intentions. RIGHT UNDER A ROCK.
SO. I am going through the cupboard and cleaning up and organizing all These Things I Rarely Use but Think I Will, and I found a stack of thank you notes that Gene wrote because he thought my idea of the booklet thing was nice but it would take too long and let's keep it simple.
I thought they were mailed.
They were not. Some people have died since then.
Now you know. Let's hope confession is good for the soul.

Should I mail them?

Many Hats

Sometimes people have no idea how much you do in one day. Live and let live, okay?

Stuff I Think I Need

1. More space
2. A studio away from the house with other people around
3. A new Mac
4. Weight loss
5. More time at the park
6. Exercise
7. Friends
8. Sleep
9. Renewal
10. Money
11. A vacation away from the house, with the family

Taking My Self Seriously

How can I learn to see myself as an artist if I don't make much of it?
Is my purposeful, planned artwork somehow more valuable than  my freeform, unplanned work? 
Why do I need order so much? Why do I insist upon it to begin my own work? Will I ever be able to work from home?
Do I have ADD and that is it?
Why have I not continued with my art? Why does everything else seem to go first?

When Does the Fun Part Start?

Blogging is logging your feelings. Blathering + Logging, yes?
Today, my plan was to apply for a particular job and then wash the dishes. That would be a LOT of dishes, because we don't have hot water, so they get put off. To do them, we put a pot of water on the grill and haul it in. Gene did them all last weekend so I could get my work done on Etsy, something that took almost all week anyhow, and I hardly see any results.
Yet, I am not depressed, just kind of numb. Instead of accomplishing my plan, I finished cleaning Dakota's room. I started it awhile ago, left a pile, started again, left a pile. Got rid of the pile, decided to root through all their clothes and got rid of that pile, dragged out the ancient hard drive we will never hook up for them to use for school papers (do all parents think this will happen?), am going to part with the giant box of Hot Wheel tracks from 1969 and ran the vac. Found a few DSi games, and put his fan in since it  is going to be hot soon.
Dustin refereed 2 games and then stayed and played. He cleaned up his side and now has to vac. I told Desi to pick up everything because if we ever DID get a bedbug, they love clutter and floors. God forbid we ever get one, and the TV pics freak her out. The hallways was swept up to a point, and now I have to go through the Christmas stuff as well as Desi's clothing to see what we don't want. Good thing is, she is good at that now and does most of it herself.
So, I did not get to go work out and that means I did not take my shower, and the guys are not back from Mom's house and the party started 6 minutes ago.
There is always so much more to do. Will it ever end?

Delivery

This morning's reading stopped me in an unusual place, the second verse I read: "And the Lord said, Judah shall go up; behold, I have delivered the land into his hand."
I suspect it is an encouragement to me because it shows me a couple things. First, the Israelites asked God in verse one for wisdom and direction. That's good-- I do that. Then they got a direct answer that showed that God had it already planned out and that they were going to win. That's good too. Seems kind of simple. Maybe it rings true to me because I can win already too, if I just listen and let God lead me in the battle. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J29dDffqitk&feature=related

Okay, Here is the Real Deal

Figuring hardly anyone sees this or reads it, I am going to just tell you why I am up at 3:30 this morning. I am up often at 3:30, but am telling you my thoughts this day, since I figure I won't get back to sleep soon anyhow. I just have too much on my mind. I will be using the word "I" much more than you are supposed to, but I don't care. 

I went to the doc in January because I have a soreness by my larynx that is really bothering me. At the same time, I had some super drainage in my sinuses, so I got a zpack from the doc. It took care of a LITTLE of the drainage. In a few days, I lost my job. I called a week later and the doc ordered more antibiotics for me. I was into that for maybe three days, and got appendicitis, went into the hospital and was on THOSE antibiotics, and went home. The day I entered the hospital was my last day of benefits. 

A few weeks later, I went in to see the doc again because my throat really is bothering me and on top of that, I got some weird little round thing on my knee, right next to the cap. It was squishy, so he said it was a lipoma and it was in an unusual place, you usually get those on your arm or something. Now it is not so squishy, not as small, and it bothers me all the time. It puts pressure on the knee and hurts my whole leg. My throat still hurts too. Every day. He told me the second time that sometimes the infection from the swollen glands will flow into that area and it might take awhile for it to clear up. 

In the meantime, I staved off the electric and gas bills and got on a plan. The gas bill is due on Wednesday. The rest of the mortgage is due on Tuesday. Gene will get paid for a big job he did today. It will be in check form and we will JUST make it for the mortgage, Lord willing. I don't know how I will manage the gas yet. 

I was supposed to contact welfare right away to tell them not to cancel our food card because I just lost my job. I did contact them, but I had to get info to another worker. I had to get my hands on the paperwork she needed. This took awhile. I got it, and still have to fax it. I will likely fax it after I finish typing. It's almost 5 am. So, in any case, we have no money for food now. The church gave us lots of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff left in the freezer, but I do  have to come up with milk and eggs and fruits. We will survive, but I am not sure how Gene thinks we will get the corned beef and cabbage for Thursday. Electric will be due next Friday. I've not even looked at the water/sewer bill yet, and the state is sending all sorts of collectors to get our back taxes. The medical bills are coming in. I have to pay for my Cobra dental and send that in. 

My church let me be in charge of the website. I had been involved for years, but nothing ever happened after all we did. It was left with me last July, and until we had the miserable summer we did, and then I left to go work in the job I just lost, I had no time to work on it. This made me feel just awful. The website was just taken away from me, but now they need stuff I have to give them yet, so we are nearly in the same spot. 

I have a funeral to go to this morning. Went to a service for another friend last Thursday. Japan is a mess. My basement is a mess. I am working on finding room and pitching stuff from the basement. I am doing okay with it, but it is a big job I want out of the way asap so I can MAKE stuff to sell on my Ebay and Etsy stores so I can bring in money. I am also not sleeping well, obviously, and this makes me all crazy during the day and crabby sometimes as well as foggy in my thinking. Or imbalanced, or both. Then it makes it hard to lose weight, another issue that bugs me daily. I LOOK AWFUL and am unhealthy. That thing on my knee is not getting better with all the extra weight. 

Gene and I could really use some time to ourselves. We don't get many dates, and if we ever do, it is just a movie and then everyone is back. We don't get out of town. Haven't done that since 2006 when we went to Chicago. 

I have great kids. I want to spend better time with them. I worry about Gene Jr., who is so isolated. I wonder how Josh is, who is away on duty. I wonder how Crystal is and if we will ever hear from her or meet her two babies. 

I have tons of stuff at Mom's to go through and throw out, sell or move. 

Dakota is in testing for ADD. I worry I don't work enough with the kids and their school work. I have been successful in ignoring their rooms. 

That is enough off my mind for now. Thank you for reading. I have a lot more, but it is not coming to the surface at the moment, so that is good. 

Too much for too long makes you too crazy

Irritated Mom

I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice.