Yes, It's Dinger

Obviously, I need to write a gratitude list

2012-02-12T09:55:00.000-05:00

I am not in the mood to be around anyone. I am sick of being fat, sick of not doing what I want, sick of my past constantly getting in the way of my today, and generally discouraged that I seem to be in the same place for so long. I felt like journal-ling about it, and then found out my husband just deleted my journal because he thought he was closing it.
I'm tired of not having carpeting in the kids' rooms or stairway and it looking like a slum. Tired of not having kitchen cabinets and of the floor, which is ripped up since it was installed in 1976. Tired of my dirty van, of not finishing things, not having friends, not having fun, feeling guilty, feeling like I will never move on, feeling alone.
Sad that I never had my own kids, that I still have not been to Europe, that my kids have not seen the ocean, that I can't go on a FLIPPING VACATION, that my kids are hooked on electronics, that our bills are not paid in so many categories and I have no idea how they will be.

Too much

2012-02-03T23:41:00.000-05:00

I had a friend in college that let herself feel too much about what she took in. She lost her mind for a period of time and had to be committed. I am very careful how much I let in. If there are too many sad things, or too big or too much of a sad thing, I can't take much more in one day. Last year it was the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. This year it is something else.

Money, power, pink, red

2012-02-03T16:27:00.001-05:00

Planned Parenthood has won this one. They spent a lot of money, and they'll make a lot of money. And they'll do so off the shredded corpses of children and the raped consciences of women. If Jesus' kingdom were of this world, we'd be fundraising to keep up with them.
But what we have is greater than that. We have a word that tells a pregnant young woman that we believe her Down Syndrome baby is a gift, not a health care burden. And we can offer the kind of gospel that cleanses the conscience and offers what outlasts money and power: life and that to the uttermost.
Let's work to legally protect women and children. And let's grieve that old Mammon has won the day, again. But let's not grieve like the pagans who have no hope. When it comes to the struggle for life, the color of victory isn't pink like a ribbon. It's red like a cross.

-- Russell D. Moore

No Duh

2012-01-26T16:53:00.000-05:00

Being on the internet is bad for me because I feel compelled to process much of what is presented to me, much in the same way I felt obliged to read each article written in the daily paper when I was a kid. It took me awhile to discover adults rarely "read" the paper, let alone each article. This is why it is actually a bad idea for me to have a magazine subscription, brochures, newspapers, or anything that might require consumption. I probably ought to stare at a photo of a library every day to see that I am not God.
I really have to take on a "don't care" attitude if I want to get through checking Facebook. The only things I really care about are my comments to friends and their comments and posts back to me or our general group of friends. Most of the time.

too much indigo

2012-01-19T13:51:00.001-05:00

I make myself laugh. My favorite color is indigo, favorite planet is Saturn, favorite number is 6, have been using camphor and eucalyptus on my sinuses, just downloaded 2 night sky apps in the last week and posted clouds as my big photo on my home page. Which of my chakras is overactive? Oh dear.

When the 6th Chakra is over-active or stuck open, confusion and mental fogginess often ensues. In modern times, many of us experience information overload on a continual basis. The onslaught of twenty-four hour news services, millions of websites, screaming cell phones and pagers, and the demands of job and home are enough to cause us existential headaches, never mind actual migraines! --Janet Boyer

What a day

2011-11-15T22:22:00.001-05:00

I am really having to fight today. I feel like a failure about to fall off the end of the world. I am in the basement, on and off this computer, but still, again, working on clearing this place out. It seems like that is all I do, is purge. How can that be? If that is all I do, how come it never goes away? Well, it does get better and clears out. But I just want to get it to a "finished" state, where I am not completely surrounded by junk and boxes of Things Unfinished. After cleaning out the Things Unfinished, Things Not Paid For, Things Completely Ignored side, the Office, then I go to the other side of the room, my studio, which seems to be a monumental tribute to Lost Potential, Missed Opportunities and When You Used to Have a Life. Gee, I can hardly wait to dig in.
But the End of The World part is not the mess and all those Shame Departments, it's my Very Late Mortgage. There are lots of reasons, a few reasonable and many not. I don't want to move, don't want to lose my house, don't want to have more regret. But for now, I am sad.

Just a Tuesday Night

2011-11-08T22:14:00.003-05:00

Crabby me.
We had the Jr. High Football Banquet tonight. I guess as those things go, we were told it was one of the best. The moms involved put it together. I was not involved as they seemed to get together on their own and did not get the word out until they needed money for the banquet. I never did see a roster of the players, even tho we ask every year. On the sidelines, just like Dustin. Regardless, he had a great time. It was nice to see all the guys sitting together, having fun. They had a good season. Trophies and certificates were given, speeches delivered on scholastics, pizza and pasta and cake served, all while the R&B was playing almost too loud for visiting. I was frustrated, as we got home way after bedtime and I hate it when you can't visit who you are seated with.
Then we cannot get to the tv fast enough, can we? I wish we would just come home and skip the tv and put on the music. And talk. I know if I requested it we could, but if only it was natural. So, I don't WANT to see NCIS and I come into the kitchen to be on the laptop.
I cleaned up and purged throughout the house. Now that it is my turn to get to the studio, I am back to working outside the house. For good reason, too, as we are late on the payments again. It is nerve-wracking. I am praying a lot.

Waking thoughts

2011-10-23T06:40:00.000-04:00

Sunday, Oct. 23, 2011
5:45 am

I've been up since 5. I used my CPAP last night, so I feel pretty good. It is dark out, and there is a big, bright star to my left as I type on the kitchen table. Kitty is on a chair to my right. I am toasting a freezer waffle since my tummy feels funny and I am not so sure what to eat. As usual, I am all in touch with details of settings and details themselves. Not sure why, but I guess I think my journals will be read and this is part of what I am like. Why that matters, I don't know, in the big scheme of things.

Which is why I am up writing. I was lying in bed thinking about how much of my life I spend so unsatisfied, most of it because of my own lack of discipline, foggy thinking, and/or unrealistic expectations. I've been told before that I set my bar too high and will never be happy because I am waiting for things to be in order, but not able to put them there consistently. What would happen if this were to occur? The words in the question are revealing because this stuff does not just occur, you have to make it happen. So being healthy, having the books balanced, living simply, traveling, using gifts and all that do not just happen. Besides that, I am old enough to know that life is about relationship, and relationship to things and habits are not what I want. I have a bad cycle of not contributing to my own personal goals.

Most difficult: relationship to my body
Most on the edge: relationship to money
Most distant: relationship to goals
Most consistent: relationship to surroundings
Most controlling: relationship to unfinished business, guilt and shame
Most satisfying: relationship to people who seem to love me more than I love myself
Most fulfilling: relationship to God
Most frustrating: relationship to order
Most puzzling: relationship to whatever success might mean to me that day

Clearing my Dresser

2011-10-16T22:27:00.001-04:00

Wow, my whole blog can be about housecleaning sometimes.
I am tired since I missed my thyroid pill 2 days in a row. I ran out and it was one of those times that you needed doc approval. I can probably get them tomorrow. Also tired from a dumb workout by a guy born after I got out of college. Muscle aches I do not mind, but he overworked my hip and I could hardly walk today. Whatever.
So, I am finally getting to my own room. The last few days have been my big fall push to purge. I cleaned out the boys' room, the hallway, the landing and generally the cubby hole and stairway. Then I closed up the sun room and finished cleaning up GJ's room. I am using that for my cookbooks now, half of which I moved out of the sun room so I can access them during the winter. I am still determined to come up with some new and healthy recipes and plan on making my kids eat their veggies like a good mom does. I also have the wee tv in there for old videos. Dustin will move the bed upstairs, we will toss the box spring and donate the frame. Desi will swap dressers when I do her room while she is at school one day. The kitchen will wait. It is nasty. The basement is dismal. We all have laundry. When will I go back to work? I have been rushing to get this completed since I really don't have time for this luxury. It really does clear my head, though, to purge so much. I gave at least three bags of books to my sister. I even purged the cookbooks. There are plenty of kids clothes waiting to be bagged and donated and the trunk is already full.
So, Gene is leading out in Ashtabula county and I am trying to sort clothing and put away the spring summer stuff and move things into GJ's closet so I have more room. Isabel gave me 4 giant bags of clothes and I have a lot to move around. NICE clothes that I really need. I took a moment to come in here and take a break. It is almost 10:30 pm. I must be nuts, but my room has been trashed for awhile. I am actually unearthing things on my dresser that have been there since I went to Maine a month ago. Just crazy. I am tired.

Back to My Studio, But first, about that last cubicle job...

2011-10-03T21:34:00.005-04:00

Today I had to take my car in for new wheel bearings, so I worked from home. Normally, I would get sucked into checking out the kids' rooms, something I do every 3-4 months, even though people assume I do it all the time. I really don't. I ignored dishes and my own bedroom, as well as the living room straightening and any office stuff, and went directly to my studio.

It's been several months since I spent any productive time there. I think the last time was May 13th. I only know because I have a dial calendar that stays on the last date I set, and I always set it so I can see when the last visit was. I started out journaling, which got dropped in mid-May for some reason. Maybe because the kids were off school. In any case, I tried to make the best of my late-January home life, buried in the snow with the rest of Cleveland.

I started out this year in an office job 28 miles away. Anyone who talked to me during that time knows the mileage, because I moaned and groaned about it every time I referred to the job. I worked for a good company with good people. But it was a horrible fit. It was a production job, and I am not a production artist or person or anything. Production is not something I can do, no matter how hard I try. I am productive, but not a production person by any stretch of the imagination. I was not as fast as the person I worked with and felt paranoid and inadequate. On top of that (and the dreadful ride), I absolutely hated the product, which was the ugliest catalog you ever laid eyes on, Dr. Leonard's. We had to lay out scores of products that might (or might not) appeal to the elderly, like incontinence products, wart cream, fat rings, toilet raisers, shower seats, age spot lotions, slippers, support hose and my personal favorite (yech), toe fungus ointment. Of course there were photos. Everyone was so different. I got to sit by Martha, who had a dry sense of humor and a Schultz collection. She kept to herself and was very efficient, responsible and bored. She quit right after I did. There was Patti, who was there the longest, was one of the smokers, still dressed up in skirts from time to time and worked like a dog. She sat next to John, a transplant from the south who was great at football, had 2 adorable daughters and a gorgeous wife. He was very fun to listen to and had some opinions and timing. There was Tony, who never left the building and could set anyone at ease. Jerry was so cool, looked good all the time and was very East Coast. The photo department was all that a photo department is, fun, funny and cool. Laurel was a belly dancer and wrote copy, Margaret wrote copy, rode motorcycles and was a good cook. As I inch closer to my own cubicle, I cannot remember some of the people. Oh yeah, there was Chris, who was perfect and fast and liked sports and beer. He was quiet and kind to me, even if I made his life miserable. Mark was an adorable ex-stripper who was amazing on cars and was very good at the catalog work even though he just learned it. There was Jerod, who kept out of everything and was funny also. Dependable. The guy next to him was my boss, Amy's little brother. They finished each other's lines. Also extremely dependable. Amy gave me every chance in the world to make it, but it was for nothing. She was kind enough to hire me and probably sorry in the end that she had. She was convinced that I was on the internet all day, even if I was not. The thing that convinced her was a giant, bigger-than-a-phone-book stack of printouts that said where I was on the internet. Now this place did allow you to check your email at lunch, something I was even afraid to do at first. But I noticed even the "best kids" did, so I gave myself my 20 minutes.
When they first hired me, they figured I would have work to do within the first 2 weeks. I got all set up and found out there was a delay. I needed the money, so though I had very little to do, I was glad to be there. The weather was still good, the pay was good, the people were fine, so I was happy. I learned what I could of what was coming, though no one could give me a clue of how to do it exactly, because THEY did not know-- it was going to be an import that we had to remodel. I learned a bit more of the system and then started to help Tony and Martha and whomever needed help, and I did okay. At some points, I even turned things around much faster than they expected. I was thrilled that I could do this work, finally. Things dried up and Georgenne, the Big Boss, who looked like a double of my husband's ex-wife (not that she is bad-looking, but Memories...), told me to go ahead and look at my catalog online and get used to the products and websites. I did that. I also looked up things on the version of Quark I was going to be using and whatever else I could think of to be productive. This meant, I was ON the internet. This went into my big book of printouts.

This went on for some time. I was hired the last days of August and the work did not come in until late October. As soon as it came in, the place went NUTS trying to get the book out, which was bigger with a shorter deadline than the other books. The work was distributed and I was left in the dust. I geared up for the next round, but it was always a waiting game, and then BOOM. It was all new to me-- I had never laid out a catalog in MY LIFE, let alone this one. Even Martha said she would not have been able to keep up with that pace. And there was no way I was going to, that is for sure.

I pretty much RAN out of there. I was so happy to be let go, even though I felt bad that I was always going to have the reputation for being on the internet. Oh, also-- I use Google home page. That means I had several boxes with several websites listed on my homepage. Not only that, but I had several tabs. Each tab held even more sites. Each time I logged on, all 50 of those web addresses came up on that Phone Book, along with all their cookies. I know because I looked at it. The more I tried to be productive while everyone else was talking in the aisle while waiting for pages to come in-- the more mistakes I made in cover wraps, layouts and details. I STUNK at the job, no matter what I tried to do.

I still get nervous and relive the nightmare just by driving the 271-480-71 route, either way. I need healing.

Sunday Night

2011-09-04T23:31:00.000-04:00

I worked at my mom's after church. The kids could have come, but they seemed to want to just sit and watch tv and not eat lunch. I got a lot done for work. Then we watched Mystery Theater or whatever it's called. Lots of guessing for a dumb ending. Left when it was drizzling, came home in pouring rain to a door closed and locked, no light. They thought it was open and were sorry. I get inside, all windows open, all lights on. Grrrr. Seems like only MOMS notice if rain is pouring in windows. Dustin is asleep and the rest are watching Dogs & Cats TWO. I refused to watch ONE. I am in the beach back porch and listening to Doc Watson and the rain coming down. Kitty is on the ledge, hanging out with me. And yes, looking at my laptop, seeing what is up with the newlyweds and such. Snacked on a nice, juicy pear. I love summer. Tomorrow it will get cooler, but I will like that, too.

Why Journal?

2011-09-02T11:19:00.002-04:00

All my journals say the same thing, over and over.
I have lots of books, but even more magazines. I don't read them because I need to respond to what I read or I have a mental overload. But while I have my moments of clarity, I think I will read all this stuff.
You ought to see all the great cookbooks I have, and I hardly cook. I prepare food, but that is about it. I WANT to cook and make cool and healthy things to eat, but I don't.
What I DO do, is arrange,
organize,
sort,
purge,
set up,
clean,
photograph,
share,
teach,
occasionally inspire,
motivate,
encourage,
improve,
want.
I want to work out, but I don't.
I have a hard time thinking clearly.
I hate my clothes, most of them, mostly because they don't reflect my taste. I am bothered on a daily basis that I am overweight as much as I am, but I don't take action.
I am very busy doing nothing important, until I am under pressure. Then, don't bother me. I will be busy doing unimportant things for quite awhile, and then I have very little time left to do what is important, so I am under pressure. I end up generally pleased with what I did under pressure, so I think I can do that at any time.
Then I don't. All this brings a pile of shame and discouragement after awhile, and I feel stupid. I seriously wonder who I am and what I am about anymore, but that is not a bad thing. I figure it helps us to get to those painful points now and then, because if we are sick enough of ourselves, we change. I just wish I would change faster.

Gotta go now.

A Week Later

2011-08-26T16:51:00.000-04:00

So, what have I done today?
1. Drove the 2 oldest to school. They have been up and ready by 6:45 every day so far (that's 3 days), even if they fight brushing their teeth in the morning.
2. Took Dakota to Mom's for a shower. Our gas has been off for a week, so no hot water at home.
3. Stopped and bought Dakota 2 binders at Discount Drug Mart, which has the best price on binders.
4. Went home and had coffee and honeydew with Gene. Discussed our day, our weekend, our need to discuss money, our need to stay positive. He made the bed and the coffee while I was gone.
5. Moved the rusting bikes with flat tires out of their current positions in the driveway, pulling the bindweed as they moved. Moved the giant blue tarp that has been laying there in the front of the garage (the garage, not the garage door; that is permanently up in the ceiling for 7 years now) since mid-July as a backdrop to the screaming yellow SLEDS which have been there also. Looked at weeds. Felt overwhelmed. Went inside.
5. Noticed the dishes, which are not easy to miss, since they are all on the counter and in the sink. It's not as fun to do dishes when you don't have hot water. Felt blech.
6. Moved into the back porch with the laptop. It is the nicest and least distracting of my rooms. The cat joined me, sleeping in the rocking chair.
Then I tried to think of what it was I was supposed to be doing. That's taken me all day to get clear. I had to find a phone number, and figured it might be in the spare room, so I cleaned that up. Not there. Now it is probably too late to call. Did some marketing work, slide work, stuff like that. I am going to have to work all night to make up for what I did not accomplish. That is okay, as long as I get it done. Gene is at the golf course anyhow, since I had to wait for the kids to come home. Des got lost and I had to go get her. Dustin is still at football. He will likely go to Jack's. Des has one hour on the computer. Kota instantly wants to get on a Game Boy (an older game we had around). So, it is quiet.

I need a shower.

Not Sure What to Do

2011-08-12T16:49:00.000-04:00

Days like this are my challenge. It is gorgeous out. Gene is going to work the golf course until 9. Kids are out playing and will be back. I've no clue what to make for dinner and need to go to the grocery store. Gene Jr. is moving to Columbus. Mom is at home. Dustin is tired.
I've had a rough week just worrying about money. I am so stressed out. I cannot work fast enough. But aside from that, I am so lonely for friends. I want to sit around with friends and do something fun. But I am stuck here waiting for kids to get back, who will ask for what to eat, who will want to play on the computer, who I will have to babysit. I need to get out so badly, but am stuck again, on a beautiful day, alone.

True Confessions

2011-08-07T23:53:00.000-04:00

I OWN SEVERAL OLD MACINTOSH COMPUTERS.
I am not exactly sure where they all came from.
I do remember buying a Performa from Sears when I was mad at Gene in 1995 or so (pre-engagement). I think I was mad at him for either buying a car that was all wrong or maybe it was getting a ticket. It doesn't matter. The Performa is gone.
I got a G3 at one point, but don't remember buying it. Then I got another from a workplace that was tossing it. I think. Then I think my brother gave me one.
Gene, on whim, bought a G4 on Overstock.com for like, $400. It was perfectly fine, even for that amount. Somewhere along the line, I got an iMac Bondi. For Christmas last year, I got a PowerBook G4, also from my brother. Last week, he gave me another G4.
One reason some of these did not make it to recycling is because of the data still on the computer or on [O MY GOSH SALLIE FORD IS ON LETTERMANAND SHE IS A TRIP] them and I WANT IT. i had the strange experience of owning all these computers that had either non-functioning CD burners or none at all, so things did not get backed up on the latest methods. I have 2 External Zip Drives, 3 CD readerwriterwhateverstupidthings NEVER EVER EVER WORKED, a Syquest drive and I am pretty sure I threw out my floppies awhile back even though I could read them on the G3 if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I just want my artwork, as if it is important. As if it matters. I've lived without it all this time, but not really. It is in my MIND, IN MOM'S BASEMENT, REALLY. And I will get the artwork and post it on Facebook for some odd reason. I ought to be able to forget it, but I hardly forget anything, except what I am supposed to be doing a the moment.
This is really how I am.
It is also why I remember that I never really wrote my thank you notes from my fantastic high school graduation party, where I probably scored $850 in 1976, when that was a LOT. I assume people remember that I never sent the note. This bugged me through college, probably, though I actually don't remember, but heck, I know it now, right? I assume this is why I lost contact with some people, since I was then viewed (I assume, as if THEY EVEN THINK OF ME AT ALL, WHICH IS SO SILLY SINCE PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO THINK OF) I am such a selfish and ungrateful person.
Yup.
Write me in case this is true for you and I want to make amends.
Which brings me back to my computer story.
When I got married, my friend's friend who I was friends with at the time, took the photos. You are not supposed to do that-- you are supposed to hire a pro, and she was okay. The biggest bummer was that I did not hand the loaded video recorder to anyone until someone picked it up toward the end of our reception. It was an awesome wedding, a fun reception, a fantastic honeymoon that has not ended yet. I lost my job right before we got married, freelanced, went broke and never really paid the photographer very well. I did some trade work. I hope that she forgave me, I never forgave myself. So, to this day, I have never blown up more than one photo. I don't have a wedding album. I scanned my very favorites and started this ELABORATE booklet photo combo thingy that was going to go out to everyone and it would have a personalized thank you at the end. Wouldn't that be nice? Pics from the wedding, from the honeymoon, from whatever.
Yesterday, I unloaded the pictures from 3 Zip drives, and put it onto my current G4. I started posting some of the wedding pics. The rest are in the same exact drawer, in stacks, in the buffet, in the kitchen. This may be because I really am still on my honeymoon, and figure we got married a few weeks ago.
This now brings us to tonight, when I was cleaning out the Giant Cupboard in the living room. I keep all my STATIONERY in there, for WRITING LETTERS, sending THANK YOU NOTES, and sending POSTCARDS. I have stickers and address lists and cards and filing systems. I haven't written a letter in Forever. I have a dear friend who has given me 250 pounds in art books, clothing, gift cards and things to sell online, but do you think I've written thank you notes to her and her mom??? No. I live on the Road Paved with Good Intentions. RIGHT UNDER A ROCK.
SO. I am going through the cupboard and cleaning up and organizing all These Things I Rarely Use but Think I Will, and I found a stack of thank you notes that Gene wrote because he thought my idea of the booklet thing was nice but it would take too long and let's keep it simple.
I thought they were mailed.
They were not. Some people have died since then.
Now you know. Let's hope confession is good for the soul.

Should I mail them?

Many Hats

2011-07-28T16:13:00.002-04:00

Sometimes people have no idea how much you do in one day. Live and let live, okay?

Stuff I Think I Need

2011-06-12T23:41:00.000-04:00

1. More space
2. A studio away from the house with other people around
3. A new Mac
4. Weight loss
5. More time at the park
6. Exercise
7. Friends
8. Sleep
9. Renewal
10. Money
11. A vacation away from the house, with the family

Taking My Self Seriously

2011-05-31T16:14:00.000-04:00

How can I learn to see myself as an artist if I don't make much of it?
Is my purposeful, planned artwork somehow more valuable than my freeform, unplanned work?
Why do I need order so much? Why do I insist upon it to begin my own work? Will I ever be able to work from home?
Do I have ADD and that is it?
Why have I not continued with my art? Why does everything else seem to go first?

When Does the Fun Part Start?

2011-05-28T19:07:00.000-04:00

Blogging is logging your feelings. Blathering + Logging, yes?
Today, my plan was to apply for a particular job and then wash the dishes. That would be a LOT of dishes, because we don't have hot water, so they get put off. To do them, we put a pot of water on the grill and haul it in. Gene did them all last weekend so I could get my work done on Etsy, something that took almost all week anyhow, and I hardly see any results.
Yet, I am not depressed, just kind of numb. Instead of accomplishing my plan, I finished cleaning Dakota's room. I started it awhile ago, left a pile, started again, left a pile. Got rid of the pile, decided to root through all their clothes and got rid of that pile, dragged out the ancient hard drive we will never hook up for them to use for school papers (do all parents think this will happen?), am going to part with the giant box of Hot Wheel tracks from 1969 and ran the vac. Found a few DSi games, and put his fan in since it is going to be hot soon.
Dustin refereed 2 games and then stayed and played. He cleaned up his side and now has to vac. I told Desi to pick up everything because if we ever DID get a bedbug, they love clutter and floors. God forbid we ever get one, and the TV pics freak her out. The hallways was swept up to a point, and now I have to go through the Christmas stuff as well as Desi's clothing to see what we don't want. Good thing is, she is good at that now and does most of it herself.
So, I did not get to go work out and that means I did not take my shower, and the guys are not back from Mom's house and the party started 6 minutes ago.
There is always so much more to do. Will it ever end?

Delivery

2011-03-30T09:34:00.000-04:00

This morning's reading stopped me in an unusual place, the second verse I read: "And the Lord said, Judah shall go up; behold, I have delivered the land into his hand."
I suspect it is an encouragement to me because it shows me a couple things. First, the Israelites asked God in verse one for wisdom and direction. That's good-- I do that. Then they got a direct answer that showed that God had it already planned out and that they were going to win. That's good too. Seems kind of simple. Maybe it rings true to me because I can win already too, if I just listen and let God lead me in the battle.

2011-03-18T16:10:00.003-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J29dDffqitk&feature=related

Okay, Here is the Real Deal

2011-03-14T05:10:00.001-04:00

Figuring hardly anyone sees this or reads it, I am going to just tell you why I am up at 3:30 this morning. I am up often at 3:30, but am telling you my thoughts this day, since I figure I won't get back to sleep soon anyhow. I just have too much on my mind. I will be using the word "I" much more than you are supposed to, but I don't care.

I went to the doc in January because I have a soreness by my larynx that is really bothering me. At the same time, I had some super drainage in my sinuses, so I got a zpack from the doc. It took care of a LITTLE of the drainage. In a few days, I lost my job. I called a week later and the doc ordered more antibiotics for me. I was into that for maybe three days, and got appendicitis, went into the hospital and was on THOSE antibiotics, and went home. The day I entered the hospital was my last day of benefits.

A few weeks later, I went in to see the doc again because my throat really is bothering me and on top of that, I got some weird little round thing on my knee, right next to the cap. It was squishy, so he said it was a lipoma and it was in an unusual place, you usually get those on your arm or something. Now it is not so squishy, not as small, and it bothers me all the time. It puts pressure on the knee and hurts my whole leg. My throat still hurts too. Every day. He told me the second time that sometimes the infection from the swollen glands will flow into that area and it might take awhile for it to clear up.

In the meantime, I staved off the electric and gas bills and got on a plan. The gas bill is due on Wednesday. The rest of the mortgage is due on Tuesday. Gene will get paid for a big job he did today. It will be in check form and we will JUST make it for the mortgage, Lord willing. I don't know how I will manage the gas yet.

I was supposed to contact welfare right away to tell them not to cancel our food card because I just lost my job. I did contact them, but I had to get info to another worker. I had to get my hands on the paperwork she needed. This took awhile. I got it, and still have to fax it. I will likely fax it after I finish typing. It's almost 5 am. So, in any case, we have no money for food now. The church gave us lots of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff left in the freezer, but I do have to come up with milk and eggs and fruits. We will survive, but I am not sure how Gene thinks we will get the corned beef and cabbage for Thursday. Electric will be due next Friday. I've not even looked at the water/sewer bill yet, and the state is sending all sorts of collectors to get our back taxes. The medical bills are coming in. I have to pay for my Cobra dental and send that in.

My church let me be in charge of the website. I had been involved for years, but nothing ever happened after all we did. It was left with me last July, and until we had the miserable summer we did, and then I left to go work in the job I just lost, I had no time to work on it. This made me feel just awful. The website was just taken away from me, but now they need stuff I have to give them yet, so we are nearly in the same spot.

I have a funeral to go to this morning. Went to a service for another friend last Thursday. Japan is a mess. My basement is a mess. I am working on finding room and pitching stuff from the basement. I am doing okay with it, but it is a big job I want out of the way asap so I can MAKE stuff to sell on my Ebay and Etsy stores so I can bring in money. I am also not sleeping well, obviously, and this makes me all crazy during the day and crabby sometimes as well as foggy in my thinking. Or imbalanced, or both. Then it makes it hard to lose weight, another issue that bugs me daily. I LOOK AWFUL and am unhealthy. That thing on my knee is not getting better with all the extra weight.

Gene and I could really use some time to ourselves. We don't get many dates, and if we ever do, it is just a movie and then everyone is back. We don't get out of town. Haven't done that since 2006 when we went to Chicago.

I have great kids. I want to spend better time with them. I worry about Gene Jr., who is so isolated. I wonder how Josh is, who is away on duty. I wonder how Crystal is and if we will ever hear from her or meet her two babies.

I have tons of stuff at Mom's to go through and throw out, sell or move.

Dakota is in testing for ADD. I worry I don't work enough with the kids and their school work. I have been successful in ignoring their rooms.

That is enough off my mind for now. Thank you for reading. I have a lot more, but it is not coming to the surface at the moment, so that is good.

Too much for too long makes you too crazy

2011-03-05T15:12:00.000-05:00

Irritated Mom

2011-01-27T08:43:00.004-05:00

I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice.

Life These Days

2010-12-01T21:30:00.002-05:00

I will use the word "I" several times here, and I know it.

Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.

New Logo

2010-09-21T11:28:00.002-04:00

The Democratic Party revamped their logo. Funny they should unveil it on an ATM machine!

So, this is how it is

2010-07-27T07:50:00.005-04:00

It's a gorgeous summer day, and not even 8 am. Gene just left for work, and the house is quiet except for the fans running. The kids are not stirring yet, but it won't be long before Dakota comes downstairs. We've had the longest stretch of hot and humid weather, so this is really pleasant, and there is even hope of cooling off the house, which was not happening, even at night.
SO-- I am almost overwhelmed, but not yet, at the list of things to do I have. I have a slight idea where to start, but after that, it does get over my head.
1. Blog. I am doing that now, while I drink my coffee, so I have to put that first. You could also call it Prioritizing, which people have told me to do my whole life, as if I did not know.
2. Take a walk. I have to lose 90 lbs. and we have good weather for it today. It will also help fend off depression.
3. Buy milk. (maybe during the walk, although I do not like the idea of lugging a jug, really). The kids will want milk for the cereal and we forgot to pick up more last night. (see, it is already getting confusing)
4. Shower. There's a no-brainer, unless I take the kids to the pool today, which would wreck my hair all over again.
5. Clean up room. I have a very small room. Gene and I each have a strip of space about 8 ft long and 2 feet wide to put all our stuff in. Yeah. Gotta pick up the books, papers, clothes and shoes that I had on the bed or in the wardrobe. I can go from perfectly clean to a mess in one day. I need some order in here to feel good about Me and to get dressed decently enough. Usually I don't care, but I am making an effort.
6. Oops-- Quiet Time. This ought to have come before blogging, but it's too late now. I will take this list before God one way or another. I need His guidance and strength.

Now I have to stop the numbering. Here's what else goes through my mind:
-- pay insurance TODAY. Last chance. I can do that over the phone
-- deal with giant water bill. How, I do not know. It is only big because we have not paid it.
-- be a mom. That means I don't really feel GOOD about doing all I have to do and letting them do nothing all day. I want the kids to get out and to the park and creeks and not sit in the house all day. What is it with kids that makes them forget to move? Anyhow, I need to interact with them instead of always worrying about all this stuff. i think. We do need water and lights.
-- a tree branch came down last weekend and no one has attempted to do anything with it. Gene has been working, so he has not had time. Today I am assigning the Boy Scouts, the college graduate and the girl to use Saws and stack wood. That will get them moving.
-- laundry. I have to do laundry. I have to get after the kids to do theirs as well.
-- their rooms. Not a priority right now, but they need to pick up at least while it is not 100 degrees up there.
-- school work. Yes, we are supposed to be getting ready and doing drills. I have only had 4 days of school work so far, about 3 weeks behind usual.
-- OH, YEAH, A JOB!!!!! I NEED A JOB AND HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR ONE or TWO ASAP!!!
-- MORTGAGE PAPERS!!! THE BANK NEEDS ME TO WORK ON PAPERWORK FOR THEM SO WE DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE!
-- ART SALE AND GARAGE SALE. Yes, we are having a big art/yard sale/party on August 14 and I need to make stuff!!!
--Design the church website.
-- Ebay and Etsy. I have so much to set up and sell. And make.
-- gardens. Ack, if we have people over on the 14th, how bad will my yard look? This year I have spent less time in my yard/garden than EVER. It looks soooo sad. I am sure there are beans waiting to be picked, too. Not one sunflower. Sigh. The bushes in the front garden look like Don King's hair. So embarrassed.
-- Bathroom. The kids all have assignments. Phew.

I need more coffee.

Water Day

2010-07-21T22:52:00.003-04:00

Took the two little ones to the river today and we walked a long way upstream. Kota loves to get into the current and float. MOST of the river was about an inch or two (or LESS)deep, except for the few waist-high places Dakota was in. They were VERY fascinated to find that clay is in the riverbank. They spent some time in the perfectly gray stuff and brought home a handful each. On the way home we stopped at Buttermilk Falls, and they easily walked down into the same pool we used to get into at the bottom of the falls. I love that they have no hesitation and don't mind getting dirty. When we got home, of course, they wanted to go the pool!

I need big water

2010-04-26T14:36:00.002-04:00

Photo by Mary Williams

That Wheel

2009-11-17T21:53:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wonder when I will ever change.

Freaking OUT! AGAIN!

2009-10-07T13:48:00.002-04:00

OH, I am SOL on so many levels. And I hardly ever use that term. I feel sick and nervous and awful. Going home to get my camera to shoot a pile of Ebay. Wish I did not have to stay there for homework and such. Need to make money and quick. SOOOOOOOOOO Sick of living this way!

Online Portfolio, At Last

2009-07-27T19:17:00.001-04:00

view my portfolio:
coroflot.com/dingerart

Feeling better

2008-11-12T06:56:00.003-05:00

Thank you to anyone who responded to my dark days. The prayers (along with other things that I will write about later) have helped so much. I have a lot to do yet to resolve things, but for now, I am out of the shadows.

Boo

2008-10-31T13:38:00.003-04:00

I am having a dark Halloween. I am as depressed as I've been in a long time, due to financial strain and lonliness. It is a gorgeous, warm day, I have a cute little kid around and my beagle and cat, but very little hope about money. I have not been able to earn or work much, and neither has my husband. I am at the end of my rope. In the past, I've been very creative and I rarely give up hope on what could come around the corner, but at this moment, I feel hopeless, sad, angry, dismal, depressed and lifeless.

Blah

2008-10-29T21:14:00.002-04:00

I hate being sore and tired unless it is from a good workout.
I hate violent tv, even slightly violent and being stuck with no where in the house to escape from it.

I Suppose I am a Meany

2008-10-23T21:21:00.006-04:00

We have a small house with 4 kids in it, 2 adults, the belongings of our adult child, who moved to another city, a workshop, the contents of an art studio and an office, besides the normal bathroom (only 1), bedrooms, kitchen (no cupboards) and ancient garage (1-car, no door). If we don't keep things in place, or at least in the general areas they need to be, it becomes hard to get around, get dressed, and even harder to find anything.
The 3 youngest children came from a home where there was simply no order or cleanliness. Since they've been gone from their mom only 16 months, I think a sense of disorder gives them a sense of "home" that they subconsciously cling to. Plus, they are kids.
Recently, we reconfigured their rooms so there would be a place to put everything. On the youngest's drawers, we even labeled what ought to go into each one. He likes that a lot. He's become much better at making his bed. They even have their own laundry bags and do their own laundry at times.
The oldest is usually blind to any room issues. He can claim that he "never knew!" he was supposed to pick all that stuff [sister's shoes, his socks, brother's sandals, wee cars] up off the floor! What??? No one told him! No one told him he would have to put his clothes into a bag or basket and not scatter them all over once ready for cleaning. Poor, uninformed kid! Of course, I told him this many times, nicely, yelling, writing it down, but he is woefully uninformed.
The little girl just arranges things, which I totally understand, since I did that myself as a child, and truly thought this was the correct thing to do. It was unbelievably time-consuming, but it was also satisfying and developed my sense of design. I "cleaned" my room for hours. It was never done, and is not to this day. She still has to do the job, and no doubt does the usual tricks like jamming all her clean clothes into the laundry room as "storage," and shoving stuff under her bed, "forgetting" the stuff jammed in at the headboard, etc.
The worst part of this is that after I try to get them to make their beds before they leave for school, which they generally do, I ask them to pick up before they go to bed- well before they go to bed, like at least an hour. This is where they go deaf and I have amnesia. When it's time to tuck in, be sweet, give backrubs and kisses, read stories or say prayers to these guys, it's more like they get a visit from their worst nightmare. I am shocked that there are socks under the bed, clothing left right where it left their hands, games just where they were 3 hours ago and that the little angels have not been getting PJs on as I so foolishly imagined, but are huddled around a Gameboy [illegal! illegal! illegal!] behind someone's bed, in full daytime dress, maybe minus shoes and socks, with hip-hop playing in the background. I have no power after dinner, except for my voice, I guess, as well as my talent for hiding the DS in a new spot (my favorite being in their own room) while they endure a time without it as consequence.
I just hate yelling at them right before bed. "What were you thinking???!!!!! How could you think this is what I meant by cleaning your room??? I love you sleep good see you in the morning." Good thing they get amnesia overnight.

Get Three-Dimensional

2008-10-05T16:11:00.010-04:00

For the most part, we have boys in the house. For my first three kids, there were two boys and one girl; same for the second set. Inevitably, the boys get hooked on screens of any kind. This melts their brain cells at a young age (7-12) and then it levels off to basically All They Do at an older age. Our 21-year-old got to the point where he could sit in his room and discuss important matters with Many People Around the World (as if this would impress me), listen to tunes, blog, write stories and do his homework, all at one time. He could be in there for hours, and I usually called him down for dinner, when he ate, by IM-ing him.
My husband was drawn into the video game when he was a teen, when all there was was Pac Man and stuff like that. When I bought my house in 1996, it came with an old Atari system, so he and his two boys would sit there and ignore the nice weather, the rest of the house, the state of the nation, etc. Fortunately for me, as the Systems in our house improved to Nintendo, PS2, XBox, etc., the games were too hard to play with against our son, and were no fun, and I got my husband back!
College came, and the Systems got moved to college, then sent back for the next set of boys. Boys usually come with More Boys. Red carpets were laid out, announcements were made and the almighty Halo game came in during a school break. I had a fit, and it left.
Today is Sunday. I am sick today (which is how so many posts have gone up today) and since the rest of the family endured a 2-hour adventist service yesterday, we missed our service, as well as a picnic after church. The 8-year old got a DS for his bd yesterday, so the day was started with that, then the on-TV Spiderman game, then onto online games as well as XBox games in the living room. Add the fact that the 12th grader had an overnight guest (another 12th grader) over to play games and they were up to 4 am. They just want food, space and electricity. But they share their games, tips, laughs, space, food and electricity with the young boys and the husband. It is a male bonding free-for-all and I just go to my room for a read and a nap.
It is now 4:23. I kicked the younger boys OFF ANYTHING at 3:00 and told them to go outside. Do anything, take a walk, eat out there, go to a friends, throw a ball, chalk on the sidewalk. You would think they were thrown in a trunk to die. Their faces are crumpled into 3-pouts-in-one and their arms are crossed. "There's nothing to do!" they cry. The older boys I let go. They are nearly adults, and they are not dependent on this for fun; they just like it. The cool thing is, since they are not dependent, they've given up their screens and are outside throwing the ball around now, while I am on my screen, next to my husband, who is on the XBox.

Have You Taken A Walk Today?

2008-10-05T15:11:00.003-04:00

Harvest Time Although We City Slickers Ain't Farmers

2008-10-05T15:05:00.005-04:00

I like this picture. Is he going to buy one pear and one apple? Will he share it with is sister with the cool socks?Does she already have some? What about that corn?

Yeah, We're Artists

2008-10-05T14:50:00.004-04:00

We were in University Circle a few weeks ago, at the Chalkfest. I like how these guys let me drag them all over to do non-screen related activities.
We made some fun pictures and we hope to do it again next year.

Places like this (one of the gardens at the Cleveland Museum of Art) are so beautiful, and when you grow up around them, you can take them for granted. I think it is important to make some of these areas "home" to the kids. When they are older, I assume they will seek out beauty. I hope so. Beauty makes a whole lot of difference in our lives, and I think it is good to surround ourselves in it whenever possible. There is plenty of the opposite in our faces all the time, so we have to "stock up," I think.

Time to revise the blog

2008-09-12T23:18:00.003-04:00

I will be messing around with this, so it will look like a mess for awhile...

Sigh. It's Almost Over

2008-09-06T16:43:00.005-04:00

The last day for the pool was Monday. We stayed all day and I got myself a sunburn. We don't usually show up at the pool until after 2:00, but that day it was 12:40 - 5:00. It was great, sunny, warm and they used up all the chairs by 2:30.
Today was the second day of Home Days. We went for a preview last night, but it was pretty drizzly and not many were there. Today, it was gorgeous. I let the kids ride one ride each and they bought a water, but that is it. I would love to splurge on $15 wristbands, but not this year. We had a nice time regardless.

Yes! She IS the cutest thing!!!

2008-08-15T23:59:00.001-04:00

No, I don't know her, but her parents have posted this on her blog.

August

2008-08-15T08:48:00.002-04:00

I almost always start to get panicked and almost down in August. I HAVE to get to the beach. I did get there a couple weeks ago, but I need MORE. Today won't be the day, but I plan on getting to the pool the moment it opens... School starts in a week!

"Sometimes, I Just Don't Get It," or "When Does it Get Better," or "Good Time to Write a Gratitude List"

2008-08-04T22:12:00.004-04:00

The other title for this post would be, if I did not compare my problems with the rest of the world, My Life is Really Sucking at the Moment. And it really could be worse.
But right now, I am wondering what I do with my life and why I bother.
First of all, all I do is work, and that is all my husband does as well. Yet, we hardly have any payoff but our survival. Surviving is important, no doubt, but to live this way for so long is a big drag.
I am moved to write this because it is 10:25 pm, I missed my shower today, took all three kids to the counselor's, but worked with Dakota and Dustin because it was Destiny's turn. Dakota was awful while working with the homework packet, whining, practically eating his feet as he tied up in knots, itching and whining and pouting because he could not remember how to read some words off his word list. When I tell him he's given me the wrong word, he insists I have it wrong. We got through it, and I did not let him make me stop with the homework, but it was no fun.
Dustin has been working on math all year, and even though we go over 3 x6 = 18 over and over, he still cannot seem to remember it. This has been months just on a few math facts. I don't know what to do about it.
Destiny leaves half her stuff at her friend's house, where we have to track it down. She's picked up a weird laugh and is in her little animal world way too much for a girl her age in my opinion. I let her go to her friend's a lot because I used to play with my pals all day too, and it is better than sitting in the house.
Everyone always wants to get on the computer, all the time. This does not happen.
I get asked if they can play PS2 every day, all day. I make them wait until after dinner for the most part.
I've not been to the beach yet. Gas is too much. But we will likely go soon. We get to the pool at least a few times a week, but the pool has lost a lot of the magic for me that it used to have, sad to say. I cannot put my finger on what made the change. I think it may have something to do with what I need in my chakras. I don't need water as much as I used to. I have enough change in life.
We got to the park a few times. Never got back to check for berries. They were not ready when I did go, now it will be too late.
Gene is working his tail off, and continues to have a fantastic attitude. He is a great husband.
My sister needs tons of help as she is taking on more changes in a few weeks than most people will in a few years.
My church is run by a few people who are holding on to a dream that is more of an idol than God's will. They let a good pastor go in exchange for more control or chaos or whatever. In any case, I have no fellowship there in a formal way, but at least one-on-one with a few. Nothing too in-depth, so I can go unnoticed forever. The split in the services was the beginning of the end.
Mom is a fantastic support, as are my sibs. I miss seeing them.
I am tired. I spent most of the day in the basement, after coming back from counseling and feeding them lunch. I used to have what I called a studio, but now it is storage that imitates studio. I have several boxes and shelves of paper and books and mags and whatever. I have this idea I will go thru them, but never do. I also have a studio at Mom's and nowhere to go with it. I accomplish nearly nothing in those areas, because I am cleaning house.
Since I spent all day down in the basement, the dishes that started to pile up last night, after I made dinner, piled up more. It occurs to no one to help. Of course, I am referring to No One. The little kids will help when I ask, but the big kids don't even notice the mess. I don't know why anyone has to be told to do the dishes so I can go on with other things. Gene used to help me but now he is gone to work all day and all night.
Every piece of clothing in the house needs to be washed as well, but I can hardly move in the laundry room. I made the place so nice and now I am stuck with a mattress and box spring that has cluttered it up for weeks-- I can't stand it!!
Gene Jr. moved from a house to an apartment this weekend, so we got rid of One Dresser, One Computer Desk, One Entertainment Center and One Bed. The rest of his stuff is in half the closet and lines the hallway. The hallway that Yogi just peed in, at 10:15 pm, when I am so exhausted. The hallway leading to the kids' room, which contains piles and piles of junk that they have nowhere to put, patched up floor rugs, a huge tv just sitting there and Destiny's bed, which she peed on this morning and yet, did nothing to clean it up until I was tucking her in.
This just makes my day.
Then, as I am stressing out over that, the 17-year old, who stayed up all night playing some sort of game on the computer, announces to me that the dog has peed, and excuses himself to go take a run, walking over me as I am trying to wash all this up, running past the pile of dishes and the laundry which could now go downstairs. He also went to work most of the day and came home early, only to not get any extra sleep except on the couch a bit.
I am just exhausted.
I TOOK the dog out, btw. He is afraid to come out sometimes, and I could not force him. Next time, I will put on his collar and pull him out. Believe me, he will be blocked out of my bedroom tonight, because I have to be the one to get up when he scratches and pounds on our door at 4:30 am to go out or get a drink of water. I cannot take this any more. Gene sleeps through it. I wish I could.
Dakota's skin is getting bad, and I have to take him in to the doctor's, but don't even know where the info is.
Gene's desk is piled over my head with papers to file and bills we ignore. I am not even sure what is to be shut off next or when.
I am overwhelmed. And so tired. I do nearly nothing for myself and have hardly any fun.
I don't know how to make things better. I try and try so hard, all day every day and it never seems to change, ever.
So is this what my life is now? Just a maid for young people who want to play? I think when you are under 12, you OUGHT to be able to play. But they have their jobs and they do them with my help. I cannot just have them "do" them, because they are only learning, so it is still work for me to supervise.
Anyhow, I hope tomorrow is better. This is a total drag.

The Lies that Bind You

2008-08-02T15:45:00.002-04:00

I have a big problem: I love to read. I am curious about (it seems) everything. The bigger problem is that I don't really have time to read all that much, so I save it for "another time." This "time" in my mind is the lie. As long as I choose to believe it, I keep magazines, newspaper articles, books. For a long time. Years. Since I was not paying attention to my reading while in Middle School (over 30 years ago now) or perhaps, I felt I should have retained the information, I even have my Jr. Scholastic magazines. They are so cool!! Things about how 18-year olds will vote, cool ads with that early 70s flavor, articles about countries that no longer exist as they did back then. At this point, the collection may land me some change via Ebay, but really! I know I kept them to read them, but now I just don't want to part with them.
Then, I have a year's sub to Ceramics Monthly. I've not thrown clay or mixed a glaze since 1980, but they are here in my basement. And the year I decided I would paint and enter shows, I got American Artist. Still here, 18 years later. No surprise.
Dad passed onto me his Smithsonians. Those are so pretty! A whole article about turquoise and turquoise jewelry. Can I miss that? I have so far. Same with Kachina dolls and Matisse paintings. Then we have those great offers from Better Homes and Gardens, which only charged $12.00 per year. Endless articles on gardens and cooking and decorating, all my interests. What if I need an article on interesting sandwiches? It is more likely I will look it up on the net or ask someone.
I used to get the paper at home, which is a total fire hazard! I will skim thru, find at least one article I want to "spend more time on," and then fold that page up and think I will get to it later. Since that does not happen, the whole stack of pages, which is harmless enough, gets filed to read later. And after that, several stacks follow until a large pile deserves... A Box.
We don't dare get a paper at home any more.
There are others like me out there. I know at least four others who had or have the same issues. Three of them worked with me at, guess where: A magazine publishing company.
So, today, I went thru a few things. Did not read-- no time for that-- but I did notice the dates on some of those mags. If I ever decide to pitch them, I will be sure to sign up for a new subscription, and start over.

Aboard the Goodtime III

2008-07-27T19:41:00.008-04:00

These guys definitely like being on the water, in the wind. It was a gorgeous night.

Thoughts upon finishing my 50th year

2008-07-27T19:30:00.002-04:00

Yes, finishing (on my birthday, 50 years will have been completed), I see the same old problems I had half a life ago, mostly having to do with discipline.
And memory, short-term, that is. This week I forgot to do at least two things I rarely forget: one appointment and one commitment to help someone. These two things did not even cross my mind. I ended up pulling weeds and watching a classic movie during one, and going to the movies and pool during the other.
Other than that, I am tired. I started being a mom just last year. I did my stepmom stint starting 8 years ago. I had a hard time being disciplined and organized (note: I KNOW how to organize, but it takes time to DO IT) before kids, now it is nothing but a dream-- or a nightmare.
I've lost myself, or lost track of myself, somewhere. I don't know how I can possibly be a good example or role model for these creatures, but they still seem to like me, and even love me regardless.

Life

2008-07-26T12:48:00.003-04:00

Life swings from one extreme to another for me, maybe for you? On one hand, we go on trips to the park and see beautiful things, do fun stuff like go on the Goodtime III, pick berries, swim a lot, etc. On the other hand, I get so tired of piles of dishes & laundry, wake up with headaches, am way in debt, way overweight, out of touch with friends too much. I am glad I don't wait for perfect conditions to get out and do those fun things. I am going to complete year 50 in less than a month, and I feel slightly old. I think the kids keep me young.

David Gilmour

2008-06-30T22:48:00.001-04:00

This is what i look like under all my baggy clothes

2008-06-17T23:29:00.003-04:00

My bedroom looks like that, too.
Actually, that is Rita Hayworth, with Nan Wynn on vocals.
From You Were Never Lovelier (1942).

I like this

2008-06-17T22:38:00.011-04:00

The Moon and The Stars 3 by *natasha-cinnamon on deviant ART

We Love Warm Weather

2008-06-10T17:54:00.001-04:00

Our first day of getting out for vacation.

Spring has Sprung

2008-04-24T16:08:00.002-04:00

In the 10 years I've lived in my house, I've never seen a toad in my yard. Yet, Destiny, our indigo child, found one the other day. I hadn't seen her in several minutes, so I looked behind the garage, and found her crouched down near the woodpile. She turned to look at me and quietly informed me that she and the toad were communicating. I am sure they were.

Have you ever seen them?

2008-03-24T22:25:00.001-04:00

St. Pat's

2008-03-23T20:14:00.002-04:00

Buttermilk Falls after heavy rain

2008-03-06T14:53:00.002-05:00

The sound was fantastic.

Kota-man @ Buttermilk Falls

2008-03-06T14:51:00.002-05:00

Sunset Pond

2008-03-06T14:48:00.001-05:00

Rat Maze

2008-03-06T14:32:00.006-05:00

Everywhere I go in the house, I turn on lights, even in the daytime, even in the lights are already on. I just cannot seem to find enough light. I need to go to Florida, and soon. I wear the same gray hoodie around, since it is warm, but it only serves to make my day grayer. My studio is in the basement, and the basement is loaded with stuff already, including my husband's office, where I can hear video game shooting, if he is relaxing. NOT relaxing to me. I need space! The living room is small, the kitchen is busy, my dressing room is cramped and has yellow wallpaper, which I hate. There are not enough windows. No place has enough windows for me. Spring cannot come soon enough. I try not to complain, but I do have my limits, especially on days I don't feel so good, like this week.
It will get better.

Why I Love to Sing

2008-03-03T21:50:00.000-05:00

How did I miss this in December?

We'd never get this nowadays

2008-01-29T09:15:00.000-05:00

Back in 1964, especially if you grew up in England, you would find this hilarious, which it is.. If any pop group performed Shakespeare today, people would figure it was a "Promote Reading and the Arts" show. I don't sense that U. S. youth are familiar with the arts so much today, especially theater. Enjoy the Fab Four in a section of Act V Scene I of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which the Rude Mechanicals present their play of Pyramus and Thisbe at the wedding of Theseus and Hippolyta.

Happy Christmas!

2007-12-21T15:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, everyone is out of school now. Des just came home with tons of gifts from school, including monkey sox and kitty slippers. The college kid is home and visiting with his best buddy. I get to go out to Lola tonight with my mom and siblings, a great and special break! Tomorrow I still have to shop for Gene Sr. and Jr., and had better get a Clarisse for Destiny or I will be in trouble.
The big news in my book is that our daughter and her husband (both in the Air Force) are expecting!
Best wishes to all. We've had a blessed year.

Random random random random insanity

2007-12-16T23:11:00.000-05:00

Ack. My beagle is acking. He was sleeping a minute ago. He is 10 and he is happiness, just as Charles Schultz said. I think that is because beagles are so simple and loving.
He had to go out. The wind is so strong, it slammed the door. The wind chill is making the 24 degrees feel like 10. The sky is a deep navy gray, and the shocking white clouds before them are moving fast. The moon is hanging sideways in its last quarter and looks so strange and bright. Now the little guy is asleep on my bed.
I just talked to a couple I met on the radio a few years back, Fred and Jill. They are so fun and kind and loving, and they play good music. I miss people like that in my life -- I used to have lots of them. Anyhow, I just won a certificate to a restaurant, here at 11:30 pm. It was great talking to them. I feel like it is so rare to be in touch with people like that. Now Gene and I will have another place for a date night, if we can ever find a babysitter. Twenty more minutes and I wake him up to sit shotgun in the plow truck. They are playing the Traveling Willburys, one of my favorite groups ever.
The dishes will wait until tomorrow. I made a crummy dinner tonight and don't want to be around the dishes. A couple people liked it.
My studio waits.
The house looks nice inside, to me, at least, except for my room and the basement.
I started writing out Christmas cards today. We actually have new friends (or acquaintances) now since the kids came around, so I had a few more than usual.
We have an interim pastor, and I like him and his wife.
I am in choir.
Still no regular exercise. Still hate myself every morning around 4 am when my back hurts from all the extra weight and lack of exercise.
The kids went wacky tonight when they were running the Corvette into things (and each other) in the living room. Lots of screams. I stayed out of the way while I cooked my crummy dinner.
This week is doctor week. Tuesday is the plastic surgeon for Dakota, and I will cancel the Wednesday asthma test for now. Thursday they all go to counseling. Friday Kota gets rechecked for his skin issues. I am tired already.
Our college student has to go to jury duty all week. Tomorrow he has to get downtown by 7:50. Wear a hat!
I want to rip the wallpaper down in this room. I hate it.
Tomorrow I make a roast.

Christmas Month

2007-12-15T21:31:00.000-05:00

The kids got gifts on the first of October. We were going to wait until Christmas, but decided to open them the day after Thanksgiving. Destiny got a Barbie tea set, Dustin got Brown's stickers, banner, etc. and Dakota got this awesome red truck that came with bling. It was funny. That weekend made us decide we would stretch out the season and not make everything about Christmas morning gifts. Last weekend we went to an event for families who are "kinship" families. It was put on by the county and was very well organized. Just walking in they got Shrek puzzles, scribblers and candy. The tables were all named after some Christmas thing, like Donner, Blizten, Frosty, etc. Around the outside of the huge room we were in were stations for face painting, beading, golf, beanbag toss and coloring. The "parents" sat on the inside and munched on snacks and met others while the DJ led people in line dancing, kareoke and Christmas trivia games. Santa was at the top of the steps and we got free photos, very nice ones, too. After our free lunch, as many kids as possible posed for a group photo to be sent to Jerry Springer, as he donated a great deal to the party. They held a thank you banner that everyone signed. After awhile, gifts were given out. Dustin got a huge yellow remote control Corvette, McDonald money, a basketball, 5 Hot Wheels, and tons of candy. Destiny got a Hello Kitty sticker/stamp book. Dakota got Spiderman dune buggy, Spiderman/Black Venom walkie-talkies, a Lego set and tons of candy. Destiny did not fall apart for getting less than her brothers! They enjoyed these things all week, too. Today, we went to another kinship event, and the set up was similar, with the kids on the outside making things and the adults sitting down. This one was a potluck. A woman from the Cleveland Public Library spoke and she was a great speaker! She was a preacher for the system, I swear. Very entertaining. Then we had a workshop on capturing your memories of your family and past, as well as looking at your family tree. I loved hearing these elderly Black women's stories. One woman and her sister were raised with two white sisters in New Orleans, and she shared how they were raised to be orderly and obedient. She ended up going to school to be an educator, and was happy to get out of the way when she met up with the attitudes of children today.
We also sang some songs, the kids saw Santa and got a free book of their choice. They handed us a bag of gifts when we walked out to the lobby. The gifts were unbelievable! Dustin got a tank, army men, a nighttime spy cam, a camera, a Marines cap & fatigues. Dakota got two more Spiderman figures. Destiny got what she was hoping for, Littlest Pet Shop pets! LOTS of them. She could not be happier.
By this time, it was getting snowy. We went to yet another party, and this one was Scottish. My mom managed to save us a table. The Heather Belles danced, as well as the Jenny May Dancers. We had plenty to eat and Santa was led in and out by the bagpipes. Dustin got a Quizzer, Dakota got a Magnadoodle and Destiny got beading. We were all so tired and went home and played. Actually, I went to bed for a nap. It was GREAT.
So, we are loaded with gifts for the kids. This includes the slippers I bought them all with the Target gift card someone gave us annonymously and the dinosaurs their mom bought them yesterday at the mall.
We are so blown away with everyone's generosity. BLOWN AWAY! God is comforting us so much by how others are reaching out to make sure the kids are taken care of. We look forward to a lifetime of paying it forward...

Blah

2007-11-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

I am tired. I woke up at 5 something, did some email stuff and then returned to bed at 7, after I tuned in the tv to cartoons. The kids found them a couple minutes later, Gene got up and got breakfast going and I got 2 hours of additional sleep.
The kids get into a daze when they watch tv, so it is good we hardly let them see it. Before they came, they watched it in their own rooms, and had cable. In any case, I started my day extra late then, and was behind the rest of the time. I just finally got laundry in and it is almost 9 pm. Got lots of other things done, though. Went to a craft show, one of the bigger ones in the area, and it was all about the snowmen. They were everywhere, on sleds, in buckets, hanging from trees, standing next to trees, holding lights, etc.
I finally pulled out Tip-It, from under my bed. I have the same version I played in the 60s and the kids loved it. They made sounds and laughs that would have delighted toymakers. Dustin won all 3 games. It was a good game to help them learn to observe (which peg is heaviest, which can use some discs), be careful and count.
We are painting the living room for the first time in 10 years. Gene re-did the window frames.
That is all for now.

TV is so boring

2007-11-02T21:26:00.001-04:00

Especially when you only have a few channels. It's not a big deal-- I have plenty to do, but now and then like to sit there and flip my um... (3 in good weather-5-if I move the rabbit ears-8-19-maybe 25, 43, and if I am in the mood for Spanish, 61) SEVEN stations. The bummer is, everywhere you look during the day are 1. Commercials to sue Someone Responsible For You Being Home At This Hour, 2. Commercials to get you to go to chef school, medical terminology school, electronics school or to some cheap college so you can get further in your loser life, 3. Commercials for CHEAP car insurance so you can drive to these places (and hope you don't have to use #1.), 4. STUPID FAKE COURT SHOWS, 5. Ladies-Who-Scream-in-the-Audience Shows (like the View or Martha or Oprah), 6. Shows that reveal weird or scary or sad things, like Jerry, Montel, Oprah, etc.). I can skip all these since I have plenty going on during the day...
At night, you have only two choices: 1: Reality TV, mostly with some competition where you have to phone in a vote, or 2: Dead Bodies on Metal Tables being poked, zoomed in on, argued over, shaved, rolled out, or something. Usually, this is accompanied by cool dance club music and lights that are cool and pretty. The people doing this work are always very gorgeous and witty and intelligent.
I am sick of TV.

It's a Colorful Life

2007-10-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

I got to raise my stepson from the time he was 13, but now I am getting the chance I missed to be a full time mom to little ones.
I just tucked in all three kids and am back down on this floor, piled with laundry to sort, dishes to wash, papers to put away-- all the stuff you see in houses with families with kids. There is even a ball in the driveway and a bike only half in the garage. The light was left on in the bathroom again, and there are tub toys on the edge of the tub. Our house is small and in many places, unfinished. When we leave one thing out of place, you can tell. We need kitchen cupboards and counters, a new floor, new windows, carpeting, paint, and all sorts of things, but whatever. The cool thing is seeing a little boy peer out the window of the bus each day, happy to see someone is waiting for him. Then I get to hear his report, which is usually, "HAPPY!" then walking home with his little hand in mine, hearing all his stories while he jumps along. Then there are more cool things like hearing the little girl singing in the while steering the red car of the grocery cart-- she makes up all the tunes and words, and they are beautiful. Then watching the oldest child run out and play football for the first time in his life is awesome. He plays hard and never gives up. These kids are neat because they basically get along. They really look out for each other and share a lot. When one buys something at the dimestore, it is always in threes. They have feelings and they show them. They are curious and they ask. They have fun and sleep well. It does not bother me that they are not "mine" and that I was nearly 49 when they moved in. This is a dream life for me and my husband, and I hope the kids will feel that way about it too.

Me and Color

2007-09-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

Pretty simple, but rather accurate...

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Stepmothering Part II

2007-07-22T00:26:00.001-04:00

We recently took in our nieces 3 children ages 6, 8 & 10. This is the 3rd or 4th time they had been "offered" to us; this is the first time their mom actually gave them to us for daily care, other than when she was shipped out to help with Katrina cleanup for a month.
More on this later, as I am so tired! It is 12:30 am and we started early.

Addendum

2007-07-22T00:19:00.000-04:00

Shortly after I wrote about my beloved former co-workers, I attended the vistation at the funeral home for one of them, Bruce Jablonski. It is possible that Bruce passed on the very day I was writing. He was not seen for a little while, his neighbor noticed this, and then he was found in his house when his brother came to see. Bruce was only 57.
I know we fell out of contact for a couple reasons, one being the fact that I was layed off and we no longer worked together. Another would be that I got married around the same time, so I was kind of busy and distracted. We usually had pretty good conversations. He was very talented, and was kind of a recluse. He played banjo, the "Kingston Trio" kind of thing, was a good painter and illustrator, and loved to cook. He took roasting a chicken very seriously.

With Whom Do You Work?

2007-07-14T22:43:00.000-04:00

I worked at one place for twelve years. It was a department in a large company, and we occupied half the 6th floor of an office tower. The amazing thing about this art department was how the people in the group seemed to all get along. The sharing and friendship was great. We spent time visiting, attended weddings, had great parties and back rubs and shoulders to cry on were not unusual. I and many others give credit to the people in charge, Larry and Lou, for knowing who to hire. It was a special place and time, and until the company fell upon bad times, we stayed together. I was one of the first layoffs, over 8 years ago. Now, a department of about 60 is down to only a few. Some retired, some died, others we've never seen again, and several of us are still in touch to this day. I freelanced a bit, had some longer stints, but nothing has ever compared to working at Penton. I worked at one place for almost 3 years, and that was a nightmare of screaming, gossip, anger, and wasted energy. It never got better. After 3 years of more freelancing, I got a job at a really good company. They do everything right. I am so impressed with the place. What amazes me, though, is that some women, even though there for almost 20 years, seem to be no closer to each other than acquaintances. Even worse, they can be so cold and amazingly unfriendly and close-minded. The men in my department seem to be much more human. I am happy with the company, okay with the work, but it is a weird experience to have to work at someplace so different than Penton. You would think that if you spent most of your time at a place, you would try to make it as pleasant an environment as possible, but I guess that is not the way it is everywhere.

here it is

2007-05-24T17:01:00.001-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

We are getting old

2007-04-12T22:11:00.000-04:00

We hope to move to the Smokies one day. Gene is learning banjo and I started watching NASCAR. We ought to be ready soon. These are our neighbors-to-be, I hope.

I just love this

2007-03-30T00:05:00.000-04:00

White and Nerdy

Can it really be March already?

2007-03-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

Life has changed quite a bit since I work full time outside the home now. It is good, but different. I miss blogging, but I will get back to it eventually, just like weight lifting, cooking, cleaning, reading, traveling, etc. I must think I will live to 500 or something.

Drippy Saturday

2006-11-11T10:02:00.000-05:00

Not blogging much because I found fulltime work.
We have an abundance of birds in the back today. When you open the door, it sounds like a jungle. I am not sure what most of them are, but there are large bunches of blue jays out there. It is like watching heavy traffic outside the kitchen window.
The rest of 2006 will probably go quickly. As soon as Halloween was over, the Christmas music started playing on the intercom at the stores. The decorations are so bright and beautiful, I like going to the stores at this point. I think I get more excited about Christmas now, than when it arrives. But I ramble. Gotta leave for work now.

She Who Makes No Sense

2006-10-23T12:27:00.000-04:00

On Father's Day, 2001, 2 of my 3 stepchildren were packed into their mother's car and moved out of state, without warning, legality, communication or reason. When my husband went to pick them up for their summer visitation, he found their trailer empty. The youngest had just turned 10, the middle child was about to turn 12. The oldest child, was about to turn 14, lived with us, but was not even given a chance to say goodbye to his siblings or mother.
What do you do when this happens? First instinct is to call the police. The reply from the police is to call your lawyer. What if you don't have one? What if you would like to hire one but live 3 counties over from the courthouse you have to use? What if no one in your area wants to practice out there? Who do you trust when all the references you are given are local? What good does hiring a lawyer do when you feel your children are kidnapped? Who has time to shop for lawyers at a time like that? And, if you do find one, how will you pay for it?
In the meantime, where are your children? Will they call? Will they write? Do they need help? Will the stepfather that drove your oldest son off now be abusing the other two? Who cares about this problem? Who can help? If something illegal was done, who can help and how soon?
Well, we got a lousy lawyer. He was no help at all. He did next to nothing. The mother of these children simply got away with what she was doing by not being compliant. The judge ordered certain things, and she simply did not do them. Who was to prosecute her several states away?
Now it is 6 years later. The oldest, who went through great depression and healing, is now in college. The middle one has graduated early from High School, from what we hear. The youngest is mentally ill. The children were told, as the car was driving off from their old town, into their new, that they ought to forget their father and their brother-- they have a new life now. They were moved from one school to another (at least 6 schools in 5 years) and one living place to another, and this from a woman who claimed her ex-husband did nothing but move. She Who Makes No Sense also hops from one job to another, and this is also from a woman who claimed her ex-husband could not hold down a job. In reality, he's lived in the exact same place for the past 8 years and worked at the same place for 6. She Who Makes No Sense seems to think that whatever she has a problem with is not a problem. She simply projects what she does onto her ex-husband, and claims he does it.
Which leads us to today. Today she decided that it was her ex-husband's fault that her youngest was in the mental institution. Yet, it was SWMNS who decided to move these children away from their father, with whom they had a very good relationship. She has imagined that their father begged and bargained to have these kids move back, but in reality, nothing was brought up about the subject: he had so little time to visit with them on the phone, he would not bring those things up-- only what the children were up to in their lives and how school was. If the children made these other stories up, she has based her actions on these imaginings only. SWMNS seems to blame everything on a man who has not even had access to these children in several years. Even when she was in town, she had a way of acting as if crimes were committed against her hours ago, when in reality, she and her ex-husband had no contact.
It is our dream that the children will call, come to see us, and open up communication. My theory is that it is too much for a child to have to balance the two parents' personalities in their minds and that they simply settle for one, for survival's sake. As long as they try to pretend the other does not exist, they don't have to be in pain about missing their dad. I also believe that because the mother's personality is so strong and controlling, they simply want to please her and make up stories about things that never happened, especially conversations they never had.

For the Dedicated Couch Potato

2006-09-21T23:27:00.000-04:00

You Want One

2006-09-21T23:26:00.000-04:00

Giant Cement Birds

2006-09-21T23:21:00.000-04:00

What a good idea

2006-09-21T23:18:00.000-04:00

When will it change?

2006-09-21T23:10:00.000-04:00

Mixed feelings

2006-09-11T09:57:00.000-04:00

Well, we all have different feelings about this dreadful anniversary-- dreadful because we wish we did not have to commemorate ANYONE getting murdered by people flying things into buildings-- we wish they were ALL STILL WITH US-- But an Anniversary to be Observed, nonetheless. I am one of those people who will sit and listen to each name read, as long as it takes, although I did not have cable to do that for me this year. But each family has immeasurable pain, some with healing, some not. What I think about are the "in-between" people: partners who were not married and cannot participate in benefits or ceremonies, people who were severely injured and are suffering daily, people who still have not been able to find a single sign of their loved ones-- I think of you often and offer prayers for you, not just today, but during the year.
The NY victims seem to be focused on more than all the other locations of victims-- why the media does this is more likely a case of being right on the scene than for any other reason, but I bet some people feel forgotten.
I noticed the people who would rather forget are those who were at Ground Zero immediately, and could not let themselves leave, not even for a day. The smell of death and the images of horror are still fresh in their minds and they try hard to forget, daily.
Then there are those so far away from the locations, who are now fearful, suspicious and nervous about life. Next to them, we have those folks who are nearly obsessed with the attacks, and wear t-shirts, buy coins, photos, plates, statues, etc. that remind them and keep the crisis alive.
It is very encouraging to see the amazing healing and peace of many Survivors. I am always glad to see people who have been able to get to this point when they have the commemoration on TV.
I wish our global view had changed more in the media, but it has not. We still hear less about those overseas than about pop stars and their divorces. If you want to find out what is going on anywhere, it seems you have to watch BBC news and do your web homework. It does not help the general mentality of the country, though, to be still separate from the rest of the world. The event could have been a great springboard to intelligent reporting, but I guess not. Why can't they get it??
Personally, it is hard to believe the whole thing happened. I taped what was on TV for the first 4 days or so, but never watched them again. I saved it for "posterity." I saved magazines, did screengrabs, etc. but it is so hard to get around this horrible thing.

Kinda Recent Sketches

2006-09-03T23:18:00.000-04:00

I made these on July 23rd.

Back to Blogging

2006-08-31T22:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it is too nice out to blog much or be on the computer! Along with that, we went on a vacation to Kankakee, to visit my cousin and her husband, which was fantastic! A sampling of what we did:
Italian Cuisine at Uncle Joe's
Mariachi Monday at La Mex in Joliet

Tiki Night in their back yard

Birthday cruise on Maureen's pontoon on the river
as well as
a delicious homemade chocolate cake

Chicago style pizza, A fun night at Turtle Tap,

Fairy Night -- we attempted to make fairies for toadstools, but were not as familiar as we needed to be with using polymer and molds, but we did okay!
Chicago & Navy Pier, Rainforest Cafe,

the ferris wheel,

some putt-putt, a boat ride to see the skyline,

a train ride to get back!
Relaxing, junk-shop review, Chinese food, homemade chicken and dumplings, lots of sparkling and lite-up surprises, and a very fun house and yard.

I simply have the best cousin in the world and we both are blessed with really wonderful husbands.

You Don't Need a Lump to have Breast Cancer

2006-08-06T19:08:00.000-04:00

There is more than one kind of breast cancer.
We have been taught and are reminded frequently by public service announcements and by the medical community that when a woman discovers a lump on her breast she should go to the doctor immediately.

If you don't have time to read the rest of this, please see this video of a news report on it (click on The Silent Killer).

Inflammatory Breast Cancer usually grows in nests or sheets, rather than as a confined, solid tumor and therefore can be diffuse throughout the breast with no palpable mass. The cancer cells clog the lymphatic system just below the skin. Lymph node involvement is assumed. Increased breast density compared to prior mammograms should be considered suspicious.

You Don't Have to Have a Lump to Have Breast Cancer.
Some women who have inflammatory breast cancer may remain undiagnosed for long periods, even while seeing their doctor to learn the cause of her symptoms. The symptoms are similar to mastitis, a breast infection and some doctors, not recognizing IBC, will prescribe antibiotics. If a response to antibiotics is not apparent after a week, a biopsy should be performed or a referral to a breast specialist is warranted.

Age 52:
Median age at time of diagnosis of IBC ... versus,
Age 62: Median age at time of diagnosis of Breast Cancer.

A surprising portion of young women with IBC had their first symptoms during pregnancy or lactation. The misconception that these young women are at lower risk for breast cancer and the fact that IBC is the most aggressive form of breast cancer may result in metastases when the diagnosis is made.

One or more of the following are
Typical Symptoms of IBC:

Swelling, usually sudden, sometimes a cup size in a few days
Itching
Pink, red, or dark colored area (called erythema) sometimes with texture similar to the skin of an orange (called peau d'orange)
Ridges and thickened areas of the skin
What appears to be a bruise that does not go away
Nipple retraction
Nipple discharge, may or may not be bloody
Breast is warm to the touch
Breast pain (from a constant ache to stabbing pains)
Change in color and texture of the aureole

View pictures showing common presentation of some of these symptoms.

Read what patients write about their own symptoms prior to diagnosis.

View a 4:23 minute video about IBC shown on NBC5 in Chicago.

Thank you to my sister for passing this info on to me from IBCRESEARCH.ORG.

I HATE Grackles-- They are EVIL

2006-07-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

I usually love to watch the birds in the birdhouse outside the kitchen window. Each year they carefully build their little home and lay some eggs. In no time, we have cute little baby birds cheeping away, sticking their big mouths out each time a parent bird shadows the opening of the nest to feed them. So far this spring and summer, this has happened three times. Not once have we seen a fledgling, because the evil, awful, sinister, creepy, disgusting and noisy grackles, raid the nest, kidnapping and killing the baby as it thinks its mother is back with a snack. Now, on our third round of births, we have one baby left, and I for one, would like to sit out by the bird box to protect it from the time the sun comes up, until all are asleep for the night. I cringe to walk out in the yard to find the babies who have been murdered by these awful birds. So far I've found one, half-alive, one in the garden and one in the fountain. It is really spoiling my backyard nature experience. You could claim, that this is how nature works, but I won't buy it. These hoodlums are imports from way back, and don't fit into our ecosystem. (The same is the case with the sparrows they are killing, but the sparrows are cute). We are supposed to be enjoying bluebirds, goldfinches, jays, cardinals, etc., but you can hardly find them. We are overrun with these others. Instead of waking to the sounds of cardinals and chickadees, I hear the awful sounds of the grackles, and jump out of bed to chase them away. I realize this is crazy, and very likely ridiculous, but you know what? I HATE THOSE BIRDS.

This is all you get

2006-07-18T21:54:00.000-04:00

Destiny did not want to smile for the picture, as she was not all that happy.

Mommy's Little Girl

2006-07-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

Today I had to let go of my little Lady-Pooh. She had a horrible cancer in a really bad area on her body, hearing problems, cataracts, blood problems, blockages and there was nothing I could do about it. I am going to miss her so much. She was my little girl, my Pooh-Bear, my Fluff-Muffin, my Baby Girl. I also called her Princess, my Girl, Fluffy, Skinny Butt and Honey.
We got Lady Anastasia when we were picking up Gene's kids for the weekend. She was long-haired, matted, smelly and so loving. She immediately surprised us with how alert she was, how much she loved eating, how she could jump up into our bed and how she rolled around on her back and did her happy dance. Whoever "owned" her to begin with, ignored her and would not allow her to come indoors. When she discovered she was allowed to live inside, she was visibly grateful. When I decided to take her home, it was her big brown eyes that took me. I loved her so much, but more than anything, she loved me.
Where ever I was in the house, Lady was sure to be nearby. She came out to the garden with me, especially during tomato picking time. She loved tomatoes, beans, strawberries, and especially, oranges! I guess she was big on acidic fruits.
It is amazing to watch an animal be so grateful to you that she seems to exist for you. I spoiled her. I tried to make her life as easy, fun and happy as possible. I made sure she could always find me and had a cushion nearby.
Tonight, when we came home, it was hard to see the spots where I normally see her -- empty. I will miss her happy little face each day, the one that looked only for me (and something to eat). I love you, Lady Pooh and I will miss you so much.

Where is the Media Now?

2006-07-07T06:58:00.000-04:00

The media has always made me crazy, especially when it comes to disaster coverage. When the tsunami hit, that was all you could see. After about 3 weeks, you would think all that rubble had been cleared up or everyone was okay, because you sure did not see anyone reporting on it. When the war in Iraq started, there was coverage about what was going on and lots of troop support. After President Bush gave the impression that the war was over, the media acted like nothing was going on any more, and instead of continuing to see pictures of soldiers and stories of families, they switched sides and acted as if no one should support the troops or know how things were going. Now, Hurricane Katrina has had the same treatment, but worse, if you ask me. Here are opportunities to serve and care right here on our own soil, but we have a media blackout as far as what is happening. We ought to have a weekly report! I can't even find a map to show affected areas, camps, needs, memorials, or anything. It's like it did not even happen. Here is a link to an article that I could find in the blogosphere, at least. It gives you a good idea of what is going on, in a small corner. Here is JUST PART of the article:

Ten Months After Katrina: Gutting New Orleans

It has occurred to us that our New Orleans is looking more and more like Baghdad.
By Bill Quigley

source: Reconstruction Watch Thursday June 29, 2006
We are still finding dead bodies. Ten days ago, workers cleaning a house in New Orleans found a body of a man who died in the flood. He is the 23rd person found dead from the storm since March.

Over 200,000 people have not yet made it back to New Orleans. Vacant houses stretch mile after mile, neighborhood after neighborhood. Thousands of buildings remain marked with brown ribbons where floodwaters settled. Of the thousands of homes and businesses in eastern New Orleans, only 13 percent have been reconnected to electricity.

The mass displacement of people has left New Orleans older, whiter and more affluent. African Americans, children and the poor have not made it back -- primarily because of severe shortages of affordable housing.

Thousands of homes remain just as they were when the floodwaters receded -- ghost-like houses with open doors, upturned furniture, and walls covered with growing mold.

Not a single dollar of federal housing repair or home reconstruction money has made it to New Orleans yet. Tens of thousands are waiting. Many wait because a full third of homeowners in the New Orleans area had no flood insurance. Others wait because the levees surrounding New Orleans are not yet as strong as they were before Katrina, and they fear rebuilding until flood protection is more likely. Fights over the federal housing money still loom because Louisiana refuses to clearly state a commitment to direct 50 percent of the billions to low- and moderate-income families.

Meanwhile, 70,000 families in Louisiana live in 240 square-foot Federal Emergency Management Agency trailers -- three on my friend's street. As homeowners, their trailer sits in front of their own battered home. Renters are not so fortunate and are placed in gravel-strewn FEMA-villes across the state. With rents skyrocketing, thousands have moved into houses without electricity.

Public housing has been boarded up and fenced off as the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development announced plans to demolish 5,000 apartments -- despite the greatest shortage of affordable housing in the region's history. HUD plans to let private companies develop the sites. In the meantime, the 4,000 families locked out since Katrina are not allowed to return.

The broken city water system is losing about 85 million gallons of water in leaks every day. That is not a typo: 85 million gallons of water, at a cost of $200,000 a day, are still leaking out of the system even after over 17,000 leaks have been plugged. Michelle Krupa of the Times-Picayune reports that the city pumps 135 million gallons a day through 80 miles of pipe in order for 50 million gallons to be used. We are losing more than we are using, and the repair bill is estimated to be $1 billion -- money the city does not have.

Public health care is in crisis. Our big public hospital has remained closed and there are no serious plans to reopen it. A neighbor with cancer who has no car was told that she has to go 68 miles away to the closest public hospital for her chemotherapy.

Mental health may be in even worse shape. In the crumbling city and in the shelters of the displaced, depression reigns. Despite a suicide rate triple what it was a year ago, the New York Times reports we have lost half of our psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists and other mental health care workers. Mental health clinics remain closed. The psych unit of the big public hospital has not been replaced in the private sector as most people in need are too poor to pay. The primary residences for people with mental health problems are our jails and prisons.

For children, the Washington Post reports, the trauma of the floods has not ended. A Louisiana State University mental health screening of nearly 5,000 children in schools and temporary housing in Louisiana found that 96 percent saw hurricane damage to their homes or neighborhoods, 22 percent had relatives or friends who were injured, 14 percent had relatives or friends who died, and 35 percent lost pets. Thirty-four percent were separated from their primary caregivers at some point; 9 percent still are. Little care is directed to the little ones.

The criminal justice system remains shattered. Six thousand cases await trial. There were no jury trials and only four public defenders for nine of the last 10 months. Many people in jail have not seen a lawyer since 2005. The Times-Picayune reported that one defendant, jailed for possession of crack cocaine for almost two years, has not been inside a court room since August 2005 despite the fact that a key police witness against him committed suicide during the storm.

Just Whatever

2006-06-26T21:06:00.000-04:00

Now it is summertime. No coats to wear, no windows to shut, no socks.
Our son graduated from High School, and with any luck, we still hope to see the other two kids some day. It has been 5 years now. Gene is looking for work to earn $$ for college as well as for a camping trip to Gettysburg with 3 other buddies, much inspired by his Uncle Dave's trip out west after HS. NOW he is more serious about getting that summer job... Whatever works!
In the meantime, my husband continues to learn to be a salesman, something I think he has a knack for. We have a couple of good things that may come of it. I played secretary today and typed letters of info, thank yous, faxes, etc. Tomorrow it is back to making glass jewelry.
Wednesday and Thursday we gather to say goodbye to and celebrate the life of one of our dear friends at church, Clarence. He was rarely sick, but bacterial infections got the best of his lungs. I really thought he would make it. He was 70. Too young. My dad was only 72, and so was Bill and Frank all of which passed last year.
I wake up in a lot of creaking pain from killing my back last year and from a couple of falls (and maybe arthritis?) this year. I want to wake up and swim or work out, but I just haven't gotten there.
The Brookings made it in town and out. They look great and got around to all the people (almost) who wanted to visit them. We had a great creek walk that was marked by a mysterious buck in the woods and a hail storm.
My pup has cancer but is doing well. She is as sweet as ever.
I've NOT been to the pool yet! We have not had a whole lot of sunny days since it opened.
I miss singing.
My studio is an ignored mess.
The garden is beautiful. I had to call Ultra Lawn twice to be sure they stop shooting their chemicals into my poor garden while they "service" my neighbor's lawn. I freaked out when i first saw all those pellets. I started picking them all out one by one. My goliath aster seems to be taking it the worse. Those things go right through the covered fence.
I found out what happened to ALL THOSE SUNFLOWER SEEDS! Nothing had been coming up, so figured they were bad seeds, Heck, none of the holes seemed disrupted! But we have shrews or moles in the yard. They stole them thru the "basement" and buried them so deep, it took until just yesterday to finally see them sprout! They were all in little bunches in the garden, evidently forgotten in storage. I spread them around and hope to see them all grow up and bloom. I got red and cream colored ones this year. I guess the rest of them better be sprouted indoors...
I would love some DQ right now.
Goodnight.

PCs are annoying

2006-06-20T23:07:00.000-04:00

My husband would get all worked up because he had an old computer. If he just had a new one, how nice that would be! After trashing a few used PCs, he found me a pretty decent Mac for $400 on Overstock.com. He used it for quite awhile, with NO PROBLEMS. A few weeks ago, he decided to finally go ahead and get that PC, and do a trial on wireless.
ACK! I hate using it!! Popups from the right hand corner are endless, and the whole system is confusing. There are endless things to restart and reinstall and uninstall.
Get a MAC, folks. I am still using it with no problems... And it is so much cuter.

Arguing or Discussing

2006-06-12T08:34:00.000-04:00

Within my family of origin, it is known that I want to discuss issues much further past the point of comfort than others. It can be annoying and amazing to families and friends that I want to continue to discuss uncomfortable subjects when people present are either shaking their heads, cutting off the conversation or leaving the room. Typically, the topics are things like elections, abortion, philosophy, race, or sexually related issues.
Why do I go on? First, I argue, not to win, but to understand. Second, I typically have a great deal of trust in the relationship with the person I am discussing things with. I ask a lot of questions to see if they will rephrase their response, hopefully in a way I can understand what they are saying. I am also working to broaden the topic a bit, in search of some context. This can go fine in many cases, especially if I am talking to someone who knows me well enough to trust the relationship will not dissolve if we agree to disagree.
Speaking of, I am so "okay" with agreeing to disagree. Think about anything important you believe. Did you come to this belief while in the heat of an argument? Of course not. Most of us need to come to our beliefs on our own, while either thinking, praying, writing, pondering, walking, or sometimes, after just waking up after a good night's sleep. Everything needs some time to process. I really want to hear what you are saying, for the sake of knowing, not for the chance to pounce on you. I hope you are the same.
What is disheartening is when you are cut off from people because they do not have enough faith in the friendship or the process, when you really thought they would. There is a neat "hump" you get over when you go ahead and discuss your topic to a clearer understanding, working through the discomfort. It is hard to realize that your friend (or family member) cannot discuss things with you maybe because they either think you will disagree or dislike them afterwards. It does not even cross my mind, and it is amazing to me that it would cross theirs. Maybe there are other reasons, however. Sometimes the subject at hand is too personal or painful for the other person to discuss. They do not want to cross a line that will seemingly condemn them, and beg to not enter that area of discussion. Maybe the time or place is wrong. Maybe they have a headache or lost friends on this topic once. I have to be so careful not to insist on continuing. I have to be loving and sensitive to those possibilities, whether shared or not.

Only in America...(click here)

2006-06-10T00:58:00.000-04:00

New York City Garbage is for sale! Not like I don't already have enough junk, but it is a very interesting way of making a buck... From LiquidTreat.com:

Justin Gignac is making art out of garbage. He scours the streets of Manhattan for junk and then carefully installs each array of rubbish (crumbled coffee cups, cigarette butts, pages ripped out of phone books) in sealed plastic cubes which are signed, numbered, and dated. Originally from Norwich, Conn., Gignac started collecting trash when he moved to New York to attend the School of the Visual Arts. For $50 you could have garbage shipped to your home within seven days of payment.

Reasons I am Stressed Out

2006-06-08T06:54:00.000-04:00

We have a friend in the hospital, taking a long time to recover.
My dog has cancer.
I am so overweight.
My son just graduated, which is great, but it is a change.
I am switching off working 2 or 3 jobs.
I need exercise.
My husband's ex stiffed our son $5000 in child support, but since he just graduated, they figure we don't need the money.
My husband's ex is hateful towards my husband for no apparent reason. We have to be the recipient of her inability to deal with the truth, due to her personality disorder.
We still haven't seen our 2 other kids in 5 years thanks to her pranks
The judge still hasn't decided the case in 4 years because it sits in hicksville.
My house is a mess.
No one talks to me at the ad agency job.

Reasons to be happy:

There are ALWAYS reasons to be happy.
I have a great husband and kid and mom and sibs.
I have some work.
Gardening.
Hope in Christ.
Al-Anon friends.
Health.
America.
Elmo.
Yogi.
Cruise Night on Saturday.
Mary and John and their Flying Monkeys are coming in from Maine!
Swimming Pools.
Creek walks.
Beaches.
Music.

Ze Frank is Brilliant! (click here)

2006-06-02T23:56:00.000-04:00

The entertainment value of this site is immeasurable! There is one link after another with valuable information such as How To Dance Properly, How To Impress Your Date, and Interactive Toys such as the one below. Be sure you have the time, cuz you won't want to stop!

More Photos, Just Because

2006-06-02T23:48:00.000-04:00

Graduation Time

2006-06-02T23:32:00.000-04:00

We have two graduating this year. One is on June 5th, the other happened a week or so ago. One is Gene Jr., who is 18 going on 19. His mom held him back in kindergarten. The second one is Crystal, who is 16 and will be 17 in August. She graduated early, from a school in Kansas somewhere. We got the photo of her from an email to Gene Jr. Other than that, we've not seen her or heard from her in years. It is sad.

Handy Latin Phrases Site

2006-05-20T22:26:00.000-04:00

Wow! Do you think I am deep, using Latin? See if you know these phrases. Answers are at the bottom of the post. Click on the post title link to find some more handy phrases to impress others with!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!

I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head
(At a barbeque) Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags
Let's all wear mood rings!