Too much for too long makes you too crazy

Irritated Mom

I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice. 

Life These Days

I will use the word "I" several times here, and I know it.

Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.

New Logo

The Democratic Party revamped their logo. Funny they should unveil it on an ATM machine!

So, this is how it is

It's a gorgeous summer day, and not even 8 am. Gene just left for work, and the house is quiet except for the fans running. The kids are not stirring yet, but it won't be long before Dakota comes downstairs. We've had the longest stretch of hot and humid weather, so this is really pleasant, and there is even hope of cooling off the house, which was not happening, even at night.
SO-- I am almost overwhelmed, but not yet, at the list of things to do I have. I have a slight idea where to start, but after that, it does get over my head.
1. Blog. I am doing that now, while I drink my coffee, so I have to put that first. You could also call it Prioritizing, which people have told me to do my whole life, as if I did not know.
2. Take a walk. I have to lose 90 lbs. and we have good weather for it today. It will also help fend off depression.
3. Buy milk. (maybe during the walk, although I do not like the idea of lugging a jug, really). The kids will want milk for the cereal and we forgot to pick up more last night. (see, it is already getting confusing)
4. Shower. There's a no-brainer, unless I take the kids to the pool today, which would wreck my hair all over again.
5. Clean up room. I have a very small room. Gene and I each have a strip of space about 8 ft long and 2 feet wide to put all our stuff in. Yeah. Gotta pick up the books, papers, clothes and shoes that I had on the bed or in the wardrobe. I can go from perfectly clean to a mess in one day. I need some order in here to feel good about Me and to get dressed decently enough. Usually I don't care, but I am making an effort.
6. Oops-- Quiet Time. This ought to have come before blogging, but it's too late now. I will take this list before God one way or another. I need His guidance and strength.

Now I have to stop the numbering. Here's what else goes through my mind:
-- pay insurance TODAY. Last chance. I can do that over the phone
-- deal with giant water bill. How, I do not know. It is only big because we have not paid it.
-- be a mom. That means I don't really feel GOOD about doing all I have to do and letting them do nothing all day. I want the kids to get out and to the park and creeks and not sit in the house all day. What is it with kids that makes them forget to move? Anyhow, I need to interact with them instead of always worrying about all this stuff. i think. We do need water and lights.
-- a tree branch came down last weekend and no one has attempted to do anything with it. Gene has been working, so he has not had time. Today I am assigning the Boy Scouts, the college graduate and the girl to use Saws and stack wood. That will get them moving.
-- laundry. I have to do laundry. I have to get after the kids to do theirs as well.
-- their rooms. Not a priority right now, but they need to pick up at least while it is not 100 degrees up there.
-- school work. Yes, we are supposed to be getting ready and doing drills. I have only had 4 days of school work so far, about 3 weeks behind usual.
-- OH, YEAH, A JOB!!!!! I NEED A JOB AND HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR ONE or TWO ASAP!!!
-- MORTGAGE PAPERS!!! THE BANK NEEDS ME TO WORK ON PAPERWORK FOR THEM SO WE DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE!
-- ART SALE AND GARAGE SALE. Yes, we are having a big art/yard sale/party on August 14 and I need to make stuff!!!
--Design the church website.
-- Ebay and Etsy. I have so much to set up and sell. And make.
-- gardens. Ack, if we have people over on the 14th, how bad will my yard look? This year I have spent less time in my yard/garden than EVER. It looks soooo sad. I am sure there are beans waiting to be picked, too. Not one sunflower. Sigh. The bushes in the front garden look like Don King's hair. So embarrassed.
-- Bathroom. The kids all have assignments. Phew.

I need more coffee.

Water Day

Took the two little ones to the river today and we walked a long way upstream. Kota loves to get into the current and float. MOST of the river was about an inch or two (or LESS)deep, except for the few waist-high places Dakota was in. They were VERY fascinated to find that clay is in the riverbank. They spent some time in the perfectly gray stuff and brought home a handful each. On the way home we stopped at Buttermilk Falls, and they easily walked down into the same pool we used to get into at the bottom of the falls. I love that they have no hesitation and don't mind getting dirty. When we got home, of course, they wanted to go the pool!

I need big water

Photo by Mary Williams

That Wheel

Sometimes I wonder when I will ever change.

Freaking OUT! AGAIN!

OH, I am SOL on so many levels. And I hardly ever use that term. I feel sick and nervous and awful. Going home to get my camera to shoot a pile of Ebay. Wish I did not have to stay there for homework and such. Need to make money and quick. SOOOOOOOOOO Sick of living this way!

Online Portfolio, At Last

view my portfolio:
coroflot.com/dingerart

Feeling better

Thank you to anyone who responded to my dark days. The prayers (along with other things that I will write about later) have helped so much. I have a lot to do yet to resolve things, but for now, I am out of the shadows.

Boo

I am having a dark Halloween. I am as depressed as I've been in a long time, due to financial strain and lonliness. It is a gorgeous, warm day, I have a cute little kid around and my beagle and cat, but very little hope about money. I have not been able to earn or work much, and neither has my husband. I am at the end of my rope. In the past, I've been very creative and I rarely give up hope on what could come around the corner, but at this moment, I feel hopeless, sad, angry, dismal, depressed and lifeless.

Blah

I hate being sore and tired unless it is from a good workout.
I hate violent tv, even slightly violent and being stuck with no where in the house to escape from it.

I Suppose I am a Meany

We have a small house with 4 kids in it, 2 adults, the belongings of our adult child, who moved to another city, a workshop, the contents of an art studio and an office, besides the normal bathroom (only 1), bedrooms, kitchen (no cupboards) and ancient garage (1-car, no door). If we don't keep things in place, or at least in the general areas they need to be, it becomes hard to get around, get dressed, and even harder to find anything.
The 3 youngest children came from a home where there was simply no order or cleanliness. Since they've been gone from their mom only 16 months, I think a sense of disorder gives them a sense of "home" that they subconsciously cling to. Plus, they are kids.
Recently, we reconfigured their rooms so there would be a place to put everything. On the youngest's drawers, we even labeled what ought to go into each one. He likes that a lot. He's become much better at making his bed. They even have their own laundry bags and do their own laundry at times.
The oldest is usually blind to any room issues. He can claim that he "never knew!" he was supposed to pick all that stuff [sister's shoes, his socks, brother's sandals, wee cars] up off the floor! What??? No one told him! No one told him he would have to put his clothes into a bag or basket and not scatter them all over once ready for cleaning. Poor, uninformed kid! Of course, I told him this many times, nicely, yelling, writing it down, but he is woefully uninformed.
The little girl just arranges things, which I totally understand, since I did that myself as a child, and truly thought this was the correct thing to do. It was unbelievably time-consuming, but it was also satisfying and developed my sense of design. I "cleaned" my room for hours. It was never done, and is not to this day. She still has to do the job, and no doubt does the usual tricks like jamming all her clean clothes into the laundry room as "storage," and shoving stuff under her bed, "forgetting" the stuff jammed in at the headboard, etc.
The worst part of this is that after I try to get them to make their beds before they leave for school, which they generally do, I ask them to pick up before they go to bed- well before they go to bed, like at least an hour. This is where they go deaf and I have amnesia. When it's time to tuck in, be sweet, give backrubs and kisses, read stories or say prayers to these guys, it's more like they get a visit from their worst nightmare. I am shocked that there are socks under the bed, clothing left right where it left their hands, games just where they were 3 hours ago and that the little angels have not been getting PJs on as I so foolishly imagined, but are huddled around a Gameboy [illegal! illegal! illegal!] behind someone's bed, in full daytime dress, maybe minus shoes and socks, with hip-hop playing in the background. I have no power after dinner, except for my voice, I guess, as well as my talent for hiding the DS in a new spot (my favorite being in their own room) while they endure a time without it as consequence.
I just hate yelling at them right before bed. "What were you thinking???!!!!! How could you think this is what I meant by cleaning your room??? I love you sleep good see you in the morning." Good thing they get amnesia overnight.

Get Three-Dimensional

For the most part, we have boys in the house. For my first three kids, there were two boys and one girl; same for the second set. Inevitably, the boys get hooked on screens of any kind. This melts their brain cells at a young age (7-12) and then it levels off to basically All They Do at an older age. Our 21-year-old got to the point where he could sit in his room and discuss important matters with Many People Around the World (as if this would impress me), listen to tunes, blog, write stories and do his homework, all at one time. He could be in there for hours, and I usually called him down for dinner, when he ate, by IM-ing him.
My husband was drawn into the video game when he was a teen, when all there was was Pac Man and stuff like that. When I bought my house in 1996, it came with an old Atari system, so he and his two boys would sit there and ignore the nice weather, the rest of the house, the state of the nation, etc. Fortunately for me, as the Systems in our house improved to Nintendo, PS2, XBox, etc., the games were too hard to play with against our son, and were no fun, and I got my husband back!
College came, and the Systems got moved to college, then sent back for the next set of boys. Boys usually come with More Boys. Red carpets were laid out, announcements were made and the almighty Halo game came in during a school break. I had a fit, and it left.
Today is Sunday. I am sick today (which is how so many posts have gone up today) and since the rest of the family endured a 2-hour adventist service yesterday, we missed our service, as well as a picnic after church. The 8-year old got a DS for his bd yesterday, so the day was started with that, then the on-TV Spiderman game, then onto online games as well as XBox games in the living room. Add the fact that the 12th grader had an overnight guest (another 12th grader) over to play games and they were up to 4 am. They just want food, space and electricity. But they share their games, tips, laughs, space, food and electricity with the young boys and the husband. It is a male bonding free-for-all and I just go to my room for a read and a nap.
It is now 4:23. I kicked the younger boys OFF ANYTHING at 3:00 and told them to go outside. Do anything, take a walk, eat out there, go to a friends, throw a ball, chalk on the sidewalk. You would think they were thrown in a trunk to die. Their faces are crumpled into 3-pouts-in-one and their arms are crossed. "There's nothing to do!" they cry. The older boys I let go. They are nearly adults, and they are not dependent on this for fun; they just like it. The cool thing is, since they are not dependent, they've given up their screens and are outside throwing the ball around now, while I am on my screen, next to my husband, who is on the XBox.

Have You Taken A Walk Today?

Harvest Time Although We City Slickers Ain't Farmers

I like this picture. Is he going to buy one pear and one apple? Will he share it with is sister with the cool socks?Does she already have some? What about that corn?

Yeah, We're Artists

We were in University Circle a few weeks ago, at the Chalkfest. I like how these guys let me drag them all over to do non-screen related activities.
We made some fun pictures and we hope to do it again next year.

Places like this (one of the gardens at the Cleveland Museum of Art) are so beautiful, and when you grow up around them, you can take them for granted. I think it is important to make some of these areas "home" to the kids. When they are older, I assume they will seek out beauty. I hope so. Beauty makes a whole lot of difference in our lives, and I think it is good to surround ourselves in it whenever possible. There is plenty of the opposite in our faces all the time, so we have to "stock up," I think.

Time to revise the blog

I will be messing around with this, so it will look like a mess for awhile...

Sigh. It's Almost Over

The last day for the pool was Monday. We stayed all day and I got myself a sunburn. We don't usually show up at the pool until after 2:00, but that day it was 12:40 - 5:00. It was great, sunny, warm and they used up all the chairs by 2:30.
Today was the second day of Home Days. We went for a preview last night, but it was pretty drizzly and not many were there. Today, it was gorgeous. I let the kids ride one ride each and they bought a water, but that is it. I would love to splurge on $15 wristbands, but not this year. We had a nice time regardless.

Yes! She IS the cutest thing!!!

No, I don't know her, but her parents have posted this on her blog.

August

I almost always start to get panicked and almost down in August. I HAVE to get to the beach. I did get there a couple weeks ago, but I need MORE. Today won't be the day, but I plan on getting to the pool the moment it opens... School starts in a week!

"Sometimes, I Just Don't Get It," or "When Does it Get Better," or "Good Time to Write a Gratitude List"

The other title for this post would be, if I did not compare my problems with the rest of the world, My Life is Really Sucking at the Moment. And it really could be worse.
But right now, I am wondering what I do with my life and why I bother.
First of all, all I do is work, and that is all my husband does as well. Yet, we hardly have any payoff but our survival. Surviving is important, no doubt, but to live this way for so long is a big drag.
I am moved to write this because it is 10:25 pm, I missed my shower today, took all three kids to the counselor's, but worked with Dakota and Dustin because it was Destiny's turn. Dakota was awful while working with the homework packet, whining, practically eating his feet as he tied up in knots, itching and whining and pouting because he could not remember how to read some words off his word list. When I tell him he's given me the wrong word, he insists I have it wrong. We got through it, and I did not let him make me stop with the homework, but it was no fun.
Dustin has been working on math all year, and even though we go over 3 x6 = 18 over and over, he still cannot seem to remember it. This has been months just on a few math facts. I don't know what to do about it.
Destiny leaves half her stuff at her friend's house, where we have to track it down. She's picked up a weird laugh and is in her little animal world way too much for a girl her age in my opinion. I let her go to her friend's a lot because I used to play with my pals all day too, and it is better than sitting in the house.
Everyone always wants to get on the computer, all the time. This does not happen.
I get asked if they can play PS2 every day, all day. I make them wait until after dinner for the most part.
I've not been to the beach yet. Gas is too much. But we will likely go soon. We get to the pool at least a few times a week, but the pool has lost a lot of the magic for me that it used to have, sad to say. I cannot put my finger on what made the change. I think it may have something to do with what I need in my chakras. I don't need water as much as I used to. I have enough change in life.
We got to the park a few times. Never got back to check for berries. They were not ready when I did go, now it will be too late.
Gene is working his tail off, and continues to have a fantastic attitude. He is a great husband.
My sister needs tons of help as she is taking on more changes in a few weeks than most people will in a few years.
My church is run by a few people who are holding on to a dream that is more of an idol than God's will. They let a good pastor go in exchange for more control or chaos or whatever. In any case, I have no fellowship there in a formal way, but at least one-on-one with a few. Nothing too in-depth, so I can go unnoticed forever. The split in the services was the beginning of the end.
Mom is a fantastic support, as are my sibs. I miss seeing them.
I am tired. I spent most of the day in the basement, after coming back from counseling and feeding them lunch. I used to have what I called a studio, but now it is storage that imitates studio. I have several boxes and shelves of paper and books and mags and whatever. I have this idea I will go thru them, but never do. I also have a studio at Mom's and nowhere to go with it. I accomplish nearly nothing in those areas, because I am cleaning house.
Since I spent all day down in the basement, the dishes that started to pile up last night, after I made dinner, piled up more. It occurs to no one to help. Of course, I am referring to No One. The little kids will help when I ask, but the big kids don't even notice the mess. I don't know why anyone has to be told to do the dishes so I can go on with other things. Gene used to help me but now he is gone to work all day and all night.
Every piece of clothing in the house needs to be washed as well, but I can hardly move in the laundry room. I made the place so nice and now I am stuck with a mattress and box spring that has cluttered it up for weeks-- I can't stand it!!
Gene Jr. moved from a house to an apartment this weekend, so we got rid of One Dresser, One Computer Desk, One Entertainment Center and One Bed. The rest of his stuff is in half the closet and lines the hallway. The hallway that Yogi just peed in, at 10:15 pm, when I am so exhausted. The hallway leading to the kids' room, which contains piles and piles of junk that they have nowhere to put, patched up floor rugs, a huge tv just sitting there and Destiny's bed, which she peed on this morning and yet, did nothing to clean it up until I was tucking her in.
This just makes my day.
Then, as I am stressing out over that, the 17-year old, who stayed up all night playing some sort of game on the computer, announces to me that the dog has peed, and excuses himself to go take a run, walking over me as I am trying to wash all this up, running past the pile of dishes and the laundry which could now go downstairs. He also went to work most of the day and came home early, only to not get any extra sleep except on the couch a bit.
I am just exhausted.
I TOOK the dog out, btw. He is afraid to come out sometimes, and I could not force him. Next time, I will put on his collar and pull him out. Believe me, he will be blocked out of my bedroom tonight, because I have to be the one to get up when he scratches and pounds on our door at 4:30 am to go out or get a drink of water. I cannot take this any more. Gene sleeps through it. I wish I could.
Dakota's skin is getting bad, and I have to take him in to the doctor's, but don't even know where the info is.
Gene's desk is piled over my head with papers to file and bills we ignore. I am not even sure what is to be shut off next or when.
I am overwhelmed. And so tired. I do nearly nothing for myself and have hardly any fun.
I don't know how to make things better. I try and try so hard, all day every day and it never seems to change, ever.
So is this what my life is now? Just a maid for young people who want to play? I think when you are under 12, you OUGHT to be able to play. But they have their jobs and they do them with my help. I cannot just have them "do" them, because they are only learning, so it is still work for me to supervise.
Anyhow, I hope tomorrow is better. This is a total drag.

The Lies that Bind You

I have a big problem: I love to read. I am curious about (it seems) everything. The bigger problem is that I don't really have time to read all that much, so I save it for "another time." This "time" in my mind is the lie. As long as I choose to believe it, I keep magazines, newspaper articles, books. For a long time. Years. Since I was not paying attention to my reading while in Middle School (over 30 years ago now) or perhaps, I felt I should have retained the information, I even have my Jr. Scholastic magazines. They are so cool!! Things about how 18-year olds will vote, cool ads with that early 70s flavor, articles about countries that no longer exist as they did back then. At this point, the collection may land me some change via Ebay, but really! I know I kept them to read them, but now I just don't want to part with them.
Then, I have a year's sub to Ceramics Monthly. I've not thrown clay or mixed a glaze since 1980, but they are here in my basement. And the year I decided I would paint and enter shows, I got American Artist. Still here, 18 years later. No surprise.
Dad passed onto me his Smithsonians. Those are so pretty! A whole article about turquoise and turquoise jewelry. Can I miss that? I have so far. Same with Kachina dolls and Matisse paintings. Then we have those great offers from Better Homes and Gardens, which only charged $12.00 per year. Endless articles on gardens and cooking and decorating, all my interests. What if I need an article on interesting sandwiches? It is more likely I will look it up on the net or ask someone.
I used to get the paper at home, which is a total fire hazard! I will skim thru, find at least one article I want to "spend more time on," and then fold that page up and think I will get to it later. Since that does not happen, the whole stack of pages, which is harmless enough, gets filed to read later. And after that, several stacks follow until a large pile deserves... A Box.
We don't dare get a paper at home any more.
There are others like me out there. I know at least four others who had or have the same issues. Three of them worked with me at, guess where: A magazine publishing company.
So, today, I went thru a few things. Did not read-- no time for that-- but I did notice the dates on some of those mags. If I ever decide to pitch them, I will be sure to sign up for a new subscription, and start over.

Aboard the Goodtime III

These guys definitely like being on the water, in the wind. It was a gorgeous night.

Thoughts upon finishing my 50th year

Yes, finishing (on my birthday, 50 years will have been completed), I see the same old problems I had half a life ago, mostly having to do with discipline.
And memory, short-term, that is. This week I forgot to do at least two things I rarely forget: one appointment and one commitment to help someone. These two things did not even cross my mind. I ended up pulling weeds and watching a classic movie during one, and going to the movies and pool during the other.
Other than that, I am tired. I started being a mom just last year. I did my stepmom stint starting 8 years ago. I had a hard time being disciplined and organized (note: I KNOW how to organize, but it takes time to DO IT) before kids, now it is nothing but a dream-- or a nightmare.
I've lost myself, or lost track of myself, somewhere. I don't know how I can possibly be a good example or role model for these creatures, but they still seem to like me, and even love me regardless.

Life

Life swings from one extreme to another for me, maybe for you? On one hand, we go on trips to the park and see beautiful things, do fun stuff like go on the Goodtime III, pick berries, swim a lot, etc. On the other hand, I get so tired of piles of dishes & laundry, wake up with headaches, am way in debt, way overweight, out of touch with friends too much. I am glad I don't wait for perfect conditions to get out and do those fun things. I am going to complete year 50 in less than a month, and I feel slightly old. I think the kids keep me young.

David Gilmour

This is what i look like under all my baggy clothes

My bedroom looks like that, too.
Actually, that is Rita Hayworth, with Nan Wynn on vocals.
From You Were Never Lovelier (1942).

I like this

The Moon and The Stars 3 by *natasha-cinnamon on deviantART

We Love Warm Weather

Our first day of getting out for vacation.

Spring has Sprung

In the 10 years I've lived in my house, I've never seen a toad in my yard. Yet, Destiny, our indigo child, found one the other day. I hadn't seen her in several minutes, so I looked behind the garage, and found her crouched down near the woodpile. She turned to look at me and quietly informed me that she and the toad were communicating. I am sure they were.

Have you ever seen them?

St. Pat's

Buttermilk Falls after heavy rain

The sound was fantastic.

Kota-man @ Buttermilk Falls

Sunset Pond

Rat Maze

Everywhere I go in the house, I turn on lights, even in the daytime, even in the lights are already on. I just cannot seem to find enough light. I need to go to Florida, and soon. I wear the same gray hoodie around, since it is warm, but it only serves to make my day grayer. My studio is in the basement, and the basement is loaded with stuff already, including my husband's office, where I can hear video game shooting, if he is relaxing. NOT relaxing to me. I need space! The living room is small, the kitchen is busy, my dressing room is cramped and has yellow wallpaper, which I hate. There are not enough windows. No place has enough windows for me. Spring cannot come soon enough. I try not to complain, but I do have my limits, especially on days I don't feel so good, like this week.
It will get better.

Why I Love to Sing

How did I miss this in December?

We'd never get this nowadays

Back in 1964, especially if you grew up in England, you would find this hilarious, which it is.. If any pop group performed Shakespeare today, people would figure it was a "Promote Reading and the Arts" show. I don't sense that U. S. youth are familiar with the arts so much today, especially theater. Enjoy the Fab Four in a section of Act V Scene I of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which the Rude Mechanicals present their play of Pyramus and Thisbe at the wedding of Theseus and Hippolyta.

Happy Christmas!

Okay, everyone is out of school now. Des just came home with tons of gifts from school, including monkey sox and kitty slippers. The college kid is home and visiting with his best buddy. I get to go out to Lola tonight with my mom and siblings, a great and special break! Tomorrow I still have to shop for Gene Sr. and Jr., and had better get a Clarisse for Destiny or I will be in trouble.
The big news in my book is that our daughter and her husband (both in the Air Force) are expecting!
Best wishes to all. We've had a blessed year.

Random random random random insanity

Ack. My beagle is acking. He was sleeping a minute ago. He is 10 and he is happiness, just as Charles Schultz said. I think that is because beagles are so simple and loving.
He had to go out. The wind is so strong, it slammed the door. The wind chill is making the 24 degrees feel like 10. The sky is a deep navy gray, and the shocking white clouds before them are moving fast. The moon is hanging sideways in its last quarter and looks so strange and bright. Now the little guy is asleep on my bed.
I just talked to a couple I met on the radio a few years back, Fred and Jill. They are so fun and kind and loving, and they play good music. I miss people like that in my life -- I used to have lots of them. Anyhow, I just won a certificate to a restaurant, here at 11:30 pm. It was great talking to them. I feel like it is so rare to be in touch with people like that. Now Gene and I will have another place for a date night, if we can ever find a babysitter. Twenty more minutes and I wake him up to sit shotgun in the plow truck. They are playing the Traveling Willburys, one of my favorite groups ever.
The dishes will wait until tomorrow. I made a crummy dinner tonight and don't want to be around the dishes. A couple people liked it.
My studio waits.
The house looks nice inside, to me, at least, except for my room and the basement.
I started writing out Christmas cards today. We actually have new friends (or acquaintances) now since the kids came around, so I had a few more than usual.
We have an interim pastor, and I like him and his wife.
I am in choir.
Still no regular exercise. Still hate myself every morning around 4 am when my back hurts from all the extra weight and lack of exercise.
The kids went wacky tonight when they were running the Corvette into things (and each other) in the living room. Lots of screams. I stayed out of the way while I cooked my crummy dinner.
This week is doctor week. Tuesday is the plastic surgeon for Dakota, and I will cancel the Wednesday asthma test for now. Thursday they all go to counseling. Friday Kota gets rechecked for his skin issues. I am tired already.
Our college student has to go to jury duty all week. Tomorrow he has to get downtown by 7:50. Wear a hat!
I want to rip the wallpaper down in this room. I hate it.
Tomorrow I make a roast.

Christmas Month

The kids got gifts on the first of October. We were going to wait until Christmas, but decided to open them the day after Thanksgiving. Destiny got a Barbie tea set, Dustin got Brown's stickers, banner, etc. and Dakota got this awesome red truck that came with bling. It was funny. That weekend made us decide we would stretch out the season and not make everything about Christmas morning gifts. Last weekend we went to an event for families who are "kinship" families. It was put on by the county and was very well organized. Just walking in they got Shrek puzzles, scribblers and candy. The tables were all named after some Christmas thing, like Donner, Blizten, Frosty, etc. Around the outside of the huge room we were in were stations for face painting, beading, golf, beanbag toss and coloring. The "parents" sat on the inside and munched on snacks and met others while the DJ led people in line dancing, kareoke and Christmas trivia games. Santa was at the top of the steps and we got free photos, very nice ones, too. After our free lunch, as many kids as possible posed for a group photo to be sent to Jerry Springer, as he donated a great deal to the party. They held a thank you banner that everyone signed. After awhile, gifts were given out. Dustin got a huge yellow remote control Corvette, McDonald money, a basketball, 5 Hot Wheels, and tons of candy. Destiny got a Hello Kitty sticker/stamp book. Dakota got Spiderman dune buggy, Spiderman/Black Venom walkie-talkies, a Lego set and tons of candy. Destiny did not fall apart for getting less than her brothers! They enjoyed these things all week, too. Today, we went to another kinship event, and the set up was similar, with the kids on the outside making things and the adults sitting down. This one was a potluck. A woman from the Cleveland Public Library spoke and she was a great speaker! She was a preacher for the system, I swear. Very entertaining. Then we had a workshop on capturing your memories of your family and past, as well as looking at your family tree. I loved hearing these elderly Black women's stories. One woman and her sister were raised with two white sisters in New Orleans, and she shared how they were raised to be orderly and obedient. She ended up going to school to be an educator, and was happy to get out of the way when she met up with the attitudes of children today.
We also sang some songs, the kids saw Santa and got a free book of their choice. They handed us a bag of gifts when we walked out to the lobby. The gifts were unbelievable! Dustin got a tank, army men, a nighttime spy cam, a camera, a Marines cap & fatigues. Dakota got two more Spiderman figures. Destiny got what she was hoping for, Littlest Pet Shop pets! LOTS of them. She could not be happier.
By this time, it was getting snowy. We went to yet another party, and this one was Scottish. My mom managed to save us a table. The Heather Belles danced, as well as the Jenny May Dancers. We had plenty to eat and Santa was led in and out by the bagpipes. Dustin got a Quizzer, Dakota got a Magnadoodle and Destiny got beading. We were all so tired and went home and played. Actually, I went to bed for a nap. It was GREAT.
So, we are loaded with gifts for the kids. This includes the slippers I bought them all with the Target gift card someone gave us annonymously and the dinosaurs their mom bought them yesterday at the mall.
We are so blown away with everyone's generosity. BLOWN AWAY! God is comforting us so much by how others are reaching out to make sure the kids are taken care of. We look forward to a lifetime of paying it forward...

Blah

I am tired. I woke up at 5 something, did some email stuff and then returned to bed at 7, after I tuned in the tv to cartoons. The kids found them a couple minutes later, Gene got up and got breakfast going and I got 2 hours of additional sleep.
The kids get into a daze when they watch tv, so it is good we hardly let them see it. Before they came, they watched it in their own rooms, and had cable. In any case, I started my day extra late then, and was behind the rest of the time. I just finally got laundry in and it is almost 9 pm. Got lots of other things done, though. Went to a craft show, one of the bigger ones in the area, and it was all about the snowmen. They were everywhere, on sleds, in buckets, hanging from trees, standing next to trees, holding lights, etc.
I finally pulled out Tip-It, from under my bed. I have the same version I played in the 60s and the kids loved it. They made sounds and laughs that would have delighted toymakers. Dustin won all 3 games. It was a good game to help them learn to observe (which peg is heaviest, which can use some discs), be careful and count.
We are painting the living room for the first time in 10 years. Gene re-did the window frames.
That is all for now.

TV is so boring

Especially when you only have a few channels. It's not a big deal-- I have plenty to do, but now and then like to sit there and flip my um... (3 in good weather-5-if I move the rabbit ears-8-19-maybe 25, 43, and if I am in the mood for Spanish, 61) SEVEN stations. The bummer is, everywhere you look during the day are 1. Commercials to sue Someone Responsible For You Being Home At This Hour, 2. Commercials to get you to go to chef school, medical terminology school, electronics school or to some cheap college so you can get further in your loser life, 3. Commercials for CHEAP car insurance so you can drive to these places (and hope you don't have to use #1.), 4. STUPID FAKE COURT SHOWS, 5. Ladies-Who-Scream-in-the-Audience Shows (like the View or Martha or Oprah), 6. Shows that reveal weird or scary or sad things, like Jerry, Montel, Oprah, etc.). I can skip all these since I have plenty going on during the day...
At night, you have only two choices: 1: Reality TV, mostly with some competition where you have to phone in a vote, or 2: Dead Bodies on Metal Tables being poked, zoomed in on, argued over, shaved, rolled out, or something. Usually, this is accompanied by cool dance club music and lights that are cool and pretty. The people doing this work are always very gorgeous and witty and intelligent.
I am sick of TV.

It's a Colorful Life

I got to raise my stepson from the time he was 13, but now I am getting the chance I missed to be a full time mom to little ones.
I just tucked in all three kids and am back down on this floor, piled with laundry to sort, dishes to wash, papers to put away-- all the stuff you see in houses with families with kids. There is even a ball in the driveway and a bike only half in the garage. The light was left on in the bathroom again, and there are tub toys on the edge of the tub. Our house is small and in many places, unfinished. When we leave one thing out of place, you can tell. We need kitchen cupboards and counters, a new floor, new windows, carpeting, paint, and all sorts of things, but whatever. The cool thing is seeing a little boy peer out the window of the bus each day, happy to see someone is waiting for him. Then I get to hear his report, which is usually, "HAPPY!" then walking home with his little hand in mine, hearing all his stories while he jumps along. Then there are more cool things like hearing the little girl singing in the while steering the red car of the grocery cart-- she makes up all the tunes and words, and they are beautiful. Then watching the oldest child run out and play football for the first time in his life is awesome. He plays hard and never gives up. These kids are neat because they basically get along. They really look out for each other and share a lot. When one buys something at the dimestore, it is always in threes. They have feelings and they show them. They are curious and they ask. They have fun and sleep well. It does not bother me that they are not "mine" and that I was nearly 49 when they moved in. This is a dream life for me and my husband, and I hope the kids will feel that way about it too.

Me and Color

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! Pretty simple, but rather accurate... Click here to read the rest of the results.

Stepmothering Part II

We recently took in our nieces 3 children ages 6, 8 & 10. This is the 3rd or 4th time they had been "offered" to us; this is the first time their mom actually gave them to us for daily care, other than when she was shipped out to help with Katrina cleanup for a month.
More on this later, as I am so tired! It is 12:30 am and we started early.

Addendum

Shortly after I wrote about my beloved former co-workers, I attended the vistation at the funeral home for one of them, Bruce Jablonski. It is possible that Bruce passed on the very day I was writing. He was not seen for a little while, his neighbor noticed this, and then he was found in his house when his brother came to see. Bruce was only 57.
I know we fell out of contact for a couple reasons, one being the fact that I was layed off and we no longer worked together. Another would be that I got married around the same time, so I was kind of busy and distracted. We usually had pretty good conversations. He was very talented, and was kind of a recluse. He played banjo, the "Kingston Trio" kind of thing, was a good painter and illustrator, and loved to cook. He took roasting a chicken very seriously.

With Whom Do You Work?

I worked at one place for twelve years. It was a department in a large company, and we occupied half the 6th floor of an office tower. The amazing thing about this art department was how the people in the group seemed to all get along. The sharing and friendship was great. We spent time visiting, attended weddings, had great parties and back rubs and shoulders to cry on were not unusual. I and many others give credit to the people in charge, Larry and Lou, for knowing who to hire. It was a special place and time, and until the company fell upon bad times, we stayed together. I was one of the first layoffs, over 8 years ago. Now, a department of about 60 is down to only a few. Some retired, some died, others we've never seen again, and several of us are still in touch to this day. I freelanced a bit, had some longer stints, but nothing has ever compared to working at Penton. I worked at one place for almost 3 years, and that was a nightmare of screaming, gossip, anger, and wasted energy. It never got better. After 3 years of more freelancing, I got a job at a really good company. They do everything right. I am so impressed with the place. What amazes me, though, is that some women, even though there for almost 20 years, seem to be no closer to each other than acquaintances. Even worse, they can be so cold and amazingly unfriendly and close-minded. The men in my department seem to be much more human. I am happy with the company, okay with the work, but it is a weird experience to have to work at someplace so different than Penton. You would think that if you spent most of your time at a place, you would try to make it as pleasant an environment as possible, but I guess that is not the way it is everywhere.

here it is

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We are getting old

We hope to move to the Smokies one day. Gene is learning banjo and I started watching NASCAR. We ought to be ready soon. These are our neighbors-to-be, I hope.

I just love this

White and Nerdy

Can it really be March already?

Life has changed quite a bit since I work full time outside the home now. It is good, but different. I miss blogging, but I will get back to it eventually, just like weight lifting, cooking, cleaning, reading, traveling, etc. I must think I will live to 500 or something.

Drippy Saturday

Not blogging much because I found fulltime work.
We have an abundance of birds in the back today. When you open the door, it sounds like a jungle. I am not sure what most of them are, but there are large bunches of blue jays out there. It is like watching heavy traffic outside the kitchen window.
The rest of 2006 will probably go quickly. As soon as Halloween was over, the Christmas music started playing on the intercom at the stores. The decorations are so bright and beautiful, I like going to the stores at this point. I think I get more excited about Christmas now, than when it arrives. But I ramble. Gotta leave for work now.

She Who Makes No Sense

On Father's Day, 2001, 2 of my 3 stepchildren were packed into their mother's car and moved out of state, without warning, legality, communication or reason. When my husband went to pick them up for their summer visitation, he found their trailer empty. The youngest had just turned 10, the middle child was about to turn 12. The oldest child, was about to turn 14, lived with us, but was not even given a chance to say goodbye to his siblings or mother.
What do you do when this happens? First instinct is to call the police. The reply from the police is to call your lawyer. What if you don't have one? What if you would like to hire one but live 3 counties over from the courthouse you have to use? What if no one in your area wants to practice out there? Who do you trust when all the references you are given are local? What good does hiring a lawyer do when you feel your children are kidnapped? Who has time to shop for lawyers at a time like that? And, if you do find one, how will you pay for it?
In the meantime, where are your children? Will they call? Will they write? Do they need help? Will the stepfather that drove your oldest son off now be abusing the other two? Who cares about this problem? Who can help? If something illegal was done, who can help and how soon?
Well, we got a lousy lawyer. He was no help at all. He did next to nothing. The mother of these children simply got away with what she was doing by not being compliant. The judge ordered certain things, and she simply did not do them. Who was to prosecute her several states away?
Now it is 6 years later. The oldest, who went through great depression and healing, is now in college. The middle one has graduated early from High School, from what we hear. The youngest is mentally ill. The children were told, as the car was driving off from their old town, into their new, that they ought to forget their father and their brother-- they have a new life now. They were moved from one school to another (at least 6 schools in 5 years) and one living place to another, and this from a woman who claimed her ex-husband did nothing but move. She Who Makes No Sense also hops from one job to another, and this is also from a woman who claimed her ex-husband could not hold down a job. In reality, he's lived in the exact same place for the past 8 years and worked at the same place for 6. She Who Makes No Sense seems to think that whatever she has a problem with is not a problem. She simply projects what she does onto her ex-husband, and claims he does it.
Which leads us to today. Today she decided that it was her ex-husband's fault that her youngest was in the mental institution. Yet, it was SWMNS who decided to move these children away from their father, with whom they had a very good relationship. She has imagined that their father begged and bargained to have these kids move back, but in reality, nothing was brought up about the subject: he had so little time to visit with them on the phone, he would not bring those things up-- only what the children were up to in their lives and how school was. If the children made these other stories up, she has based her actions on these imaginings only. SWMNS seems to blame everything on a man who has not even had access to these children in several years. Even when she was in town, she had a way of acting as if crimes were committed against her hours ago, when in reality, she and her ex-husband had no contact.
It is our dream that the children will call, come to see us, and open up communication. My theory is that it is too much for a child to have to balance the two parents' personalities in their minds and that they simply settle for one, for survival's sake. As long as they try to pretend the other does not exist, they don't have to be in pain about missing their dad. I also believe that because the mother's personality is so strong and controlling, they simply want to please her and make up stories about things that never happened, especially conversations they never had.

For the Dedicated Couch Potato

You Want One

Giant Cement Birds

What a good idea

When will it change?

Mixed feelings

Well, we all have different feelings about this dreadful anniversary-- dreadful because we wish we did not have to commemorate ANYONE getting murdered by people flying things into buildings-- we wish they were ALL STILL WITH US-- But an Anniversary to be Observed, nonetheless. I am one of those people who will sit and listen to each name read, as long as it takes, although I did not have cable to do that for me this year. But each family has immeasurable pain, some with healing, some not. What I think about are the "in-between" people: partners who were not married and cannot participate in benefits or ceremonies, people who were severely injured and are suffering daily, people who still have not been able to find a single sign of their loved ones-- I think of you often and offer prayers for you, not just today, but during the year.
The NY victims seem to be focused on more than all the other locations of victims-- why the media does this is more likely a case of being right on the scene than for any other reason, but I bet some people feel forgotten.
I noticed the people who would rather forget are those who were at Ground Zero immediately, and could not let themselves leave, not even for a day. The smell of death and the images of horror are still fresh in their minds and they try hard to forget, daily.
Then there are those so far away from the locations, who are now fearful, suspicious and nervous about life. Next to them, we have those folks who are nearly obsessed with the attacks, and wear t-shirts, buy coins, photos, plates, statues, etc. that remind them and keep the crisis alive.
It is very encouraging to see the amazing healing and peace of many Survivors. I am always glad to see people who have been able to get to this point when they have the commemoration on TV.
I wish our global view had changed more in the media, but it has not. We still hear less about those overseas than about pop stars and their divorces. If you want to find out what is going on anywhere, it seems you have to watch BBC news and do your web homework. It does not help the general mentality of the country, though, to be still separate from the rest of the world. The event could have been a great springboard to intelligent reporting, but I guess not. Why can't they get it??
Personally, it is hard to believe the whole thing happened. I taped what was on TV for the first 4 days or so, but never watched them again. I saved it for "posterity." I saved magazines, did screengrabs, etc. but it is so hard to get around this horrible thing.

Kinda Recent Sketches

I made these on July 23rd.