Back to My Studio, But first, about that last cubicle job...

Today I had to take my car in for new wheel bearings, so I worked from home. Normally, I would get sucked into checking out the kids' rooms, something I do every 3-4 months, even though people assume I do it all the time. I really don't. I ignored dishes and my own bedroom, as well as the living room straightening and any office stuff, and went directly to my studio.

It's been several months since I spent any productive time there. I think the last time was May 13th. I only know because I have a dial calendar that stays on the last date I set, and I always set it so I can see when the last visit was. I started out journaling, which got dropped in mid-May for some reason. Maybe because the kids were off school. In any case, I tried to make the best of my late-January home life, buried in the snow with the rest of Cleveland.

I started out this year in an office job 28 miles away. Anyone who talked to me during that time knows the mileage, because I moaned and groaned about it every time I referred to the job. I worked for a good company with good people. But it was a horrible fit. It was a production job, and I am not a production artist or person or anything. Production is not something I can do, no matter how hard I try. I am productive, but not a production person by any stretch of the imagination. I was not as fast as the person I worked with and felt paranoid and inadequate. On top of that (and the dreadful ride), I absolutely hated the product, which was the ugliest catalog you ever laid eyes on, Dr. Leonard's. We had to lay out scores of products that might (or might not) appeal to the elderly, like incontinence products, wart cream, fat rings, toilet raisers, shower seats, age spot lotions, slippers, support hose and my personal favorite (yech), toe fungus ointment. Of course there were photos. Everyone was so different. I got to sit by Martha, who had a dry sense of humor and a Schultz collection. She kept to herself and was very efficient, responsible and bored. She quit right after I did. There was Patti, who was there the longest, was one of the smokers, still dressed up in skirts from time to time and worked like a dog. She sat next to John, a transplant from the south who was great at football, had 2 adorable daughters and a gorgeous wife. He was very fun to listen to and had some opinions and timing. There was Tony, who never left the building and could set anyone at ease. Jerry was so cool, looked good all the time and was very East Coast. The photo department was all that a photo department is, fun, funny and cool. Laurel was a belly dancer and wrote copy, Margaret wrote copy, rode motorcycles and was a good cook. As I inch closer to my own cubicle, I cannot remember some of the people. Oh yeah, there was Chris, who was perfect and fast and liked sports and beer. He was quiet and kind to me, even if I made his life miserable. Mark was an adorable ex-stripper who was amazing on cars and was very good at the catalog work even though he just learned it. There was Jerod, who kept out of everything and was funny also. Dependable. The guy next to him was my boss, Amy's little brother. They finished each other's lines. Also extremely dependable. Amy gave me every chance in the world to make it, but it was for nothing. She was kind enough to hire me and probably sorry in the end that she had. She was convinced that I was on the internet all day, even if I was not. The thing that convinced her was a giant, bigger-than-a-phone-book stack of printouts that said where I was on the internet. Now this place did allow you to check your email at lunch, something I was even afraid to do at first. But I noticed even the "best kids" did, so I gave myself my 20 minutes.
When they first hired me, they figured I would have work to do within the first 2 weeks. I got all set up and found out there was a delay. I needed the money, so though I had very little to do, I was glad to be there. The weather was still good, the pay was good, the people were fine, so I was happy. I learned what I could of what was coming, though no one could give me a clue of how to do it exactly, because THEY did not know-- it was going to be an import that we had to remodel. I learned a bit more of the system and then started to help Tony and Martha and whomever needed help, and I did okay. At some points, I even turned things around much faster than they expected. I was thrilled that I could do this work, finally. Things dried up and Georgenne, the Big Boss, who looked like a double of my husband's ex-wife (not that she is bad-looking, but Memories...), told me to go ahead and look at my catalog online and get used to the products and websites. I did that. I also looked up things on the version of Quark I was going to be using and whatever else I could think of to be productive. This meant, I was ON the internet. This went into my big book of printouts.

This went on for some time. I was hired the last days of August and the work did not come in until late October. As soon as it came in, the place went NUTS trying to get the book out, which was bigger with a shorter deadline than the other books. The work was distributed and I was left in the dust. I geared up for the next round, but it was always a waiting game, and then BOOM. It was all new to me-- I had never laid out a catalog in MY LIFE, let alone this one. Even Martha said she would not have been able to keep up with that pace. And there was no way I was going to, that is for sure.

I pretty much RAN out of there. I was so happy to be let go, even though I felt bad that I was always going to have the reputation for being on the internet. Oh, also-- I use Google home page. That means I had several boxes with several websites listed on my homepage. Not only that, but I had several tabs. Each tab held even more sites. Each time I logged on, all 50 of those web addresses came up on that Phone Book, along with all their cookies. I know because I looked at it. The more I tried to be productive while everyone else was talking in the aisle while waiting for pages to come in-- the more mistakes I made in cover wraps, layouts and details. I STUNK at the job, no matter what I tried to do.

I still get nervous and relive the nightmare just by driving the 271-480-71 route, either way. I need healing.

Sunday Night

I worked at my mom's after church. The kids could have come, but they seemed to want to just sit and watch tv and not eat lunch. I got a lot done for work. Then we watched Mystery Theater or whatever it's called. Lots of guessing for a dumb ending. Left when it was drizzling, came home in pouring rain to a door closed and locked, no light. They thought it was open and were sorry. I get inside, all windows open, all lights on. Grrrr. Seems like only MOMS notice if rain is pouring in windows. Dustin is asleep and the rest are watching Dogs & Cats TWO. I refused to watch ONE. I am in the beach back porch and listening to Doc Watson and the rain coming down. Kitty is on the ledge, hanging out with me. And yes, looking at my laptop, seeing what is up with the newlyweds and such. Snacked on a nice, juicy pear. I love summer. Tomorrow it will get cooler, but I will like that, too.

Why Journal?

All my journals say the same thing, over and over.
I have lots of books, but even more magazines. I don't read them because I need to respond to what I read or I have a mental overload. But while I have my moments of clarity, I think I will read all this stuff.
You ought to see all the great cookbooks I have, and I hardly cook. I prepare food, but that is about it. I WANT to cook and make cool and healthy things to eat, but I don't.
What I DO do, is arrange,
organize,
sort,
purge,
set up,
clean,
photograph,
share,
teach,
occasionally inspire,
motivate,
encourage,
improve,
want.
I want to work out, but I don't.
I have a hard time thinking clearly.
I hate my clothes, most of them,  mostly because they don't reflect my taste. I am bothered on a daily basis that I am overweight as much as I am, but I don't take action.
I am very busy doing nothing important, until I am under pressure. Then, don't bother me. I will be busy doing unimportant things for quite awhile, and then I have very little time left to do what is important, so I am under pressure. I end up generally pleased with what I did under pressure, so I think I can do that at any time.
Then I don't. All this brings a pile of shame and discouragement after awhile, and I feel stupid. I seriously wonder who I am and what I am about anymore, but that is not a bad thing. I figure it helps us to get to those painful points now and then, because if we are sick enough of ourselves, we change. I just wish I would change faster.

Gotta go now.

A Week Later

So, what have I done today?
1. Drove the 2 oldest to school. They have been up and ready by 6:45 every day so far (that's 3 days), even if they fight brushing their teeth in the morning.
2. Took Dakota to Mom's for a shower. Our gas has been off for a week, so no hot water at home.
3. Stopped and bought Dakota 2 binders at Discount Drug Mart, which has the best price on binders.
4. Went home and had coffee and honeydew with Gene. Discussed our day, our weekend, our need to discuss money, our need to stay positive. He made the bed and the coffee while I was gone.
5. Moved the rusting bikes with flat tires out of their current positions in the driveway, pulling the bindweed as they moved. Moved the giant blue tarp that has been laying there in the front of the garage (the garage, not the garage door; that is permanently up in the ceiling for 7 years now) since mid-July as a backdrop to the screaming yellow SLEDS which have been there also. Looked at weeds. Felt overwhelmed. Went inside.
5. Noticed the dishes, which are not easy to miss, since they are all on the counter and in the sink. It's not as fun to do dishes when you don't have hot water. Felt blech.
6. Moved into the back porch with the laptop. It is the nicest and least distracting of my rooms. The cat joined me, sleeping in the rocking chair.
Then I tried to think of what it was I was supposed to be doing. That's taken me all day to get clear. I had to find a phone number, and figured it might be in the spare room, so I cleaned that up. Not there. Now it is probably too late to call. Did some marketing work, slide work, stuff like that. I am going to have to work all night to make up for what I did not accomplish. That is okay, as long as I get it done. Gene is at the golf course anyhow, since I had to wait for the kids to come home. Des got lost and I had to go get her. Dustin is still at football. He will likely go to Jack's. Des has one hour on the computer. Kota instantly wants to get on a Game Boy (an older game we had around). So, it is quiet.

I need a shower.

Not Sure What to Do

Days like this are my challenge. It is gorgeous out. Gene is going to work the golf course until 9. Kids are out playing and will be back. I've no clue what to make for dinner and need to go to the grocery store. Gene Jr. is moving to Columbus. Mom is at home. Dustin is tired.
I've had a rough week just worrying about money. I am so stressed out. I cannot work fast enough. But aside from that, I am so lonely for friends. I want to sit around with friends and do something fun. But I am stuck here waiting for kids to get back, who will ask for what to eat, who will want to play on the computer, who I will have to babysit. I need to get out so badly, but am stuck again, on a beautiful day, alone.

True Confessions

I OWN SEVERAL OLD MACINTOSH COMPUTERS.
I am not exactly sure where they all came from.
I do remember buying a Performa from Sears when I was mad at Gene in 1995 or so (pre-engagement). I think I was mad at him for either buying a car that was all wrong or maybe it was getting a ticket. It doesn't matter. The Performa is gone.
I got a G3 at one point, but don't remember buying it. Then I got another from a workplace that was tossing it. I think. Then I think my brother gave me one.
Gene, on whim, bought a G4 on Overstock.com for like, $400. It was perfectly fine, even for that amount. Somewhere along the line, I got an iMac Bondi. For Christmas last year, I got a PowerBook G4, also from my brother. Last week, he gave me another G4.
One reason some of these did not make it to recycling is because of the data still on the computer or on [O MY GOSH SALLIE FORD IS ON LETTERMANAND SHE IS A TRIP] them and I WANT IT. i had the strange experience of owning all these computers that had either non-functioning CD burners or none at all, so things did not get backed up on the latest methods. I have 2 External Zip Drives, 3 CD readerwriterwhateverstupidthings NEVER EVER EVER WORKED, a Syquest drive and I am pretty sure I threw out my floppies awhile back even though I could read them on the G3 if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I just want my artwork, as if it is important. As if it matters. I've lived without it all this time, but not really. It is in my MIND, IN MOM'S BASEMENT, REALLY. And I will get the artwork and post it on Facebook for some odd reason. I ought to be able to forget it, but I hardly forget anything, except what I am supposed to be doing a the moment.
This is really how I am.
It is also why I remember that I never really wrote my thank you notes from my fantastic high school graduation party, where I probably scored $850 in 1976, when that was a LOT. I assume people remember that I never sent the note. This bugged me through college, probably, though I actually don't remember, but heck, I know it now, right? I assume this is why I lost contact with some people, since I was then viewed (I assume, as if THEY EVEN THINK OF ME AT ALL, WHICH IS SO SILLY SINCE PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO THINK OF) I am such a selfish and ungrateful person.
Yup.
Write me in case this is true for you and I want to make amends.
Which brings me back to my computer story.
When I got married, my friend's friend who I was friends with at the time, took the photos. You are not supposed to do that-- you are supposed to hire a pro, and she was okay. The biggest bummer was that I did not hand the loaded video recorder to anyone until someone picked it up toward the end of our reception. It was an awesome wedding, a fun reception, a fantastic honeymoon that has not ended yet. I lost my job right before we got married, freelanced, went broke and never really paid the photographer very well. I did some trade work. I hope that she forgave me, I never forgave myself. So, to this day, I have never blown up more than one photo. I don't have a wedding album. I scanned my very favorites and started this ELABORATE booklet photo combo thingy that was going to go out to everyone and it would have a personalized thank you at the end. Wouldn't that be nice? Pics from the wedding, from the honeymoon, from whatever.
Yesterday, I unloaded the pictures from 3 Zip drives, and put it onto my current G4. I started posting some of the wedding pics. The rest are in the same exact drawer, in stacks, in the buffet, in the kitchen. This may be because I really am still on my honeymoon, and figure we got married a few weeks ago.
This now brings  us to tonight, when I was cleaning out the Giant Cupboard in the living room. I keep all my STATIONERY in there, for WRITING LETTERS, sending THANK YOU NOTES, and sending POSTCARDS. I have stickers and address lists and cards and filing systems. I haven't written a letter in Forever. I have a dear friend who has given me 250 pounds in art books, clothing, gift cards and things to sell online, but do you think I've written thank you notes to her and her mom??? No. I live on the Road Paved with Good Intentions. RIGHT UNDER A ROCK.
SO. I am going through the cupboard and cleaning up and organizing all These Things I Rarely Use but Think I Will, and I found a stack of thank you notes that Gene wrote because he thought my idea of the booklet thing was nice but it would take too long and let's keep it simple.
I thought they were mailed.
They were not. Some people have died since then.
Now you know. Let's hope confession is good for the soul.

Should I mail them?

Many Hats

Sometimes people have no idea how much you do in one day. Live and let live, okay?

Stuff I Think I Need

1. More space
2. A studio away from the house with other people around
3. A new Mac
4. Weight loss
5. More time at the park
6. Exercise
7. Friends
8. Sleep
9. Renewal
10. Money
11. A vacation away from the house, with the family

Taking My Self Seriously

How can I learn to see myself as an artist if I don't make much of it?
Is my purposeful, planned artwork somehow more valuable than  my freeform, unplanned work? 
Why do I need order so much? Why do I insist upon it to begin my own work? Will I ever be able to work from home?
Do I have ADD and that is it?
Why have I not continued with my art? Why does everything else seem to go first?

When Does the Fun Part Start?

Blogging is logging your feelings. Blathering + Logging, yes?
Today, my plan was to apply for a particular job and then wash the dishes. That would be a LOT of dishes, because we don't have hot water, so they get put off. To do them, we put a pot of water on the grill and haul it in. Gene did them all last weekend so I could get my work done on Etsy, something that took almost all week anyhow, and I hardly see any results.
Yet, I am not depressed, just kind of numb. Instead of accomplishing my plan, I finished cleaning Dakota's room. I started it awhile ago, left a pile, started again, left a pile. Got rid of the pile, decided to root through all their clothes and got rid of that pile, dragged out the ancient hard drive we will never hook up for them to use for school papers (do all parents think this will happen?), am going to part with the giant box of Hot Wheel tracks from 1969 and ran the vac. Found a few DSi games, and put his fan in since it  is going to be hot soon.
Dustin refereed 2 games and then stayed and played. He cleaned up his side and now has to vac. I told Desi to pick up everything because if we ever DID get a bedbug, they love clutter and floors. God forbid we ever get one, and the TV pics freak her out. The hallways was swept up to a point, and now I have to go through the Christmas stuff as well as Desi's clothing to see what we don't want. Good thing is, she is good at that now and does most of it herself.
So, I did not get to go work out and that means I did not take my shower, and the guys are not back from Mom's house and the party started 6 minutes ago.
There is always so much more to do. Will it ever end?

Delivery

This morning's reading stopped me in an unusual place, the second verse I read: "And the Lord said, Judah shall go up; behold, I have delivered the land into his hand."
I suspect it is an encouragement to me because it shows me a couple things. First, the Israelites asked God in verse one for wisdom and direction. That's good-- I do that. Then they got a direct answer that showed that God had it already planned out and that they were going to win. That's good too. Seems kind of simple. Maybe it rings true to me because I can win already too, if I just listen and let God lead me in the battle. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J29dDffqitk&feature=related

Okay, Here is the Real Deal

Figuring hardly anyone sees this or reads it, I am going to just tell you why I am up at 3:30 this morning. I am up often at 3:30, but am telling you my thoughts this day, since I figure I won't get back to sleep soon anyhow. I just have too much on my mind. I will be using the word "I" much more than you are supposed to, but I don't care. 

I went to the doc in January because I have a soreness by my larynx that is really bothering me. At the same time, I had some super drainage in my sinuses, so I got a zpack from the doc. It took care of a LITTLE of the drainage. In a few days, I lost my job. I called a week later and the doc ordered more antibiotics for me. I was into that for maybe three days, and got appendicitis, went into the hospital and was on THOSE antibiotics, and went home. The day I entered the hospital was my last day of benefits. 

A few weeks later, I went in to see the doc again because my throat really is bothering me and on top of that, I got some weird little round thing on my knee, right next to the cap. It was squishy, so he said it was a lipoma and it was in an unusual place, you usually get those on your arm or something. Now it is not so squishy, not as small, and it bothers me all the time. It puts pressure on the knee and hurts my whole leg. My throat still hurts too. Every day. He told me the second time that sometimes the infection from the swollen glands will flow into that area and it might take awhile for it to clear up. 

In the meantime, I staved off the electric and gas bills and got on a plan. The gas bill is due on Wednesday. The rest of the mortgage is due on Tuesday. Gene will get paid for a big job he did today. It will be in check form and we will JUST make it for the mortgage, Lord willing. I don't know how I will manage the gas yet. 

I was supposed to contact welfare right away to tell them not to cancel our food card because I just lost my job. I did contact them, but I had to get info to another worker. I had to get my hands on the paperwork she needed. This took awhile. I got it, and still have to fax it. I will likely fax it after I finish typing. It's almost 5 am. So, in any case, we have no money for food now. The church gave us lots of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff left in the freezer, but I do  have to come up with milk and eggs and fruits. We will survive, but I am not sure how Gene thinks we will get the corned beef and cabbage for Thursday. Electric will be due next Friday. I've not even looked at the water/sewer bill yet, and the state is sending all sorts of collectors to get our back taxes. The medical bills are coming in. I have to pay for my Cobra dental and send that in. 

My church let me be in charge of the website. I had been involved for years, but nothing ever happened after all we did. It was left with me last July, and until we had the miserable summer we did, and then I left to go work in the job I just lost, I had no time to work on it. This made me feel just awful. The website was just taken away from me, but now they need stuff I have to give them yet, so we are nearly in the same spot. 

I have a funeral to go to this morning. Went to a service for another friend last Thursday. Japan is a mess. My basement is a mess. I am working on finding room and pitching stuff from the basement. I am doing okay with it, but it is a big job I want out of the way asap so I can MAKE stuff to sell on my Ebay and Etsy stores so I can bring in money. I am also not sleeping well, obviously, and this makes me all crazy during the day and crabby sometimes as well as foggy in my thinking. Or imbalanced, or both. Then it makes it hard to lose weight, another issue that bugs me daily. I LOOK AWFUL and am unhealthy. That thing on my knee is not getting better with all the extra weight. 

Gene and I could really use some time to ourselves. We don't get many dates, and if we ever do, it is just a movie and then everyone is back. We don't get out of town. Haven't done that since 2006 when we went to Chicago. 

I have great kids. I want to spend better time with them. I worry about Gene Jr., who is so isolated. I wonder how Josh is, who is away on duty. I wonder how Crystal is and if we will ever hear from her or meet her two babies. 

I have tons of stuff at Mom's to go through and throw out, sell or move. 

Dakota is in testing for ADD. I worry I don't work enough with the kids and their school work. I have been successful in ignoring their rooms. 

That is enough off my mind for now. Thank you for reading. I have a lot more, but it is not coming to the surface at the moment, so that is good. 

Too much for too long makes you too crazy

Irritated Mom

I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice. 

Life These Days

I will use the word "I" several times here, and I know it.

Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.

New Logo

The Democratic Party revamped their logo. Funny they should unveil it on an ATM machine!

So, this is how it is

It's a gorgeous summer day, and not even 8 am. Gene just left for work, and the house is quiet except for the fans running. The kids are not stirring yet, but it won't be long before Dakota comes downstairs. We've had the longest stretch of hot and humid weather, so this is really pleasant, and there is even hope of cooling off the house, which was not happening, even at night.
SO-- I am almost overwhelmed, but not yet, at the list of things to do I have. I have a slight idea where to start, but after that, it does get over my head.
1. Blog. I am doing that now, while I drink my coffee, so I have to put that first. You could also call it Prioritizing, which people have told me to do my whole life, as if I did not know.
2. Take a walk. I have to lose 90 lbs. and we have good weather for it today. It will also help fend off depression.
3. Buy milk. (maybe during the walk, although I do not like the idea of lugging a jug, really). The kids will want milk for the cereal and we forgot to pick up more last night. (see, it is already getting confusing)
4. Shower. There's a no-brainer, unless I take the kids to the pool today, which would wreck my hair all over again.
5. Clean up room. I have a very small room. Gene and I each have a strip of space about 8 ft long and 2 feet wide to put all our stuff in. Yeah. Gotta pick up the books, papers, clothes and shoes that I had on the bed or in the wardrobe. I can go from perfectly clean to a mess in one day. I need some order in here to feel good about Me and to get dressed decently enough. Usually I don't care, but I am making an effort.
6. Oops-- Quiet Time. This ought to have come before blogging, but it's too late now. I will take this list before God one way or another. I need His guidance and strength.

Now I have to stop the numbering. Here's what else goes through my mind:
-- pay insurance TODAY. Last chance. I can do that over the phone
-- deal with giant water bill. How, I do not know. It is only big because we have not paid it.
-- be a mom. That means I don't really feel GOOD about doing all I have to do and letting them do nothing all day. I want the kids to get out and to the park and creeks and not sit in the house all day. What is it with kids that makes them forget to move? Anyhow, I need to interact with them instead of always worrying about all this stuff. i think. We do need water and lights.
-- a tree branch came down last weekend and no one has attempted to do anything with it. Gene has been working, so he has not had time. Today I am assigning the Boy Scouts, the college graduate and the girl to use Saws and stack wood. That will get them moving.
-- laundry. I have to do laundry. I have to get after the kids to do theirs as well.
-- their rooms. Not a priority right now, but they need to pick up at least while it is not 100 degrees up there.
-- school work. Yes, we are supposed to be getting ready and doing drills. I have only had 4 days of school work so far, about 3 weeks behind usual.
-- OH, YEAH, A JOB!!!!! I NEED A JOB AND HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR ONE or TWO ASAP!!!
-- MORTGAGE PAPERS!!! THE BANK NEEDS ME TO WORK ON PAPERWORK FOR THEM SO WE DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE!
-- ART SALE AND GARAGE SALE. Yes, we are having a big art/yard sale/party on August 14 and I need to make stuff!!!
--Design the church website.
-- Ebay and Etsy. I have so much to set up and sell. And make.
-- gardens. Ack, if we have people over on the 14th, how bad will my yard look? This year I have spent less time in my yard/garden than EVER. It looks soooo sad. I am sure there are beans waiting to be picked, too. Not one sunflower. Sigh. The bushes in the front garden look like Don King's hair. So embarrassed.
-- Bathroom. The kids all have assignments. Phew.

I need more coffee.

Water Day

Took the two little ones to the river today and we walked a long way upstream. Kota loves to get into the current and float. MOST of the river was about an inch or two (or LESS)deep, except for the few waist-high places Dakota was in. They were VERY fascinated to find that clay is in the riverbank. They spent some time in the perfectly gray stuff and brought home a handful each. On the way home we stopped at Buttermilk Falls, and they easily walked down into the same pool we used to get into at the bottom of the falls. I love that they have no hesitation and don't mind getting dirty. When we got home, of course, they wanted to go the pool!

I need big water

Photo by Mary Williams

That Wheel

Sometimes I wonder when I will ever change.

Freaking OUT! AGAIN!

OH, I am SOL on so many levels. And I hardly ever use that term. I feel sick and nervous and awful. Going home to get my camera to shoot a pile of Ebay. Wish I did not have to stay there for homework and such. Need to make money and quick. SOOOOOOOOOO Sick of living this way!

Online Portfolio, At Last

view my portfolio:
coroflot.com/dingerart

Feeling better

Thank you to anyone who responded to my dark days. The prayers (along with other things that I will write about later) have helped so much. I have a lot to do yet to resolve things, but for now, I am out of the shadows.

Boo

I am having a dark Halloween. I am as depressed as I've been in a long time, due to financial strain and lonliness. It is a gorgeous, warm day, I have a cute little kid around and my beagle and cat, but very little hope about money. I have not been able to earn or work much, and neither has my husband. I am at the end of my rope. In the past, I've been very creative and I rarely give up hope on what could come around the corner, but at this moment, I feel hopeless, sad, angry, dismal, depressed and lifeless.

Blah

I hate being sore and tired unless it is from a good workout.
I hate violent tv, even slightly violent and being stuck with no where in the house to escape from it.

I Suppose I am a Meany

We have a small house with 4 kids in it, 2 adults, the belongings of our adult child, who moved to another city, a workshop, the contents of an art studio and an office, besides the normal bathroom (only 1), bedrooms, kitchen (no cupboards) and ancient garage (1-car, no door). If we don't keep things in place, or at least in the general areas they need to be, it becomes hard to get around, get dressed, and even harder to find anything.
The 3 youngest children came from a home where there was simply no order or cleanliness. Since they've been gone from their mom only 16 months, I think a sense of disorder gives them a sense of "home" that they subconsciously cling to. Plus, they are kids.
Recently, we reconfigured their rooms so there would be a place to put everything. On the youngest's drawers, we even labeled what ought to go into each one. He likes that a lot. He's become much better at making his bed. They even have their own laundry bags and do their own laundry at times.
The oldest is usually blind to any room issues. He can claim that he "never knew!" he was supposed to pick all that stuff [sister's shoes, his socks, brother's sandals, wee cars] up off the floor! What??? No one told him! No one told him he would have to put his clothes into a bag or basket and not scatter them all over once ready for cleaning. Poor, uninformed kid! Of course, I told him this many times, nicely, yelling, writing it down, but he is woefully uninformed.
The little girl just arranges things, which I totally understand, since I did that myself as a child, and truly thought this was the correct thing to do. It was unbelievably time-consuming, but it was also satisfying and developed my sense of design. I "cleaned" my room for hours. It was never done, and is not to this day. She still has to do the job, and no doubt does the usual tricks like jamming all her clean clothes into the laundry room as "storage," and shoving stuff under her bed, "forgetting" the stuff jammed in at the headboard, etc.
The worst part of this is that after I try to get them to make their beds before they leave for school, which they generally do, I ask them to pick up before they go to bed- well before they go to bed, like at least an hour. This is where they go deaf and I have amnesia. When it's time to tuck in, be sweet, give backrubs and kisses, read stories or say prayers to these guys, it's more like they get a visit from their worst nightmare. I am shocked that there are socks under the bed, clothing left right where it left their hands, games just where they were 3 hours ago and that the little angels have not been getting PJs on as I so foolishly imagined, but are huddled around a Gameboy [illegal! illegal! illegal!] behind someone's bed, in full daytime dress, maybe minus shoes and socks, with hip-hop playing in the background. I have no power after dinner, except for my voice, I guess, as well as my talent for hiding the DS in a new spot (my favorite being in their own room) while they endure a time without it as consequence.
I just hate yelling at them right before bed. "What were you thinking???!!!!! How could you think this is what I meant by cleaning your room??? I love you sleep good see you in the morning." Good thing they get amnesia overnight.

Get Three-Dimensional

For the most part, we have boys in the house. For my first three kids, there were two boys and one girl; same for the second set. Inevitably, the boys get hooked on screens of any kind. This melts their brain cells at a young age (7-12) and then it levels off to basically All They Do at an older age. Our 21-year-old got to the point where he could sit in his room and discuss important matters with Many People Around the World (as if this would impress me), listen to tunes, blog, write stories and do his homework, all at one time. He could be in there for hours, and I usually called him down for dinner, when he ate, by IM-ing him.
My husband was drawn into the video game when he was a teen, when all there was was Pac Man and stuff like that. When I bought my house in 1996, it came with an old Atari system, so he and his two boys would sit there and ignore the nice weather, the rest of the house, the state of the nation, etc. Fortunately for me, as the Systems in our house improved to Nintendo, PS2, XBox, etc., the games were too hard to play with against our son, and were no fun, and I got my husband back!
College came, and the Systems got moved to college, then sent back for the next set of boys. Boys usually come with More Boys. Red carpets were laid out, announcements were made and the almighty Halo game came in during a school break. I had a fit, and it left.
Today is Sunday. I am sick today (which is how so many posts have gone up today) and since the rest of the family endured a 2-hour adventist service yesterday, we missed our service, as well as a picnic after church. The 8-year old got a DS for his bd yesterday, so the day was started with that, then the on-TV Spiderman game, then onto online games as well as XBox games in the living room. Add the fact that the 12th grader had an overnight guest (another 12th grader) over to play games and they were up to 4 am. They just want food, space and electricity. But they share their games, tips, laughs, space, food and electricity with the young boys and the husband. It is a male bonding free-for-all and I just go to my room for a read and a nap.
It is now 4:23. I kicked the younger boys OFF ANYTHING at 3:00 and told them to go outside. Do anything, take a walk, eat out there, go to a friends, throw a ball, chalk on the sidewalk. You would think they were thrown in a trunk to die. Their faces are crumpled into 3-pouts-in-one and their arms are crossed. "There's nothing to do!" they cry. The older boys I let go. They are nearly adults, and they are not dependent on this for fun; they just like it. The cool thing is, since they are not dependent, they've given up their screens and are outside throwing the ball around now, while I am on my screen, next to my husband, who is on the XBox.

Have You Taken A Walk Today?

Harvest Time Although We City Slickers Ain't Farmers

I like this picture. Is he going to buy one pear and one apple? Will he share it with is sister with the cool socks?Does she already have some? What about that corn?

Yeah, We're Artists

We were in University Circle a few weeks ago, at the Chalkfest. I like how these guys let me drag them all over to do non-screen related activities.
We made some fun pictures and we hope to do it again next year.

Places like this (one of the gardens at the Cleveland Museum of Art) are so beautiful, and when you grow up around them, you can take them for granted. I think it is important to make some of these areas "home" to the kids. When they are older, I assume they will seek out beauty. I hope so. Beauty makes a whole lot of difference in our lives, and I think it is good to surround ourselves in it whenever possible. There is plenty of the opposite in our faces all the time, so we have to "stock up," I think.

Time to revise the blog

I will be messing around with this, so it will look like a mess for awhile...

Sigh. It's Almost Over

The last day for the pool was Monday. We stayed all day and I got myself a sunburn. We don't usually show up at the pool until after 2:00, but that day it was 12:40 - 5:00. It was great, sunny, warm and they used up all the chairs by 2:30.
Today was the second day of Home Days. We went for a preview last night, but it was pretty drizzly and not many were there. Today, it was gorgeous. I let the kids ride one ride each and they bought a water, but that is it. I would love to splurge on $15 wristbands, but not this year. We had a nice time regardless.

Yes! She IS the cutest thing!!!

No, I don't know her, but her parents have posted this on her blog.

August

I almost always start to get panicked and almost down in August. I HAVE to get to the beach. I did get there a couple weeks ago, but I need MORE. Today won't be the day, but I plan on getting to the pool the moment it opens... School starts in a week!

"Sometimes, I Just Don't Get It," or "When Does it Get Better," or "Good Time to Write a Gratitude List"

The other title for this post would be, if I did not compare my problems with the rest of the world, My Life is Really Sucking at the Moment. And it really could be worse.
But right now, I am wondering what I do with my life and why I bother.
First of all, all I do is work, and that is all my husband does as well. Yet, we hardly have any payoff but our survival. Surviving is important, no doubt, but to live this way for so long is a big drag.
I am moved to write this because it is 10:25 pm, I missed my shower today, took all three kids to the counselor's, but worked with Dakota and Dustin because it was Destiny's turn. Dakota was awful while working with the homework packet, whining, practically eating his feet as he tied up in knots, itching and whining and pouting because he could not remember how to read some words off his word list. When I tell him he's given me the wrong word, he insists I have it wrong. We got through it, and I did not let him make me stop with the homework, but it was no fun.
Dustin has been working on math all year, and even though we go over 3 x6 = 18 over and over, he still cannot seem to remember it. This has been months just on a few math facts. I don't know what to do about it.
Destiny leaves half her stuff at her friend's house, where we have to track it down. She's picked up a weird laugh and is in her little animal world way too much for a girl her age in my opinion. I let her go to her friend's a lot because I used to play with my pals all day too, and it is better than sitting in the house.
Everyone always wants to get on the computer, all the time. This does not happen.
I get asked if they can play PS2 every day, all day. I make them wait until after dinner for the most part.
I've not been to the beach yet. Gas is too much. But we will likely go soon. We get to the pool at least a few times a week, but the pool has lost a lot of the magic for me that it used to have, sad to say. I cannot put my finger on what made the change. I think it may have something to do with what I need in my chakras. I don't need water as much as I used to. I have enough change in life.
We got to the park a few times. Never got back to check for berries. They were not ready when I did go, now it will be too late.
Gene is working his tail off, and continues to have a fantastic attitude. He is a great husband.
My sister needs tons of help as she is taking on more changes in a few weeks than most people will in a few years.
My church is run by a few people who are holding on to a dream that is more of an idol than God's will. They let a good pastor go in exchange for more control or chaos or whatever. In any case, I have no fellowship there in a formal way, but at least one-on-one with a few. Nothing too in-depth, so I can go unnoticed forever. The split in the services was the beginning of the end.
Mom is a fantastic support, as are my sibs. I miss seeing them.
I am tired. I spent most of the day in the basement, after coming back from counseling and feeding them lunch. I used to have what I called a studio, but now it is storage that imitates studio. I have several boxes and shelves of paper and books and mags and whatever. I have this idea I will go thru them, but never do. I also have a studio at Mom's and nowhere to go with it. I accomplish nearly nothing in those areas, because I am cleaning house.
Since I spent all day down in the basement, the dishes that started to pile up last night, after I made dinner, piled up more. It occurs to no one to help. Of course, I am referring to No One. The little kids will help when I ask, but the big kids don't even notice the mess. I don't know why anyone has to be told to do the dishes so I can go on with other things. Gene used to help me but now he is gone to work all day and all night.
Every piece of clothing in the house needs to be washed as well, but I can hardly move in the laundry room. I made the place so nice and now I am stuck with a mattress and box spring that has cluttered it up for weeks-- I can't stand it!!
Gene Jr. moved from a house to an apartment this weekend, so we got rid of One Dresser, One Computer Desk, One Entertainment Center and One Bed. The rest of his stuff is in half the closet and lines the hallway. The hallway that Yogi just peed in, at 10:15 pm, when I am so exhausted. The hallway leading to the kids' room, which contains piles and piles of junk that they have nowhere to put, patched up floor rugs, a huge tv just sitting there and Destiny's bed, which she peed on this morning and yet, did nothing to clean it up until I was tucking her in.
This just makes my day.
Then, as I am stressing out over that, the 17-year old, who stayed up all night playing some sort of game on the computer, announces to me that the dog has peed, and excuses himself to go take a run, walking over me as I am trying to wash all this up, running past the pile of dishes and the laundry which could now go downstairs. He also went to work most of the day and came home early, only to not get any extra sleep except on the couch a bit.
I am just exhausted.
I TOOK the dog out, btw. He is afraid to come out sometimes, and I could not force him. Next time, I will put on his collar and pull him out. Believe me, he will be blocked out of my bedroom tonight, because I have to be the one to get up when he scratches and pounds on our door at 4:30 am to go out or get a drink of water. I cannot take this any more. Gene sleeps through it. I wish I could.
Dakota's skin is getting bad, and I have to take him in to the doctor's, but don't even know where the info is.
Gene's desk is piled over my head with papers to file and bills we ignore. I am not even sure what is to be shut off next or when.
I am overwhelmed. And so tired. I do nearly nothing for myself and have hardly any fun.
I don't know how to make things better. I try and try so hard, all day every day and it never seems to change, ever.
So is this what my life is now? Just a maid for young people who want to play? I think when you are under 12, you OUGHT to be able to play. But they have their jobs and they do them with my help. I cannot just have them "do" them, because they are only learning, so it is still work for me to supervise.
Anyhow, I hope tomorrow is better. This is a total drag.

The Lies that Bind You

I have a big problem: I love to read. I am curious about (it seems) everything. The bigger problem is that I don't really have time to read all that much, so I save it for "another time." This "time" in my mind is the lie. As long as I choose to believe it, I keep magazines, newspaper articles, books. For a long time. Years. Since I was not paying attention to my reading while in Middle School (over 30 years ago now) or perhaps, I felt I should have retained the information, I even have my Jr. Scholastic magazines. They are so cool!! Things about how 18-year olds will vote, cool ads with that early 70s flavor, articles about countries that no longer exist as they did back then. At this point, the collection may land me some change via Ebay, but really! I know I kept them to read them, but now I just don't want to part with them.
Then, I have a year's sub to Ceramics Monthly. I've not thrown clay or mixed a glaze since 1980, but they are here in my basement. And the year I decided I would paint and enter shows, I got American Artist. Still here, 18 years later. No surprise.
Dad passed onto me his Smithsonians. Those are so pretty! A whole article about turquoise and turquoise jewelry. Can I miss that? I have so far. Same with Kachina dolls and Matisse paintings. Then we have those great offers from Better Homes and Gardens, which only charged $12.00 per year. Endless articles on gardens and cooking and decorating, all my interests. What if I need an article on interesting sandwiches? It is more likely I will look it up on the net or ask someone.
I used to get the paper at home, which is a total fire hazard! I will skim thru, find at least one article I want to "spend more time on," and then fold that page up and think I will get to it later. Since that does not happen, the whole stack of pages, which is harmless enough, gets filed to read later. And after that, several stacks follow until a large pile deserves... A Box.
We don't dare get a paper at home any more.
There are others like me out there. I know at least four others who had or have the same issues. Three of them worked with me at, guess where: A magazine publishing company.
So, today, I went thru a few things. Did not read-- no time for that-- but I did notice the dates on some of those mags. If I ever decide to pitch them, I will be sure to sign up for a new subscription, and start over.

Aboard the Goodtime III

These guys definitely like being on the water, in the wind. It was a gorgeous night.

Thoughts upon finishing my 50th year

Yes, finishing (on my birthday, 50 years will have been completed), I see the same old problems I had half a life ago, mostly having to do with discipline.
And memory, short-term, that is. This week I forgot to do at least two things I rarely forget: one appointment and one commitment to help someone. These two things did not even cross my mind. I ended up pulling weeds and watching a classic movie during one, and going to the movies and pool during the other.
Other than that, I am tired. I started being a mom just last year. I did my stepmom stint starting 8 years ago. I had a hard time being disciplined and organized (note: I KNOW how to organize, but it takes time to DO IT) before kids, now it is nothing but a dream-- or a nightmare.
I've lost myself, or lost track of myself, somewhere. I don't know how I can possibly be a good example or role model for these creatures, but they still seem to like me, and even love me regardless.

Life

Life swings from one extreme to another for me, maybe for you? On one hand, we go on trips to the park and see beautiful things, do fun stuff like go on the Goodtime III, pick berries, swim a lot, etc. On the other hand, I get so tired of piles of dishes & laundry, wake up with headaches, am way in debt, way overweight, out of touch with friends too much. I am glad I don't wait for perfect conditions to get out and do those fun things. I am going to complete year 50 in less than a month, and I feel slightly old. I think the kids keep me young.

David Gilmour

This is what i look like under all my baggy clothes

My bedroom looks like that, too.
Actually, that is Rita Hayworth, with Nan Wynn on vocals.
From You Were Never Lovelier (1942).

I like this

The Moon and The Stars 3 by *natasha-cinnamon on deviantART

We Love Warm Weather

Our first day of getting out for vacation.

Spring has Sprung

In the 10 years I've lived in my house, I've never seen a toad in my yard. Yet, Destiny, our indigo child, found one the other day. I hadn't seen her in several minutes, so I looked behind the garage, and found her crouched down near the woodpile. She turned to look at me and quietly informed me that she and the toad were communicating. I am sure they were.

Have you ever seen them?

St. Pat's

Buttermilk Falls after heavy rain

The sound was fantastic.

Kota-man @ Buttermilk Falls

Sunset Pond

Rat Maze

Everywhere I go in the house, I turn on lights, even in the daytime, even in the lights are already on. I just cannot seem to find enough light. I need to go to Florida, and soon. I wear the same gray hoodie around, since it is warm, but it only serves to make my day grayer. My studio is in the basement, and the basement is loaded with stuff already, including my husband's office, where I can hear video game shooting, if he is relaxing. NOT relaxing to me. I need space! The living room is small, the kitchen is busy, my dressing room is cramped and has yellow wallpaper, which I hate. There are not enough windows. No place has enough windows for me. Spring cannot come soon enough. I try not to complain, but I do have my limits, especially on days I don't feel so good, like this week.
It will get better.

Why I Love to Sing

How did I miss this in December?

We'd never get this nowadays

Back in 1964, especially if you grew up in England, you would find this hilarious, which it is.. If any pop group performed Shakespeare today, people would figure it was a "Promote Reading and the Arts" show. I don't sense that U. S. youth are familiar with the arts so much today, especially theater. Enjoy the Fab Four in a section of Act V Scene I of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which the Rude Mechanicals present their play of Pyramus and Thisbe at the wedding of Theseus and Hippolyta.

Happy Christmas!

Okay, everyone is out of school now. Des just came home with tons of gifts from school, including monkey sox and kitty slippers. The college kid is home and visiting with his best buddy. I get to go out to Lola tonight with my mom and siblings, a great and special break! Tomorrow I still have to shop for Gene Sr. and Jr., and had better get a Clarisse for Destiny or I will be in trouble.
The big news in my book is that our daughter and her husband (both in the Air Force) are expecting!
Best wishes to all. We've had a blessed year.

Random random random random insanity

Ack. My beagle is acking. He was sleeping a minute ago. He is 10 and he is happiness, just as Charles Schultz said. I think that is because beagles are so simple and loving.
He had to go out. The wind is so strong, it slammed the door. The wind chill is making the 24 degrees feel like 10. The sky is a deep navy gray, and the shocking white clouds before them are moving fast. The moon is hanging sideways in its last quarter and looks so strange and bright. Now the little guy is asleep on my bed.
I just talked to a couple I met on the radio a few years back, Fred and Jill. They are so fun and kind and loving, and they play good music. I miss people like that in my life -- I used to have lots of them. Anyhow, I just won a certificate to a restaurant, here at 11:30 pm. It was great talking to them. I feel like it is so rare to be in touch with people like that. Now Gene and I will have another place for a date night, if we can ever find a babysitter. Twenty more minutes and I wake him up to sit shotgun in the plow truck. They are playing the Traveling Willburys, one of my favorite groups ever.
The dishes will wait until tomorrow. I made a crummy dinner tonight and don't want to be around the dishes. A couple people liked it.
My studio waits.
The house looks nice inside, to me, at least, except for my room and the basement.
I started writing out Christmas cards today. We actually have new friends (or acquaintances) now since the kids came around, so I had a few more than usual.
We have an interim pastor, and I like him and his wife.
I am in choir.
Still no regular exercise. Still hate myself every morning around 4 am when my back hurts from all the extra weight and lack of exercise.
The kids went wacky tonight when they were running the Corvette into things (and each other) in the living room. Lots of screams. I stayed out of the way while I cooked my crummy dinner.
This week is doctor week. Tuesday is the plastic surgeon for Dakota, and I will cancel the Wednesday asthma test for now. Thursday they all go to counseling. Friday Kota gets rechecked for his skin issues. I am tired already.
Our college student has to go to jury duty all week. Tomorrow he has to get downtown by 7:50. Wear a hat!
I want to rip the wallpaper down in this room. I hate it.
Tomorrow I make a roast.

Christmas Month

The kids got gifts on the first of October. We were going to wait until Christmas, but decided to open them the day after Thanksgiving. Destiny got a Barbie tea set, Dustin got Brown's stickers, banner, etc. and Dakota got this awesome red truck that came with bling. It was funny. That weekend made us decide we would stretch out the season and not make everything about Christmas morning gifts. Last weekend we went to an event for families who are "kinship" families. It was put on by the county and was very well organized. Just walking in they got Shrek puzzles, scribblers and candy. The tables were all named after some Christmas thing, like Donner, Blizten, Frosty, etc. Around the outside of the huge room we were in were stations for face painting, beading, golf, beanbag toss and coloring. The "parents" sat on the inside and munched on snacks and met others while the DJ led people in line dancing, kareoke and Christmas trivia games. Santa was at the top of the steps and we got free photos, very nice ones, too. After our free lunch, as many kids as possible posed for a group photo to be sent to Jerry Springer, as he donated a great deal to the party. They held a thank you banner that everyone signed. After awhile, gifts were given out. Dustin got a huge yellow remote control Corvette, McDonald money, a basketball, 5 Hot Wheels, and tons of candy. Destiny got a Hello Kitty sticker/stamp book. Dakota got Spiderman dune buggy, Spiderman/Black Venom walkie-talkies, a Lego set and tons of candy. Destiny did not fall apart for getting less than her brothers! They enjoyed these things all week, too. Today, we went to another kinship event, and the set up was similar, with the kids on the outside making things and the adults sitting down. This one was a potluck. A woman from the Cleveland Public Library spoke and she was a great speaker! She was a preacher for the system, I swear. Very entertaining. Then we had a workshop on capturing your memories of your family and past, as well as looking at your family tree. I loved hearing these elderly Black women's stories. One woman and her sister were raised with two white sisters in New Orleans, and she shared how they were raised to be orderly and obedient. She ended up going to school to be an educator, and was happy to get out of the way when she met up with the attitudes of children today.
We also sang some songs, the kids saw Santa and got a free book of their choice. They handed us a bag of gifts when we walked out to the lobby. The gifts were unbelievable! Dustin got a tank, army men, a nighttime spy cam, a camera, a Marines cap & fatigues. Dakota got two more Spiderman figures. Destiny got what she was hoping for, Littlest Pet Shop pets! LOTS of them. She could not be happier.
By this time, it was getting snowy. We went to yet another party, and this one was Scottish. My mom managed to save us a table. The Heather Belles danced, as well as the Jenny May Dancers. We had plenty to eat and Santa was led in and out by the bagpipes. Dustin got a Quizzer, Dakota got a Magnadoodle and Destiny got beading. We were all so tired and went home and played. Actually, I went to bed for a nap. It was GREAT.
So, we are loaded with gifts for the kids. This includes the slippers I bought them all with the Target gift card someone gave us annonymously and the dinosaurs their mom bought them yesterday at the mall.
We are so blown away with everyone's generosity. BLOWN AWAY! God is comforting us so much by how others are reaching out to make sure the kids are taken care of. We look forward to a lifetime of paying it forward...

Blah

I am tired. I woke up at 5 something, did some email stuff and then returned to bed at 7, after I tuned in the tv to cartoons. The kids found them a couple minutes later, Gene got up and got breakfast going and I got 2 hours of additional sleep.
The kids get into a daze when they watch tv, so it is good we hardly let them see it. Before they came, they watched it in their own rooms, and had cable. In any case, I started my day extra late then, and was behind the rest of the time. I just finally got laundry in and it is almost 9 pm. Got lots of other things done, though. Went to a craft show, one of the bigger ones in the area, and it was all about the snowmen. They were everywhere, on sleds, in buckets, hanging from trees, standing next to trees, holding lights, etc.
I finally pulled out Tip-It, from under my bed. I have the same version I played in the 60s and the kids loved it. They made sounds and laughs that would have delighted toymakers. Dustin won all 3 games. It was a good game to help them learn to observe (which peg is heaviest, which can use some discs), be careful and count.
We are painting the living room for the first time in 10 years. Gene re-did the window frames.
That is all for now.

TV is so boring

Especially when you only have a few channels. It's not a big deal-- I have plenty to do, but now and then like to sit there and flip my um... (3 in good weather-5-if I move the rabbit ears-8-19-maybe 25, 43, and if I am in the mood for Spanish, 61) SEVEN stations. The bummer is, everywhere you look during the day are 1. Commercials to sue Someone Responsible For You Being Home At This Hour, 2. Commercials to get you to go to chef school, medical terminology school, electronics school or to some cheap college so you can get further in your loser life, 3. Commercials for CHEAP car insurance so you can drive to these places (and hope you don't have to use #1.), 4. STUPID FAKE COURT SHOWS, 5. Ladies-Who-Scream-in-the-Audience Shows (like the View or Martha or Oprah), 6. Shows that reveal weird or scary or sad things, like Jerry, Montel, Oprah, etc.). I can skip all these since I have plenty going on during the day...
At night, you have only two choices: 1: Reality TV, mostly with some competition where you have to phone in a vote, or 2: Dead Bodies on Metal Tables being poked, zoomed in on, argued over, shaved, rolled out, or something. Usually, this is accompanied by cool dance club music and lights that are cool and pretty. The people doing this work are always very gorgeous and witty and intelligent.
I am sick of TV.

It's a Colorful Life

I got to raise my stepson from the time he was 13, but now I am getting the chance I missed to be a full time mom to little ones.
I just tucked in all three kids and am back down on this floor, piled with laundry to sort, dishes to wash, papers to put away-- all the stuff you see in houses with families with kids. There is even a ball in the driveway and a bike only half in the garage. The light was left on in the bathroom again, and there are tub toys on the edge of the tub. Our house is small and in many places, unfinished. When we leave one thing out of place, you can tell. We need kitchen cupboards and counters, a new floor, new windows, carpeting, paint, and all sorts of things, but whatever. The cool thing is seeing a little boy peer out the window of the bus each day, happy to see someone is waiting for him. Then I get to hear his report, which is usually, "HAPPY!" then walking home with his little hand in mine, hearing all his stories while he jumps along. Then there are more cool things like hearing the little girl singing in the while steering the red car of the grocery cart-- she makes up all the tunes and words, and they are beautiful. Then watching the oldest child run out and play football for the first time in his life is awesome. He plays hard and never gives up. These kids are neat because they basically get along. They really look out for each other and share a lot. When one buys something at the dimestore, it is always in threes. They have feelings and they show them. They are curious and they ask. They have fun and sleep well. It does not bother me that they are not "mine" and that I was nearly 49 when they moved in. This is a dream life for me and my husband, and I hope the kids will feel that way about it too.

Me and Color

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! Pretty simple, but rather accurate... Click here to read the rest of the results.