http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J29dDffqitk&feature=related

Okay, Here is the Real Deal

Figuring hardly anyone sees this or reads it, I am going to just tell you why I am up at 3:30 this morning. I am up often at 3:30, but am telling you my thoughts this day, since I figure I won't get back to sleep soon anyhow. I just have too much on my mind. I will be using the word "I" much more than you are supposed to, but I don't care. 

I went to the doc in January because I have a soreness by my larynx that is really bothering me. At the same time, I had some super drainage in my sinuses, so I got a zpack from the doc. It took care of a LITTLE of the drainage. In a few days, I lost my job. I called a week later and the doc ordered more antibiotics for me. I was into that for maybe three days, and got appendicitis, went into the hospital and was on THOSE antibiotics, and went home. The day I entered the hospital was my last day of benefits. 

A few weeks later, I went in to see the doc again because my throat really is bothering me and on top of that, I got some weird little round thing on my knee, right next to the cap. It was squishy, so he said it was a lipoma and it was in an unusual place, you usually get those on your arm or something. Now it is not so squishy, not as small, and it bothers me all the time. It puts pressure on the knee and hurts my whole leg. My throat still hurts too. Every day. He told me the second time that sometimes the infection from the swollen glands will flow into that area and it might take awhile for it to clear up. 

In the meantime, I staved off the electric and gas bills and got on a plan. The gas bill is due on Wednesday. The rest of the mortgage is due on Tuesday. Gene will get paid for a big job he did today. It will be in check form and we will JUST make it for the mortgage, Lord willing. I don't know how I will manage the gas yet. 

I was supposed to contact welfare right away to tell them not to cancel our food card because I just lost my job. I did contact them, but I had to get info to another worker. I had to get my hands on the paperwork she needed. This took awhile. I got it, and still have to fax it. I will likely fax it after I finish typing. It's almost 5 am. So, in any case, we have no money for food now. The church gave us lots of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff left in the freezer, but I do  have to come up with milk and eggs and fruits. We will survive, but I am not sure how Gene thinks we will get the corned beef and cabbage for Thursday. Electric will be due next Friday. I've not even looked at the water/sewer bill yet, and the state is sending all sorts of collectors to get our back taxes. The medical bills are coming in. I have to pay for my Cobra dental and send that in. 

My church let me be in charge of the website. I had been involved for years, but nothing ever happened after all we did. It was left with me last July, and until we had the miserable summer we did, and then I left to go work in the job I just lost, I had no time to work on it. This made me feel just awful. The website was just taken away from me, but now they need stuff I have to give them yet, so we are nearly in the same spot. 

I have a funeral to go to this morning. Went to a service for another friend last Thursday. Japan is a mess. My basement is a mess. I am working on finding room and pitching stuff from the basement. I am doing okay with it, but it is a big job I want out of the way asap so I can MAKE stuff to sell on my Ebay and Etsy stores so I can bring in money. I am also not sleeping well, obviously, and this makes me all crazy during the day and crabby sometimes as well as foggy in my thinking. Or imbalanced, or both. Then it makes it hard to lose weight, another issue that bugs me daily. I LOOK AWFUL and am unhealthy. That thing on my knee is not getting better with all the extra weight. 

Gene and I could really use some time to ourselves. We don't get many dates, and if we ever do, it is just a movie and then everyone is back. We don't get out of town. Haven't done that since 2006 when we went to Chicago. 

I have great kids. I want to spend better time with them. I worry about Gene Jr., who is so isolated. I wonder how Josh is, who is away on duty. I wonder how Crystal is and if we will ever hear from her or meet her two babies. 

I have tons of stuff at Mom's to go through and throw out, sell or move. 

Dakota is in testing for ADD. I worry I don't work enough with the kids and their school work. I have been successful in ignoring their rooms. 

That is enough off my mind for now. Thank you for reading. I have a lot more, but it is not coming to the surface at the moment, so that is good. 

Too much for too long makes you too crazy

Irritated Mom

I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice. 

Life These Days

I will use the word "I" several times here, and I know it.

Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.

New Logo

The Democratic Party revamped their logo. Funny they should unveil it on an ATM machine!

So, this is how it is

It's a gorgeous summer day, and not even 8 am. Gene just left for work, and the house is quiet except for the fans running. The kids are not stirring yet, but it won't be long before Dakota comes downstairs. We've had the longest stretch of hot and humid weather, so this is really pleasant, and there is even hope of cooling off the house, which was not happening, even at night.
SO-- I am almost overwhelmed, but not yet, at the list of things to do I have. I have a slight idea where to start, but after that, it does get over my head.
1. Blog. I am doing that now, while I drink my coffee, so I have to put that first. You could also call it Prioritizing, which people have told me to do my whole life, as if I did not know.
2. Take a walk. I have to lose 90 lbs. and we have good weather for it today. It will also help fend off depression.
3. Buy milk. (maybe during the walk, although I do not like the idea of lugging a jug, really). The kids will want milk for the cereal and we forgot to pick up more last night. (see, it is already getting confusing)
4. Shower. There's a no-brainer, unless I take the kids to the pool today, which would wreck my hair all over again.
5. Clean up room. I have a very small room. Gene and I each have a strip of space about 8 ft long and 2 feet wide to put all our stuff in. Yeah. Gotta pick up the books, papers, clothes and shoes that I had on the bed or in the wardrobe. I can go from perfectly clean to a mess in one day. I need some order in here to feel good about Me and to get dressed decently enough. Usually I don't care, but I am making an effort.
6. Oops-- Quiet Time. This ought to have come before blogging, but it's too late now. I will take this list before God one way or another. I need His guidance and strength.

Now I have to stop the numbering. Here's what else goes through my mind:
-- pay insurance TODAY. Last chance. I can do that over the phone
-- deal with giant water bill. How, I do not know. It is only big because we have not paid it.
-- be a mom. That means I don't really feel GOOD about doing all I have to do and letting them do nothing all day. I want the kids to get out and to the park and creeks and not sit in the house all day. What is it with kids that makes them forget to move? Anyhow, I need to interact with them instead of always worrying about all this stuff. i think. We do need water and lights.
-- a tree branch came down last weekend and no one has attempted to do anything with it. Gene has been working, so he has not had time. Today I am assigning the Boy Scouts, the college graduate and the girl to use Saws and stack wood. That will get them moving.
-- laundry. I have to do laundry. I have to get after the kids to do theirs as well.
-- their rooms. Not a priority right now, but they need to pick up at least while it is not 100 degrees up there.
-- school work. Yes, we are supposed to be getting ready and doing drills. I have only had 4 days of school work so far, about 3 weeks behind usual.
-- OH, YEAH, A JOB!!!!! I NEED A JOB AND HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR ONE or TWO ASAP!!!
-- MORTGAGE PAPERS!!! THE BANK NEEDS ME TO WORK ON PAPERWORK FOR THEM SO WE DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE!
-- ART SALE AND GARAGE SALE. Yes, we are having a big art/yard sale/party on August 14 and I need to make stuff!!!
--Design the church website.
-- Ebay and Etsy. I have so much to set up and sell. And make.
-- gardens. Ack, if we have people over on the 14th, how bad will my yard look? This year I have spent less time in my yard/garden than EVER. It looks soooo sad. I am sure there are beans waiting to be picked, too. Not one sunflower. Sigh. The bushes in the front garden look like Don King's hair. So embarrassed.
-- Bathroom. The kids all have assignments. Phew.

I need more coffee.

Water Day

Took the two little ones to the river today and we walked a long way upstream. Kota loves to get into the current and float. MOST of the river was about an inch or two (or LESS)deep, except for the few waist-high places Dakota was in. They were VERY fascinated to find that clay is in the riverbank. They spent some time in the perfectly gray stuff and brought home a handful each. On the way home we stopped at Buttermilk Falls, and they easily walked down into the same pool we used to get into at the bottom of the falls. I love that they have no hesitation and don't mind getting dirty. When we got home, of course, they wanted to go the pool!

I need big water

Photo by Mary Williams

That Wheel

Sometimes I wonder when I will ever change.

Freaking OUT! AGAIN!

OH, I am SOL on so many levels. And I hardly ever use that term. I feel sick and nervous and awful. Going home to get my camera to shoot a pile of Ebay. Wish I did not have to stay there for homework and such. Need to make money and quick. SOOOOOOOOOO Sick of living this way!

Online Portfolio, At Last

view my portfolio:
coroflot.com/dingerart

Feeling better

Thank you to anyone who responded to my dark days. The prayers (along with other things that I will write about later) have helped so much. I have a lot to do yet to resolve things, but for now, I am out of the shadows.

Boo

I am having a dark Halloween. I am as depressed as I've been in a long time, due to financial strain and lonliness. It is a gorgeous, warm day, I have a cute little kid around and my beagle and cat, but very little hope about money. I have not been able to earn or work much, and neither has my husband. I am at the end of my rope. In the past, I've been very creative and I rarely give up hope on what could come around the corner, but at this moment, I feel hopeless, sad, angry, dismal, depressed and lifeless.

Blah

I hate being sore and tired unless it is from a good workout.
I hate violent tv, even slightly violent and being stuck with no where in the house to escape from it.

I Suppose I am a Meany

We have a small house with 4 kids in it, 2 adults, the belongings of our adult child, who moved to another city, a workshop, the contents of an art studio and an office, besides the normal bathroom (only 1), bedrooms, kitchen (no cupboards) and ancient garage (1-car, no door). If we don't keep things in place, or at least in the general areas they need to be, it becomes hard to get around, get dressed, and even harder to find anything.
The 3 youngest children came from a home where there was simply no order or cleanliness. Since they've been gone from their mom only 16 months, I think a sense of disorder gives them a sense of "home" that they subconsciously cling to. Plus, they are kids.
Recently, we reconfigured their rooms so there would be a place to put everything. On the youngest's drawers, we even labeled what ought to go into each one. He likes that a lot. He's become much better at making his bed. They even have their own laundry bags and do their own laundry at times.
The oldest is usually blind to any room issues. He can claim that he "never knew!" he was supposed to pick all that stuff [sister's shoes, his socks, brother's sandals, wee cars] up off the floor! What??? No one told him! No one told him he would have to put his clothes into a bag or basket and not scatter them all over once ready for cleaning. Poor, uninformed kid! Of course, I told him this many times, nicely, yelling, writing it down, but he is woefully uninformed.
The little girl just arranges things, which I totally understand, since I did that myself as a child, and truly thought this was the correct thing to do. It was unbelievably time-consuming, but it was also satisfying and developed my sense of design. I "cleaned" my room for hours. It was never done, and is not to this day. She still has to do the job, and no doubt does the usual tricks like jamming all her clean clothes into the laundry room as "storage," and shoving stuff under her bed, "forgetting" the stuff jammed in at the headboard, etc.
The worst part of this is that after I try to get them to make their beds before they leave for school, which they generally do, I ask them to pick up before they go to bed- well before they go to bed, like at least an hour. This is where they go deaf and I have amnesia. When it's time to tuck in, be sweet, give backrubs and kisses, read stories or say prayers to these guys, it's more like they get a visit from their worst nightmare. I am shocked that there are socks under the bed, clothing left right where it left their hands, games just where they were 3 hours ago and that the little angels have not been getting PJs on as I so foolishly imagined, but are huddled around a Gameboy [illegal! illegal! illegal!] behind someone's bed, in full daytime dress, maybe minus shoes and socks, with hip-hop playing in the background. I have no power after dinner, except for my voice, I guess, as well as my talent for hiding the DS in a new spot (my favorite being in their own room) while they endure a time without it as consequence.
I just hate yelling at them right before bed. "What were you thinking???!!!!! How could you think this is what I meant by cleaning your room??? I love you sleep good see you in the morning." Good thing they get amnesia overnight.

Get Three-Dimensional

For the most part, we have boys in the house. For my first three kids, there were two boys and one girl; same for the second set. Inevitably, the boys get hooked on screens of any kind. This melts their brain cells at a young age (7-12) and then it levels off to basically All They Do at an older age. Our 21-year-old got to the point where he could sit in his room and discuss important matters with Many People Around the World (as if this would impress me), listen to tunes, blog, write stories and do his homework, all at one time. He could be in there for hours, and I usually called him down for dinner, when he ate, by IM-ing him.
My husband was drawn into the video game when he was a teen, when all there was was Pac Man and stuff like that. When I bought my house in 1996, it came with an old Atari system, so he and his two boys would sit there and ignore the nice weather, the rest of the house, the state of the nation, etc. Fortunately for me, as the Systems in our house improved to Nintendo, PS2, XBox, etc., the games were too hard to play with against our son, and were no fun, and I got my husband back!
College came, and the Systems got moved to college, then sent back for the next set of boys. Boys usually come with More Boys. Red carpets were laid out, announcements were made and the almighty Halo game came in during a school break. I had a fit, and it left.
Today is Sunday. I am sick today (which is how so many posts have gone up today) and since the rest of the family endured a 2-hour adventist service yesterday, we missed our service, as well as a picnic after church. The 8-year old got a DS for his bd yesterday, so the day was started with that, then the on-TV Spiderman game, then onto online games as well as XBox games in the living room. Add the fact that the 12th grader had an overnight guest (another 12th grader) over to play games and they were up to 4 am. They just want food, space and electricity. But they share their games, tips, laughs, space, food and electricity with the young boys and the husband. It is a male bonding free-for-all and I just go to my room for a read and a nap.
It is now 4:23. I kicked the younger boys OFF ANYTHING at 3:00 and told them to go outside. Do anything, take a walk, eat out there, go to a friends, throw a ball, chalk on the sidewalk. You would think they were thrown in a trunk to die. Their faces are crumpled into 3-pouts-in-one and their arms are crossed. "There's nothing to do!" they cry. The older boys I let go. They are nearly adults, and they are not dependent on this for fun; they just like it. The cool thing is, since they are not dependent, they've given up their screens and are outside throwing the ball around now, while I am on my screen, next to my husband, who is on the XBox.

Have You Taken A Walk Today?

Harvest Time Although We City Slickers Ain't Farmers

I like this picture. Is he going to buy one pear and one apple? Will he share it with is sister with the cool socks?Does she already have some? What about that corn?

Yeah, We're Artists

We were in University Circle a few weeks ago, at the Chalkfest. I like how these guys let me drag them all over to do non-screen related activities.
We made some fun pictures and we hope to do it again next year.

Places like this (one of the gardens at the Cleveland Museum of Art) are so beautiful, and when you grow up around them, you can take them for granted. I think it is important to make some of these areas "home" to the kids. When they are older, I assume they will seek out beauty. I hope so. Beauty makes a whole lot of difference in our lives, and I think it is good to surround ourselves in it whenever possible. There is plenty of the opposite in our faces all the time, so we have to "stock up," I think.