Sunday, September 04, 2011
Sunday Night
Friday, September 02, 2011
Why Journal?
All my journals say the same thing, over and over.
I have lots of books, but even more magazines. I don't read them because I need to respond to what I read or I have a mental overload. But while I have my moments of clarity, I think I will read all this stuff.
You ought to see all the great cookbooks I have, and I hardly cook. I prepare food, but that is about it. I WANT to cook and make cool and healthy things to eat, but I don't.
What I DO do, is arrange,
organize,
sort,
purge,
set up,
clean,
photograph,
share,
teach,
occasionally inspire,
motivate,
encourage,
improve,
want.
I want to work out, but I don't.
I have a hard time thinking clearly.
I hate my clothes, most of them, mostly because they don't reflect my taste. I am bothered on a daily basis that I am overweight as much as I am, but I don't take action.
I am very busy doing nothing important, until I am under pressure. Then, don't bother me. I will be busy doing unimportant things for quite awhile, and then I have very little time left to do what is important, so I am under pressure. I end up generally pleased with what I did under pressure, so I think I can do that at any time.
Then I don't. All this brings a pile of shame and discouragement after awhile, and I feel stupid. I seriously wonder who I am and what I am about anymore, but that is not a bad thing. I figure it helps us to get to those painful points now and then, because if we are sick enough of ourselves, we change. I just wish I would change faster.
Gotta go now.
I have lots of books, but even more magazines. I don't read them because I need to respond to what I read or I have a mental overload. But while I have my moments of clarity, I think I will read all this stuff.
You ought to see all the great cookbooks I have, and I hardly cook. I prepare food, but that is about it. I WANT to cook and make cool and healthy things to eat, but I don't.
What I DO do, is arrange,
organize,
sort,
purge,
set up,
clean,
photograph,
share,
teach,
occasionally inspire,
motivate,
encourage,
improve,
want.
I want to work out, but I don't.
I have a hard time thinking clearly.
I hate my clothes, most of them, mostly because they don't reflect my taste. I am bothered on a daily basis that I am overweight as much as I am, but I don't take action.
I am very busy doing nothing important, until I am under pressure. Then, don't bother me. I will be busy doing unimportant things for quite awhile, and then I have very little time left to do what is important, so I am under pressure. I end up generally pleased with what I did under pressure, so I think I can do that at any time.
Then I don't. All this brings a pile of shame and discouragement after awhile, and I feel stupid. I seriously wonder who I am and what I am about anymore, but that is not a bad thing. I figure it helps us to get to those painful points now and then, because if we are sick enough of ourselves, we change. I just wish I would change faster.
Friday, August 26, 2011
A Week Later
So, what have I done today?
1. Drove the 2 oldest to school. They have been up and ready by 6:45 every day so far (that's 3 days), even if they fight brushing their teeth in the morning.
2. Took Dakota to Mom's for a shower. Our gas has been off for a week, so no hot water at home.
3. Stopped and bought Dakota 2 binders at Discount Drug Mart, which has the best price on binders.
4. Went home and had coffee and honeydew with Gene. Discussed our day, our weekend, our need to discuss money, our need to stay positive. He made the bed and the coffee while I was gone.
5. Moved the rusting bikes with flat tires out of their current positions in the driveway, pulling the bindweed as they moved. Moved the giant blue tarp that has been laying there in the front of the garage (the garage, not the garage door; that is permanently up in the ceiling for 7 years now) since mid-July as a backdrop to the screaming yellow SLEDS which have been there also. Looked at weeds. Felt overwhelmed. Went inside.
5. Noticed the dishes, which are not easy to miss, since they are all on the counter and in the sink. It's not as fun to do dishes when you don't have hot water. Felt blech.
6. Moved into the back porch with the laptop. It is the nicest and least distracting of my rooms. The cat joined me, sleeping in the rocking chair.
Then I tried to think of what it was I was supposed to be doing. That's taken me all day to get clear. I had to find a phone number, and figured it might be in the spare room, so I cleaned that up. Not there. Now it is probably too late to call. Did some marketing work, slide work, stuff like that. I am going to have to work all night to make up for what I did not accomplish. That is okay, as long as I get it done. Gene is at the golf course anyhow, since I had to wait for the kids to come home. Des got lost and I had to go get her. Dustin is still at football. He will likely go to Jack's. Des has one hour on the computer. Kota instantly wants to get on a Game Boy (an older game we had around). So, it is quiet.
I need a shower.
1. Drove the 2 oldest to school. They have been up and ready by 6:45 every day so far (that's 3 days), even if they fight brushing their teeth in the morning.
2. Took Dakota to Mom's for a shower. Our gas has been off for a week, so no hot water at home.
3. Stopped and bought Dakota 2 binders at Discount Drug Mart, which has the best price on binders.
4. Went home and had coffee and honeydew with Gene. Discussed our day, our weekend, our need to discuss money, our need to stay positive. He made the bed and the coffee while I was gone.
5. Moved the rusting bikes with flat tires out of their current positions in the driveway, pulling the bindweed as they moved. Moved the giant blue tarp that has been laying there in the front of the garage (the garage, not the garage door; that is permanently up in the ceiling for 7 years now) since mid-July as a backdrop to the screaming yellow SLEDS which have been there also. Looked at weeds. Felt overwhelmed. Went inside.
5. Noticed the dishes, which are not easy to miss, since they are all on the counter and in the sink. It's not as fun to do dishes when you don't have hot water. Felt blech.
6. Moved into the back porch with the laptop. It is the nicest and least distracting of my rooms. The cat joined me, sleeping in the rocking chair.
Then I tried to think of what it was I was supposed to be doing. That's taken me all day to get clear. I had to find a phone number, and figured it might be in the spare room, so I cleaned that up. Not there. Now it is probably too late to call. Did some marketing work, slide work, stuff like that. I am going to have to work all night to make up for what I did not accomplish. That is okay, as long as I get it done. Gene is at the golf course anyhow, since I had to wait for the kids to come home. Des got lost and I had to go get her. Dustin is still at football. He will likely go to Jack's. Des has one hour on the computer. Kota instantly wants to get on a Game Boy (an older game we had around). So, it is quiet.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Not Sure What to Do
Days like this are my challenge. It is gorgeous out. Gene is going to work the golf course until 9. Kids are out playing and will be back. I've no clue what to make for dinner and need to go to the grocery store. Gene Jr. is moving to Columbus. Mom is at home. Dustin is tired.
I've had a rough week just worrying about money. I am so stressed out. I cannot work fast enough. But aside from that, I am so lonely for friends. I want to sit around with friends and do something fun. But I am stuck here waiting for kids to get back, who will ask for what to eat, who will want to play on the computer, who I will have to babysit. I need to get out so badly, but am stuck again, on a beautiful day, alone.
I've had a rough week just worrying about money. I am so stressed out. I cannot work fast enough. But aside from that, I am so lonely for friends. I want to sit around with friends and do something fun. But I am stuck here waiting for kids to get back, who will ask for what to eat, who will want to play on the computer, who I will have to babysit. I need to get out so badly, but am stuck again, on a beautiful day, alone.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
True Confessions
I OWN SEVERAL OLD MACINTOSH COMPUTERS.
I am not exactly sure where they all came from.
I do remember buying a Performa from Sears when I was mad at Gene in 1995 or so (pre-engagement). I think I was mad at him for either buying a car that was all wrong or maybe it was getting a ticket. It doesn't matter. The Performa is gone.
I got a G3 at one point, but don't remember buying it. Then I got another from a workplace that was tossing it. I think. Then I think my brother gave me one.
Gene, on whim, bought a G4 on Overstock.com for like, $400. It was perfectly fine, even for that amount. Somewhere along the line, I got an iMac Bondi. For Christmas last year, I got a PowerBook G4, also from my brother. Last week, he gave me another G4.
One reason some of these did not make it to recycling is because of the data still on the computer or on [O MY GOSH SALLIE FORD IS ON LETTERMANAND SHE IS A TRIP] them and I WANT IT. i had the strange experience of owning all these computers that had either non-functioning CD burners or none at all, so things did not get backed up on the latest methods. I have 2 External Zip Drives, 3 CD readerwriterwhateverstupidthings NEVER EVER EVER WORKED, a Syquest drive and I am pretty sure I threw out my floppies awhile back even though I could read them on the G3 if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I just want my artwork, as if it is important. As if it matters. I've lived without it all this time, but not really. It is in my MIND, IN MOM'S BASEMENT, REALLY. And I will get the artwork and post it on Facebook for some odd reason. I ought to be able to forget it, but I hardly forget anything, except what I am supposed to be doing a the moment.
This is really how I am.
It is also why I remember that I never really wrote my thank you notes from my fantastic high school graduation party, where I probably scored $850 in 1976, when that was a LOT. I assume people remember that I never sent the note. This bugged me through college, probably, though I actually don't remember, but heck, I know it now, right? I assume this is why I lost contact with some people, since I was then viewed (I assume, as if THEY EVEN THINK OF ME AT ALL, WHICH IS SO SILLY SINCE PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO THINK OF) I am such a selfish and ungrateful person.
Yup.
Write me in case this is true for you and I want to make amends.
Which brings me back to my computer story.
When I got married, my friend's friend who I was friends with at the time, took the photos. You are not supposed to do that-- you are supposed to hire a pro, and she was okay. The biggest bummer was that I did not hand the loaded video recorder to anyone until someone picked it up toward the end of our reception. It was an awesome wedding, a fun reception, a fantastic honeymoon that has not ended yet. I lost my job right before we got married, freelanced, went broke and never really paid the photographer very well. I did some trade work. I hope that she forgave me, I never forgave myself. So, to this day, I have never blown up more than one photo. I don't have a wedding album. I scanned my very favorites and started this ELABORATE booklet photo combo thingy that was going to go out to everyone and it would have a personalized thank you at the end. Wouldn't that be nice? Pics from the wedding, from the honeymoon, from whatever.
Yesterday, I unloaded the pictures from 3 Zip drives, and put it onto my current G4. I started posting some of the wedding pics. The rest are in the same exact drawer, in stacks, in the buffet, in the kitchen. This may be because I really am still on my honeymoon, and figure we got married a few weeks ago.
This now brings us to tonight, when I was cleaning out the Giant Cupboard in the living room. I keep all my STATIONERY in there, for WRITING LETTERS, sending THANK YOU NOTES, and sending POSTCARDS. I have stickers and address lists and cards and filing systems. I haven't written a letter in Forever. I have a dear friend who has given me 250 pounds in art books, clothing, gift cards and things to sell online, but do you think I've written thank you notes to her and her mom??? No. I live on the Road Paved with Good Intentions. RIGHT UNDER A ROCK.
SO. I am going through the cupboard and cleaning up and organizing all These Things I Rarely Use but Think I Will, and I found a stack of thank you notes that Gene wrote because he thought my idea of the booklet thing was nice but it would take too long and let's keep it simple.
I thought they were mailed.
They were not. Some people have died since then.
Now you know. Let's hope confession is good for the soul.
Should I mail them?
I am not exactly sure where they all came from.
I do remember buying a Performa from Sears when I was mad at Gene in 1995 or so (pre-engagement). I think I was mad at him for either buying a car that was all wrong or maybe it was getting a ticket. It doesn't matter. The Performa is gone.
I got a G3 at one point, but don't remember buying it. Then I got another from a workplace that was tossing it. I think. Then I think my brother gave me one.
Gene, on whim, bought a G4 on Overstock.com for like, $400. It was perfectly fine, even for that amount. Somewhere along the line, I got an iMac Bondi. For Christmas last year, I got a PowerBook G4, also from my brother. Last week, he gave me another G4.
One reason some of these did not make it to recycling is because of the data still on the computer or on [O MY GOSH SALLIE FORD IS ON LETTERMANAND SHE IS A TRIP] them and I WANT IT. i had the strange experience of owning all these computers that had either non-functioning CD burners or none at all, so things did not get backed up on the latest methods. I have 2 External Zip Drives, 3 CD readerwriterwhateverstupidthings NEVER EVER EVER WORKED, a Syquest drive and I am pretty sure I threw out my floppies awhile back even though I could read them on the G3 if I wanted to, but I don't want to. I just want my artwork, as if it is important. As if it matters. I've lived without it all this time, but not really. It is in my MIND, IN MOM'S BASEMENT, REALLY. And I will get the artwork and post it on Facebook for some odd reason. I ought to be able to forget it, but I hardly forget anything, except what I am supposed to be doing a the moment.
This is really how I am.
It is also why I remember that I never really wrote my thank you notes from my fantastic high school graduation party, where I probably scored $850 in 1976, when that was a LOT. I assume people remember that I never sent the note. This bugged me through college, probably, though I actually don't remember, but heck, I know it now, right? I assume this is why I lost contact with some people, since I was then viewed (I assume, as if THEY EVEN THINK OF ME AT ALL, WHICH IS SO SILLY SINCE PEOPLE HAVE SO MANY OTHER THINGS TO THINK OF) I am such a selfish and ungrateful person.
Yup.
Write me in case this is true for you and I want to make amends.
Which brings me back to my computer story.
When I got married, my friend's friend who I was friends with at the time, took the photos. You are not supposed to do that-- you are supposed to hire a pro, and she was okay. The biggest bummer was that I did not hand the loaded video recorder to anyone until someone picked it up toward the end of our reception. It was an awesome wedding, a fun reception, a fantastic honeymoon that has not ended yet. I lost my job right before we got married, freelanced, went broke and never really paid the photographer very well. I did some trade work. I hope that she forgave me, I never forgave myself. So, to this day, I have never blown up more than one photo. I don't have a wedding album. I scanned my very favorites and started this ELABORATE booklet photo combo thingy that was going to go out to everyone and it would have a personalized thank you at the end. Wouldn't that be nice? Pics from the wedding, from the honeymoon, from whatever.
Yesterday, I unloaded the pictures from 3 Zip drives, and put it onto my current G4. I started posting some of the wedding pics. The rest are in the same exact drawer, in stacks, in the buffet, in the kitchen. This may be because I really am still on my honeymoon, and figure we got married a few weeks ago.
This now brings us to tonight, when I was cleaning out the Giant Cupboard in the living room. I keep all my STATIONERY in there, for WRITING LETTERS, sending THANK YOU NOTES, and sending POSTCARDS. I have stickers and address lists and cards and filing systems. I haven't written a letter in Forever. I have a dear friend who has given me 250 pounds in art books, clothing, gift cards and things to sell online, but do you think I've written thank you notes to her and her mom??? No. I live on the Road Paved with Good Intentions. RIGHT UNDER A ROCK.
SO. I am going through the cupboard and cleaning up and organizing all These Things I Rarely Use but Think I Will, and I found a stack of thank you notes that Gene wrote because he thought my idea of the booklet thing was nice but it would take too long and let's keep it simple.
I thought they were mailed.
They were not. Some people have died since then.
Now you know. Let's hope confession is good for the soul.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Stuff I Think I Need
1. More space
2. A studio away from the house with other people around
3. A new Mac
4. Weight loss
5. More time at the park
6. Exercise
7. Friends
8. Sleep
9. Renewal
10. Money
11. A vacation away from the house, with the family
2. A studio away from the house with other people around
3. A new Mac
4. Weight loss
5. More time at the park
6. Exercise
7. Friends
8. Sleep
9. Renewal
10. Money
11. A vacation away from the house, with the family
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Taking My Self Seriously
How can I learn to see myself as an artist if I don't make much of it?
Is my purposeful, planned artwork somehow more valuable than my freeform, unplanned work?
Why do I need order so much? Why do I insist upon it to begin my own work? Will I ever be able to work from home?
Do I have ADD and that is it?
Why have I not continued with my art? Why does everything else seem to go first?
Is my purposeful, planned artwork somehow more valuable than my freeform, unplanned work?
Why do I need order so much? Why do I insist upon it to begin my own work? Will I ever be able to work from home?
Do I have ADD and that is it?
Why have I not continued with my art? Why does everything else seem to go first?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
When Does the Fun Part Start?
Blogging is logging your feelings. Blathering + Logging, yes?
Today, my plan was to apply for a particular job and then wash the dishes. That would be a LOT of dishes, because we don't have hot water, so they get put off. To do them, we put a pot of water on the grill and haul it in. Gene did them all last weekend so I could get my work done on Etsy, something that took almost all week anyhow, and I hardly see any results.
Yet, I am not depressed, just kind of numb. Instead of accomplishing my plan, I finished cleaning Dakota's room. I started it awhile ago, left a pile, started again, left a pile. Got rid of the pile, decided to root through all their clothes and got rid of that pile, dragged out the ancient hard drive we will never hook up for them to use for school papers (do all parents think this will happen?), am going to part with the giant box of Hot Wheel tracks from 1969 and ran the vac. Found a few DSi games, and put his fan in since it is going to be hot soon.
Dustin refereed 2 games and then stayed and played. He cleaned up his side and now has to vac. I told Desi to pick up everything because if we ever DID get a bedbug, they love clutter and floors. God forbid we ever get one, and the TV pics freak her out. The hallways was swept up to a point, and now I have to go through the Christmas stuff as well as Desi's clothing to see what we don't want. Good thing is, she is good at that now and does most of it herself.
So, I did not get to go work out and that means I did not take my shower, and the guys are not back from Mom's house and the party started 6 minutes ago.
There is always so much more to do. Will it ever end?
Today, my plan was to apply for a particular job and then wash the dishes. That would be a LOT of dishes, because we don't have hot water, so they get put off. To do them, we put a pot of water on the grill and haul it in. Gene did them all last weekend so I could get my work done on Etsy, something that took almost all week anyhow, and I hardly see any results.
Yet, I am not depressed, just kind of numb. Instead of accomplishing my plan, I finished cleaning Dakota's room. I started it awhile ago, left a pile, started again, left a pile. Got rid of the pile, decided to root through all their clothes and got rid of that pile, dragged out the ancient hard drive we will never hook up for them to use for school papers (do all parents think this will happen?), am going to part with the giant box of Hot Wheel tracks from 1969 and ran the vac. Found a few DSi games, and put his fan in since it is going to be hot soon.
Dustin refereed 2 games and then stayed and played. He cleaned up his side and now has to vac. I told Desi to pick up everything because if we ever DID get a bedbug, they love clutter and floors. God forbid we ever get one, and the TV pics freak her out. The hallways was swept up to a point, and now I have to go through the Christmas stuff as well as Desi's clothing to see what we don't want. Good thing is, she is good at that now and does most of it herself.
So, I did not get to go work out and that means I did not take my shower, and the guys are not back from Mom's house and the party started 6 minutes ago.
There is always so much more to do. Will it ever end?
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Delivery
This morning's reading stopped me in an unusual place, the second verse I read: "And the Lord said, Judah shall go up; behold, I have delivered the land into his hand."
I suspect it is an encouragement to me because it shows me a couple things. First, the Israelites asked God in verse one for wisdom and direction. That's good-- I do that. Then they got a direct answer that showed that God had it already planned out and that they were going to win. That's good too. Seems kind of simple. Maybe it rings true to me because I can win already too, if I just listen and let God lead me in the battle.
I suspect it is an encouragement to me because it shows me a couple things. First, the Israelites asked God in verse one for wisdom and direction. That's good-- I do that. Then they got a direct answer that showed that God had it already planned out and that they were going to win. That's good too. Seems kind of simple. Maybe it rings true to me because I can win already too, if I just listen and let God lead me in the battle.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Okay, Here is the Real Deal
Figuring hardly anyone sees this or reads it, I am going to just tell you why I am up at 3:30 this morning. I am up often at 3:30, but am telling you my thoughts this day, since I figure I won't get back to sleep soon anyhow. I just have too much on my mind. I will be using the word "I" much more than you are supposed to, but I don't care.
I went to the doc in January because I have a soreness by my larynx that is really bothering me. At the same time, I had some super drainage in my sinuses, so I got a zpack from the doc. It took care of a LITTLE of the drainage. In a few days, I lost my job. I called a week later and the doc ordered more antibiotics for me. I was into that for maybe three days, and got appendicitis, went into the hospital and was on THOSE antibiotics, and went home. The day I entered the hospital was my last day of benefits.
A few weeks later, I went in to see the doc again because my throat really is bothering me and on top of that, I got some weird little round thing on my knee, right next to the cap. It was squishy, so he said it was a lipoma and it was in an unusual place, you usually get those on your arm or something. Now it is not so squishy, not as small, and it bothers me all the time. It puts pressure on the knee and hurts my whole leg. My throat still hurts too. Every day. He told me the second time that sometimes the infection from the swollen glands will flow into that area and it might take awhile for it to clear up.
In the meantime, I staved off the electric and gas bills and got on a plan. The gas bill is due on Wednesday. The rest of the mortgage is due on Tuesday. Gene will get paid for a big job he did today. It will be in check form and we will JUST make it for the mortgage, Lord willing. I don't know how I will manage the gas yet.
I was supposed to contact welfare right away to tell them not to cancel our food card because I just lost my job. I did contact them, but I had to get info to another worker. I had to get my hands on the paperwork she needed. This took awhile. I got it, and still have to fax it. I will likely fax it after I finish typing. It's almost 5 am. So, in any case, we have no money for food now. The church gave us lots of stuff, and we have a lot of stuff left in the freezer, but I do have to come up with milk and eggs and fruits. We will survive, but I am not sure how Gene thinks we will get the corned beef and cabbage for Thursday. Electric will be due next Friday. I've not even looked at the water/sewer bill yet, and the state is sending all sorts of collectors to get our back taxes. The medical bills are coming in. I have to pay for my Cobra dental and send that in.
My church let me be in charge of the website. I had been involved for years, but nothing ever happened after all we did. It was left with me last July, and until we had the miserable summer we did, and then I left to go work in the job I just lost, I had no time to work on it. This made me feel just awful. The website was just taken away from me, but now they need stuff I have to give them yet, so we are nearly in the same spot.
I have a funeral to go to this morning. Went to a service for another friend last Thursday. Japan is a mess. My basement is a mess. I am working on finding room and pitching stuff from the basement. I am doing okay with it, but it is a big job I want out of the way asap so I can MAKE stuff to sell on my Ebay and Etsy stores so I can bring in money. I am also not sleeping well, obviously, and this makes me all crazy during the day and crabby sometimes as well as foggy in my thinking. Or imbalanced, or both. Then it makes it hard to lose weight, another issue that bugs me daily. I LOOK AWFUL and am unhealthy. That thing on my knee is not getting better with all the extra weight.
Gene and I could really use some time to ourselves. We don't get many dates, and if we ever do, it is just a movie and then everyone is back. We don't get out of town. Haven't done that since 2006 when we went to Chicago.
I have great kids. I want to spend better time with them. I worry about Gene Jr., who is so isolated. I wonder how Josh is, who is away on duty. I wonder how Crystal is and if we will ever hear from her or meet her two babies.
I have tons of stuff at Mom's to go through and throw out, sell or move.
Dakota is in testing for ADD. I worry I don't work enough with the kids and their school work. I have been successful in ignoring their rooms.
That is enough off my mind for now. Thank you for reading. I have a lot more, but it is not coming to the surface at the moment, so that is good.
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Irritated Mom
I feel bad because I am a crabby mom. It's a selfish thing-- I want things in order, and kids keep things in constant disorder. It is hard to get used to accepting this. I cannot believe the number of things that are on the floor in Dakota's room. Why do kids have all morning and THEN look for the library book they need to return today? How can they walk around the house in socks that are half off their feet and soggy from walking through snow puddles by the door? How can they exist with goo and sticky on their hands, opening the fridge and doing their homework this way? Then they pour a drink of Kool-Aid on the table and leave the drips there to put their homework onto. Syrup and cereal always leave tracks on the table. And if I could approach the bathroom with less fear, it would be nice.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Life These Days
I will use the word "I" several times here, and I know it.
Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.
Things have changed quite a bit over the last 3 years. We took in Kristina's kids over 3 years ago and are still enjoying having young kids, as unplanned as it was. The kids are all really great. They are kind, interesting, funny, and have a lot of life. I got to stay home the first 3 years, and started working in October. My life of going to the pool, cleaning house and wondering where the money was going to come from have come to an end. I still wonder about the money, but not nearly as much. Getting a paycheck answers that, although we are still not out of debt. We are working on that and we are almost done taking the Financial Peace course from Dave Ramsey. Now to apply it regularly.
Gene has an additional job also. It helps so much to have him home, and his job is on the phone from home also. God has supplied so much to us, over and over. We are very grateful.
I have to drive 28 miles to my job. It is worth it, but I do get concerned about the vehicle, and want to get something more economical. I get really nervous now that it has started to get cold and snow. I am worn out when I get home.
I got a job doing something I did not know I could do, but I am doing it. Again, so grateful.
I miss seeing Mom, as it is so hard to find any time to stop by now.
I miss my kids, but they seem to be hanging in there. It helps having a good babysitter.
Many days I cry as I start towards the freeway. Not a real cry, but I shed a tear. I have a hard time leaving the house. It takes me all morning to leave.
I spent two days cleaning stuff out of the house last weekend. I just have to clean up the living room and then I can get the stuff downstairs for Christmas. I brought out some lites for the kids to use upstairs. They love it. I will unplug them when they are asleep.
Dakota is still having trouble with peeing in his room. I don't know why he started it, along with lying about it afterwards, but it is so gross. He was sick all Thanksgiving. He has been sick since school started, since I started working.
My room is a mess. All my clothes are either old or don't fit. I have a couple items that are new, but not much. It will take me some time to catch up. I hate my hair, hate how fat I am, hate how pale I am. I am tired, sore, and don't sleep well. During the weekend I think I will catch up a little, but I am usually just enjoying life or resting or putting time into the house instead of myself.
We have a mouse in the house now.
GJ lives here, too. He just moved his girlfriend out to another house.
We all miss Joshua.
I miss hanging out with any of my family, Chrissy, Don, Bon, etc.
I want to have people over and wonder when.
I need my floor washed and waxed. It has been a long time.
So, no baking is going on, no beautiful decorations, nothing yet. We will. I overdecorate, usually.
Gotta go.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
So, this is how it is
It's a gorgeous summer day, and not even 8 am. Gene just left for work, and the house is quiet except for the fans running. The kids are not stirring yet, but it won't be long before Dakota comes downstairs. We've had the longest stretch of hot and humid weather, so this is really pleasant, and there is even hope of cooling off the house, which was not happening, even at night.
SO-- I am almost overwhelmed, but not yet, at the list of things to do I have. I have a slight idea where to start, but after that, it does get over my head.
1. Blog. I am doing that now, while I drink my coffee, so I have to put that first. You could also call it Prioritizing, which people have told me to do my whole life, as if I did not know.
2. Take a walk. I have to lose 90 lbs. and we have good weather for it today. It will also help fend off depression.
3. Buy milk. (maybe during the walk, although I do not like the idea of lugging a jug, really). The kids will want milk for the cereal and we forgot to pick up more last night. (see, it is already getting confusing)
4. Shower. There's a no-brainer, unless I take the kids to the pool today, which would wreck my hair all over again.
5. Clean up room. I have a very small room. Gene and I each have a strip of space about 8 ft long and 2 feet wide to put all our stuff in. Yeah. Gotta pick up the books, papers, clothes and shoes that I had on the bed or in the wardrobe. I can go from perfectly clean to a mess in one day. I need some order in here to feel good about Me and to get dressed decently enough. Usually I don't care, but I am making an effort.
6. Oops-- Quiet Time. This ought to have come before blogging, but it's too late now. I will take this list before God one way or another. I need His guidance and strength.
Now I have to stop the numbering. Here's what else goes through my mind:
-- pay insurance TODAY. Last chance. I can do that over the phone
-- deal with giant water bill. How, I do not know. It is only big because we have not paid it.
-- be a mom. That means I don't really feel GOOD about doing all I have to do and letting them do nothing all day. I want the kids to get out and to the park and creeks and not sit in the house all day. What is it with kids that makes them forget to move? Anyhow, I need to interact with them instead of always worrying about all this stuff. i think. We do need water and lights.
-- a tree branch came down last weekend and no one has attempted to do anything with it. Gene has been working, so he has not had time. Today I am assigning the Boy Scouts, the college graduate and the girl to use Saws and stack wood. That will get them moving.
-- laundry. I have to do laundry. I have to get after the kids to do theirs as well.
-- their rooms. Not a priority right now, but they need to pick up at least while it is not 100 degrees up there.
-- school work. Yes, we are supposed to be getting ready and doing drills. I have only had 4 days of school work so far, about 3 weeks behind usual.
-- OH, YEAH, A JOB!!!!! I NEED A JOB AND HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR ONE or TWO ASAP!!!
-- MORTGAGE PAPERS!!! THE BANK NEEDS ME TO WORK ON PAPERWORK FOR THEM SO WE DON'T LOSE THE HOUSE!
-- ART SALE AND GARAGE SALE. Yes, we are having a big art/yard sale/party on August 14 and I need to make stuff!!!
--Design the church website.
-- Ebay and Etsy. I have so much to set up and sell. And make.
-- gardens. Ack, if we have people over on the 14th, how bad will my yard look? This year I have spent less time in my yard/garden than EVER. It looks soooo sad. I am sure there are beans waiting to be picked, too. Not one sunflower. Sigh. The bushes in the front garden look like Don King's hair. So embarrassed.
-- Bathroom. The kids all have assignments. Phew.
I need more coffee.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Water Day
Took the two little ones to the river today and we walked a long way upstream. Kota loves to get into the current and float. MOST of the river was about an inch or two (or LESS)deep, except for the few waist-high places Dakota was in. They were VERY fascinated to find that clay is in the riverbank. They spent some time in the perfectly gray stuff and brought home a handful each. On the way home we stopped at Buttermilk Falls, and they easily walked down into the same pool we used to get into at the bottom of the falls. I love that they have no hesitation and don't mind getting dirty. When we got home, of course, they wanted to go the pool!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
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