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I am glad you might be joining me here. It needs some work; links are not what they used to be, but thank you for visiting. More to come.

Disappointment & Hope at Christmas Time

 This is the time of the month-- a week before Christmas-- that I realize that none of the things I was hoping to do by this time will be done: No cookies, no parties, not the greatest decorating (or avoiding it altogether), no trips to the beach instead of staying in town, no Christmas letter, no cards sent out, no money, no gifts purchased, wrapped and placed under the tree that my husband just bought a few minutes ago.

The beginning of the season was hopeful: a nice Thanksgiving, complete with decorations brought out by our tiny nieces; I went to the lighting of the square downtown

(by myself) and that was fun; a nice craft night the first week, with lots of friends at church creating angel lanterns.

My sister came in town from Tennessee and we had a great time at Mom's house celebrating early. Then, last weekend, we had a lovely "instant pageant" at church on Sunday,

which was super fun, and went to a magical wedding in West Virginia and enjoyed the beautiful light displays at Ogelbay Park and the company of family.

We've received many nice cards in the mail and yesterday I was treated to a beautiful, delicious and special breakfast with four close friends.

But gosh, they say the holiday is about giving, and I just never feel I give enough when those other things are not done at all. I have a hard time feeling like I am ready or into the whole thing rather than just watching like a spectator and a "taker."I guess I am not, actually, so I need to figure out why I feel so. 
To top it off, I usually get my winter cold due to the pressure I put myself under, the exposure to all the germs, and to my awareness that there is less daylight, and more ice and slush. That cold kicked-in yesterday. I am thrilled it took this long, but wish we could have held off another week! 
I guess all this coincides with the End of the Year... That time you get to realize all the things you did not get done, not just for Christmas, but for the year. But I am not going to think about that right now. We did a lot of good and wonderful things this year. I will leave the review for another post.
The end of the year also reminds us of what a year our friends and families had, and what we went through. We started a new business, we saw a child off to college, we got through difficult things. We lost friends to death. We saw hard things and wrong things happen in the world. We keep turning to God for answers and for comfort, and He comes through. That is enough for now and for every day. We live a day at a time and sometimes for a moment at a time. 

squirrel

I am really having to combat the shame thing today. Needing to remember to breathe, need to turn things over to God because that is a good idea but also because my ulcer wants to return. I am going out for a walk and I know this will help.

Mixed up

Well, it is almost 8 pm on Sunday night. I've been to church today- good sermon and lovely music. Did not have much singing voice as I have not had much sleep lately. I did try some melatonin last night and it helped. Gene got in at 3:45 from driving.
The kids are off again tomorrow. Dakota finally finished his homework, I guess. Not sure about Des. We had a gift card from David for dinner at Subway. Spent time at the library working on my iMovie for the church. I am almost done. Des rented a bunch of stuff, including Dr. Who, Season 9. I have to spend time prepping my 30 minute lesson for tomorrow in preschool. I feel kind of tired, but suspect I am depressed.

Last night I decided, when I saw that the Calumet was in port, I wanted to go down and take pictures. Instead, I decided it would be too dark by the time I got down there, so why not go to the Christmas lighting on the square? I did that by myself. I sang to the songs I usually avoid and made the best of it on the way down, but I was actually kind of sad that I could not get anyone to go with me. I spend most of my time this way, doing things on my own instead of not doing them. It is not what I had in mind for my life, but that is where it's at. The whole thing was nice, I met a fellow artist, and left as they started on the classic rock instead of classic Christmas. How weird. Was home by 7:30 and posted them on Facebook.

Spent Friday night at Mom's watching PBS infomercials on the 50s hits.
The kids will clean the kitchen tomorrow.
Gene is hoping to come up with enough for insurance by Wednesday. He now has a cold.
Just as much as being broke, older and fuddier, having no clothes that express who I am (a mask in itself) and doing much of my life alone, my weight bothers me the most, every day, every minute. I knew depression was an issue when, on the way home from the lighting, I stopped for cat food, and bought chips and cookies for the kids. Thankfully, they do eat most of them, but it's a sign.
Then I found out that I registered for a weekend marriage thingy and forgot to reserve our room. That is $300 we do not have, so now we have no getaway weekend. Very disappointing.
There is no money for Christmas gifts, just like last year.
The cat keeps meowing outside this door. Everyone needs me for something.

I don't think my life works very well the way I'm doing it. I think I've been doing it wrong for a long time, but only realized it today. An overhaul is in order, and I'm ready.