Feeling better

Thank you to anyone who responded to my dark days. The prayers (along with other things that I will write about later) have helped so much. I have a lot to do yet to resolve things, but for now, I am out of the shadows.

Boo

I am having a dark Halloween. I am as depressed as I've been in a long time, due to financial strain and lonliness. It is a gorgeous, warm day, I have a cute little kid around and my beagle and cat, but very little hope about money. I have not been able to earn or work much, and neither has my husband. I am at the end of my rope. In the past, I've been very creative and I rarely give up hope on what could come around the corner, but at this moment, I feel hopeless, sad, angry, dismal, depressed and lifeless.

Blah

I hate being sore and tired unless it is from a good workout.
I hate violent tv, even slightly violent and being stuck with no where in the house to escape from it.

I Suppose I am a Meany

We have a small house with 4 kids in it, 2 adults, the belongings of our adult child, who moved to another city, a workshop, the contents of an art studio and an office, besides the normal bathroom (only 1), bedrooms, kitchen (no cupboards) and ancient garage (1-car, no door). If we don't keep things in place, or at least in the general areas they need to be, it becomes hard to get around, get dressed, and even harder to find anything.
The 3 youngest children came from a home where there was simply no order or cleanliness. Since they've been gone from their mom only 16 months, I think a sense of disorder gives them a sense of "home" that they subconsciously cling to. Plus, they are kids.
Recently, we reconfigured their rooms so there would be a place to put everything. On the youngest's drawers, we even labeled what ought to go into each one. He likes that a lot. He's become much better at making his bed. They even have their own laundry bags and do their own laundry at times.
The oldest is usually blind to any room issues. He can claim that he "never knew!" he was supposed to pick all that stuff [sister's shoes, his socks, brother's sandals, wee cars] up off the floor! What??? No one told him! No one told him he would have to put his clothes into a bag or basket and not scatter them all over once ready for cleaning. Poor, uninformed kid! Of course, I told him this many times, nicely, yelling, writing it down, but he is woefully uninformed.
The little girl just arranges things, which I totally understand, since I did that myself as a child, and truly thought this was the correct thing to do. It was unbelievably time-consuming, but it was also satisfying and developed my sense of design. I "cleaned" my room for hours. It was never done, and is not to this day. She still has to do the job, and no doubt does the usual tricks like jamming all her clean clothes into the laundry room as "storage," and shoving stuff under her bed, "forgetting" the stuff jammed in at the headboard, etc.
The worst part of this is that after I try to get them to make their beds before they leave for school, which they generally do, I ask them to pick up before they go to bed- well before they go to bed, like at least an hour. This is where they go deaf and I have amnesia. When it's time to tuck in, be sweet, give backrubs and kisses, read stories or say prayers to these guys, it's more like they get a visit from their worst nightmare. I am shocked that there are socks under the bed, clothing left right where it left their hands, games just where they were 3 hours ago and that the little angels have not been getting PJs on as I so foolishly imagined, but are huddled around a Gameboy [illegal! illegal! illegal!] behind someone's bed, in full daytime dress, maybe minus shoes and socks, with hip-hop playing in the background. I have no power after dinner, except for my voice, I guess, as well as my talent for hiding the DS in a new spot (my favorite being in their own room) while they endure a time without it as consequence.
I just hate yelling at them right before bed. "What were you thinking???!!!!! How could you think this is what I meant by cleaning your room??? I love you sleep good see you in the morning." Good thing they get amnesia overnight.

Get Three-Dimensional

For the most part, we have boys in the house. For my first three kids, there were two boys and one girl; same for the second set. Inevitably, the boys get hooked on screens of any kind. This melts their brain cells at a young age (7-12) and then it levels off to basically All They Do at an older age. Our 21-year-old got to the point where he could sit in his room and discuss important matters with Many People Around the World (as if this would impress me), listen to tunes, blog, write stories and do his homework, all at one time. He could be in there for hours, and I usually called him down for dinner, when he ate, by IM-ing him.
My husband was drawn into the video game when he was a teen, when all there was was Pac Man and stuff like that. When I bought my house in 1996, it came with an old Atari system, so he and his two boys would sit there and ignore the nice weather, the rest of the house, the state of the nation, etc. Fortunately for me, as the Systems in our house improved to Nintendo, PS2, XBox, etc., the games were too hard to play with against our son, and were no fun, and I got my husband back!
College came, and the Systems got moved to college, then sent back for the next set of boys. Boys usually come with More Boys. Red carpets were laid out, announcements were made and the almighty Halo game came in during a school break. I had a fit, and it left.
Today is Sunday. I am sick today (which is how so many posts have gone up today) and since the rest of the family endured a 2-hour adventist service yesterday, we missed our service, as well as a picnic after church. The 8-year old got a DS for his bd yesterday, so the day was started with that, then the on-TV Spiderman game, then onto online games as well as XBox games in the living room. Add the fact that the 12th grader had an overnight guest (another 12th grader) over to play games and they were up to 4 am. They just want food, space and electricity. But they share their games, tips, laughs, space, food and electricity with the young boys and the husband. It is a male bonding free-for-all and I just go to my room for a read and a nap.
It is now 4:23. I kicked the younger boys OFF ANYTHING at 3:00 and told them to go outside. Do anything, take a walk, eat out there, go to a friends, throw a ball, chalk on the sidewalk. You would think they were thrown in a trunk to die. Their faces are crumpled into 3-pouts-in-one and their arms are crossed. "There's nothing to do!" they cry. The older boys I let go. They are nearly adults, and they are not dependent on this for fun; they just like it. The cool thing is, since they are not dependent, they've given up their screens and are outside throwing the ball around now, while I am on my screen, next to my husband, who is on the XBox.

Have You Taken A Walk Today?

Harvest Time Although We City Slickers Ain't Farmers

I like this picture. Is he going to buy one pear and one apple? Will he share it with is sister with the cool socks?Does she already have some? What about that corn?

Yeah, We're Artists

We were in University Circle a few weeks ago, at the Chalkfest. I like how these guys let me drag them all over to do non-screen related activities.
We made some fun pictures and we hope to do it again next year.

Places like this (one of the gardens at the Cleveland Museum of Art) are so beautiful, and when you grow up around them, you can take them for granted. I think it is important to make some of these areas "home" to the kids. When they are older, I assume they will seek out beauty. I hope so. Beauty makes a whole lot of difference in our lives, and I think it is good to surround ourselves in it whenever possible. There is plenty of the opposite in our faces all the time, so we have to "stock up," I think.

Time to revise the blog

I will be messing around with this, so it will look like a mess for awhile...

Sigh. It's Almost Over

The last day for the pool was Monday. We stayed all day and I got myself a sunburn. We don't usually show up at the pool until after 2:00, but that day it was 12:40 - 5:00. It was great, sunny, warm and they used up all the chairs by 2:30.
Today was the second day of Home Days. We went for a preview last night, but it was pretty drizzly and not many were there. Today, it was gorgeous. I let the kids ride one ride each and they bought a water, but that is it. I would love to splurge on $15 wristbands, but not this year. We had a nice time regardless.

Yes! She IS the cutest thing!!!

No, I don't know her, but her parents have posted this on her blog.

August

I almost always start to get panicked and almost down in August. I HAVE to get to the beach. I did get there a couple weeks ago, but I need MORE. Today won't be the day, but I plan on getting to the pool the moment it opens... School starts in a week!

"Sometimes, I Just Don't Get It," or "When Does it Get Better," or "Good Time to Write a Gratitude List"

The other title for this post would be, if I did not compare my problems with the rest of the world, My Life is Really Sucking at the Moment. And it really could be worse.
But right now, I am wondering what I do with my life and why I bother.
First of all, all I do is work, and that is all my husband does as well. Yet, we hardly have any payoff but our survival. Surviving is important, no doubt, but to live this way for so long is a big drag.
I am moved to write this because it is 10:25 pm, I missed my shower today, took all three kids to the counselor's, but worked with Dakota and Dustin because it was Destiny's turn. Dakota was awful while working with the homework packet, whining, practically eating his feet as he tied up in knots, itching and whining and pouting because he could not remember how to read some words off his word list. When I tell him he's given me the wrong word, he insists I have it wrong. We got through it, and I did not let him make me stop with the homework, but it was no fun.
Dustin has been working on math all year, and even though we go over 3 x6 = 18 over and over, he still cannot seem to remember it. This has been months just on a few math facts. I don't know what to do about it.
Destiny leaves half her stuff at her friend's house, where we have to track it down. She's picked up a weird laugh and is in her little animal world way too much for a girl her age in my opinion. I let her go to her friend's a lot because I used to play with my pals all day too, and it is better than sitting in the house.
Everyone always wants to get on the computer, all the time. This does not happen.
I get asked if they can play PS2 every day, all day. I make them wait until after dinner for the most part.
I've not been to the beach yet. Gas is too much. But we will likely go soon. We get to the pool at least a few times a week, but the pool has lost a lot of the magic for me that it used to have, sad to say. I cannot put my finger on what made the change. I think it may have something to do with what I need in my chakras. I don't need water as much as I used to. I have enough change in life.
We got to the park a few times. Never got back to check for berries. They were not ready when I did go, now it will be too late.
Gene is working his tail off, and continues to have a fantastic attitude. He is a great husband.
My sister needs tons of help as she is taking on more changes in a few weeks than most people will in a few years.
My church is run by a few people who are holding on to a dream that is more of an idol than God's will. They let a good pastor go in exchange for more control or chaos or whatever. In any case, I have no fellowship there in a formal way, but at least one-on-one with a few. Nothing too in-depth, so I can go unnoticed forever. The split in the services was the beginning of the end.
Mom is a fantastic support, as are my sibs. I miss seeing them.
I am tired. I spent most of the day in the basement, after coming back from counseling and feeding them lunch. I used to have what I called a studio, but now it is storage that imitates studio. I have several boxes and shelves of paper and books and mags and whatever. I have this idea I will go thru them, but never do. I also have a studio at Mom's and nowhere to go with it. I accomplish nearly nothing in those areas, because I am cleaning house.
Since I spent all day down in the basement, the dishes that started to pile up last night, after I made dinner, piled up more. It occurs to no one to help. Of course, I am referring to No One. The little kids will help when I ask, but the big kids don't even notice the mess. I don't know why anyone has to be told to do the dishes so I can go on with other things. Gene used to help me but now he is gone to work all day and all night.
Every piece of clothing in the house needs to be washed as well, but I can hardly move in the laundry room. I made the place so nice and now I am stuck with a mattress and box spring that has cluttered it up for weeks-- I can't stand it!!
Gene Jr. moved from a house to an apartment this weekend, so we got rid of One Dresser, One Computer Desk, One Entertainment Center and One Bed. The rest of his stuff is in half the closet and lines the hallway. The hallway that Yogi just peed in, at 10:15 pm, when I am so exhausted. The hallway leading to the kids' room, which contains piles and piles of junk that they have nowhere to put, patched up floor rugs, a huge tv just sitting there and Destiny's bed, which she peed on this morning and yet, did nothing to clean it up until I was tucking her in.
This just makes my day.
Then, as I am stressing out over that, the 17-year old, who stayed up all night playing some sort of game on the computer, announces to me that the dog has peed, and excuses himself to go take a run, walking over me as I am trying to wash all this up, running past the pile of dishes and the laundry which could now go downstairs. He also went to work most of the day and came home early, only to not get any extra sleep except on the couch a bit.
I am just exhausted.
I TOOK the dog out, btw. He is afraid to come out sometimes, and I could not force him. Next time, I will put on his collar and pull him out. Believe me, he will be blocked out of my bedroom tonight, because I have to be the one to get up when he scratches and pounds on our door at 4:30 am to go out or get a drink of water. I cannot take this any more. Gene sleeps through it. I wish I could.
Dakota's skin is getting bad, and I have to take him in to the doctor's, but don't even know where the info is.
Gene's desk is piled over my head with papers to file and bills we ignore. I am not even sure what is to be shut off next or when.
I am overwhelmed. And so tired. I do nearly nothing for myself and have hardly any fun.
I don't know how to make things better. I try and try so hard, all day every day and it never seems to change, ever.
So is this what my life is now? Just a maid for young people who want to play? I think when you are under 12, you OUGHT to be able to play. But they have their jobs and they do them with my help. I cannot just have them "do" them, because they are only learning, so it is still work for me to supervise.
Anyhow, I hope tomorrow is better. This is a total drag.

The Lies that Bind You

I have a big problem: I love to read. I am curious about (it seems) everything. The bigger problem is that I don't really have time to read all that much, so I save it for "another time." This "time" in my mind is the lie. As long as I choose to believe it, I keep magazines, newspaper articles, books. For a long time. Years. Since I was not paying attention to my reading while in Middle School (over 30 years ago now) or perhaps, I felt I should have retained the information, I even have my Jr. Scholastic magazines. They are so cool!! Things about how 18-year olds will vote, cool ads with that early 70s flavor, articles about countries that no longer exist as they did back then. At this point, the collection may land me some change via Ebay, but really! I know I kept them to read them, but now I just don't want to part with them.
Then, I have a year's sub to Ceramics Monthly. I've not thrown clay or mixed a glaze since 1980, but they are here in my basement. And the year I decided I would paint and enter shows, I got American Artist. Still here, 18 years later. No surprise.
Dad passed onto me his Smithsonians. Those are so pretty! A whole article about turquoise and turquoise jewelry. Can I miss that? I have so far. Same with Kachina dolls and Matisse paintings. Then we have those great offers from Better Homes and Gardens, which only charged $12.00 per year. Endless articles on gardens and cooking and decorating, all my interests. What if I need an article on interesting sandwiches? It is more likely I will look it up on the net or ask someone.
I used to get the paper at home, which is a total fire hazard! I will skim thru, find at least one article I want to "spend more time on," and then fold that page up and think I will get to it later. Since that does not happen, the whole stack of pages, which is harmless enough, gets filed to read later. And after that, several stacks follow until a large pile deserves... A Box.
We don't dare get a paper at home any more.
There are others like me out there. I know at least four others who had or have the same issues. Three of them worked with me at, guess where: A magazine publishing company.
So, today, I went thru a few things. Did not read-- no time for that-- but I did notice the dates on some of those mags. If I ever decide to pitch them, I will be sure to sign up for a new subscription, and start over.

Aboard the Goodtime III

These guys definitely like being on the water, in the wind. It was a gorgeous night.

Thoughts upon finishing my 50th year

Yes, finishing (on my birthday, 50 years will have been completed), I see the same old problems I had half a life ago, mostly having to do with discipline.
And memory, short-term, that is. This week I forgot to do at least two things I rarely forget: one appointment and one commitment to help someone. These two things did not even cross my mind. I ended up pulling weeds and watching a classic movie during one, and going to the movies and pool during the other.
Other than that, I am tired. I started being a mom just last year. I did my stepmom stint starting 8 years ago. I had a hard time being disciplined and organized (note: I KNOW how to organize, but it takes time to DO IT) before kids, now it is nothing but a dream-- or a nightmare.
I've lost myself, or lost track of myself, somewhere. I don't know how I can possibly be a good example or role model for these creatures, but they still seem to like me, and even love me regardless.

Life

Life swings from one extreme to another for me, maybe for you? On one hand, we go on trips to the park and see beautiful things, do fun stuff like go on the Goodtime III, pick berries, swim a lot, etc. On the other hand, I get so tired of piles of dishes & laundry, wake up with headaches, am way in debt, way overweight, out of touch with friends too much. I am glad I don't wait for perfect conditions to get out and do those fun things. I am going to complete year 50 in less than a month, and I feel slightly old. I think the kids keep me young.

David Gilmour

This is what i look like under all my baggy clothes

My bedroom looks like that, too.
Actually, that is Rita Hayworth, with Nan Wynn on vocals.
From You Were Never Lovelier (1942).

I like this

The Moon and The Stars 3 by *natasha-cinnamon on deviantART

We Love Warm Weather

Our first day of getting out for vacation.

Spring has Sprung

In the 10 years I've lived in my house, I've never seen a toad in my yard. Yet, Destiny, our indigo child, found one the other day. I hadn't seen her in several minutes, so I looked behind the garage, and found her crouched down near the woodpile. She turned to look at me and quietly informed me that she and the toad were communicating. I am sure they were.

Have you ever seen them?

St. Pat's

Buttermilk Falls after heavy rain

The sound was fantastic.

Kota-man @ Buttermilk Falls

Sunset Pond

Rat Maze

Everywhere I go in the house, I turn on lights, even in the daytime, even in the lights are already on. I just cannot seem to find enough light. I need to go to Florida, and soon. I wear the same gray hoodie around, since it is warm, but it only serves to make my day grayer. My studio is in the basement, and the basement is loaded with stuff already, including my husband's office, where I can hear video game shooting, if he is relaxing. NOT relaxing to me. I need space! The living room is small, the kitchen is busy, my dressing room is cramped and has yellow wallpaper, which I hate. There are not enough windows. No place has enough windows for me. Spring cannot come soon enough. I try not to complain, but I do have my limits, especially on days I don't feel so good, like this week.
It will get better.

Why I Love to Sing

How did I miss this in December?

We'd never get this nowadays

Back in 1964, especially if you grew up in England, you would find this hilarious, which it is.. If any pop group performed Shakespeare today, people would figure it was a "Promote Reading and the Arts" show. I don't sense that U. S. youth are familiar with the arts so much today, especially theater. Enjoy the Fab Four in a section of Act V Scene I of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in which the Rude Mechanicals present their play of Pyramus and Thisbe at the wedding of Theseus and Hippolyta.