So, here we are again, with a fresh start before us. It's actually before us every day, but a new year seems fresher, perhaps because our options are fewer, with gardens in dormancy. It's all basement studio, organizing, taxes, exercise and such, until I lose the memory of my goals. Things always seem to get better, but they don't seem to change much. They really do, but we don't feel it. I have new things to read, new friends to call and develop relationships with intentionally, old habits to re instill, since they worked so well the first time, more space, closed doors, maturing children, limits, snow, birds, family, escapes, vitamins, and things to read and write. Doing something outside the norm is usually good, too. Leaving behind lists that never change would be smart. People and relationships need to be up-front, though, because even if all your ducks are in a row, relationships are the pretty blue pond they need to swim in.
Speaking of, I am spurred to write today while I am working in my new studio because I am thinking about a couple of relationships and about forgiveness and letting things go. We had a party last night, and several old friends came, as well as some new ones. It was refreshing and encouraging. Some people you can talk to sporadically and pick up where you left off. Love is there, trust is there, stories are there. Others you can see often, but never get to know. Relationship takes work, commitment, work, desire, trust, some silliness, and forgiveness. They are two-sided and are only as healthy as the individuals involved. And sometimes people don't want to be friends-- they are afraid, and seem to have their little pond filled. I can only hope and pray and try to be healthy in my thinking and actions toward them, rather than change to fit in.

Well said.

http://youtu.be/YpQHGPGejKs

One Day I Will Make It

When I was in line at Marc's tonight, picking up some groceries right before they closed, a nice woman told me my tag was sticking out. I thanked her and fixed it, but I thought to myself that it just goes with my look. I had shopped for shoes and a new bag at Marshall's with my birthday gift from my brother, and I saw myself in the mirror. I am giant. I am now 100 lbs overweight. My hair is frumpy, my clothes are just there, and it feels ridiculous to shop. I remember being younger and actually caring about what I wore, and shopping for great outfits, finding matching jewelry, shoes, all that. Now, who is going to see me? Where would I wear it? I can find answers to that, or create them, and maybe I would come up with more places to show up if I had cool clothes. But when you are so heavy, you don't look good, NO MATTER WHAT. And you don't feel good, either. I am so uncomfortable sitting, sleeping, walking, driving.
So, I start to do something about it. I usually start with walking or cycling so I don't totally blow myself away set myself up to fail. Then I build up and do okay. Then I have no idea what happens, because I usually am all done in 2 weeks or less. I often get sick within 3 or 4 days. For instance, I worked pretty hard on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Today and yesterday I was really creaking. Yesterday I felt weak, exhausted and sick. Today was much better, but all my joints are sore and I have a sore throat. I don't mind muscle pain, but joints are a bummer. I don't want bursitis, since it lasts so long. 
In any case, I did buy the correct foods and plan to go to the gym tomorrow, or do anything-- tapes, walking, etc.

One way to get some of those pretty colors

Obviously, I need to write a gratitude list

I am not in the mood to be around anyone. I am sick of being fat, sick of not doing what I want, sick of my past constantly getting in the way of my today, and generally discouraged that I seem to be in the same place for so long. I felt like journal-ling about it, and then found out my husband just deleted my journal because he thought he was closing it.
I'm tired of not having carpeting in the kids' rooms or stairway and it looking like a slum. Tired of not having kitchen cabinets and of the floor, which is ripped up since it was installed in 1976. Tired of my dirty van, of not finishing things, not having friends, not having fun, feeling guilty, feeling like I will never move on, feeling alone.
Sad that I never had my own kids, that I still have not been to Europe, that my kids have not seen the ocean, that I can't go on a FLIPPING VACATION, that my kids are hooked on electronics, that our bills are not paid in so many categories and I have no idea how they will be.

Too much

I had a friend in college that let herself feel too much about what she took in. She lost her mind for a period of time and had to be committed. I am very careful how much I let in. If there are too many sad things, or too big or too much of a sad thing, I can't take much more in one day. Last year it was the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. This year it is something else.

Money, power, pink, red

Planned Parenthood has won this one. They spent a lot of money, and they'll make a lot of money. And they'll do so off the shredded corpses of children and the raped consciences of women. If Jesus' kingdom were of this world, we'd be fundraising to keep up with them.

But what we have is greater than that. We have a word that tells a pregnant young woman that we believe her Down Syndrome baby is a gift, not a health care burden. And we can offer the kind of gospel that cleanses the conscience and offers what outlasts money and power: life and that to the uttermost.

Let's work to legally protect women and children. And let's grieve that old Mammon has won the day, again. But let's not grieve like the pagans who have no hope. When it comes to the struggle for life, the color of victory isn't pink like a ribbon. It's red like a cross.

-- Russell D. Moore

No Duh

Being on the internet is bad for me because I feel compelled to process much of what is presented to me, much in the same way I felt obliged to read each article written in the daily paper when I was a kid. It took me awhile to discover adults rarely "read" the paper, let alone each article. This is why it is actually a bad idea for me to have a magazine subscription, brochures, newspapers, or anything that might require consumption. I probably ought to stare at a photo of a library every day to see that I am not God.
I really have to take on a "don't care" attitude if I want to get through checking Facebook. The only things I really care about are my comments to friends and their comments and posts back to me or our general group of friends. Most of the time.

too much indigo

I make myself laugh. My favorite color is indigo, favorite planet is Saturn, favorite number is 6, have been using camphor and eucalyptus on my sinuses, just downloaded 2 night sky apps in the last week and posted clouds as my big photo on my home page. Which of my chakras is overactive? Oh dear.

When the 6th Chakra is over-active or stuck open, confusion and mental fogginess often ensues. In modern times, many of us experience information overload on a continual basis. The onslaught of twenty-four hour news services, millions of websites, screaming cell phones and pagers, and the demands of job and home are enough to cause us existential headaches, never mind actual migraines! --Janet Boyer