Saturday, January 13, 2018

House for Sale

by Nancy Aikins

I stood in my empty kitchen
missing everything that made it a kitchen
and looked out the picture window into the back yard.
There is the old silver maple, still falling apart, busy with bugs and birds
taking advantage of its slow death. There is the fire pit filled with water,
the pit my husband built for his oldest son’s graduation party.
There is the hole where the fountain was,
the fountain I made for our nephew’s graduation party.
Over there is the spent garden,
where peonies bent over, heavy with beauty,
where asparagus sprouted and seeded,
tomatoes overflowed into the next yard,
mint took over just as the ribbon plant,
and flowers kept coming back, year after year.
There is the fairy garden, the stack of chairs,
the broken lattice and some bricks.

The kitchen is quiet, but I can hear all our conversations,
jokes, laughter, homework sessions, planning sessions, holiday meals,
dish washing, dogs, cats, guests. I can see the table that needs cleared,
the floor that needs swept, the shoes left there from yesterday,
the sweater on the back of the chair, books, batteries, toys, pencils.

That floor never did get replaced. Neither did the doors or windows.
The walls and wallpaper took a long time, but looked nice.
The kids never came back for seven years. By then, we got more.
Working was hard, as the kids all had needs and I chose to be there.
It was fun and it was worth it, but something had to go
and it would not be people or memories, but the house and sometimes our nerves.


That kitchen will never be empty.


Monday, January 01, 2018

2018 is the Year I Will Turn 60 (I hope)

A new friend inspired me to write in my blog again, so being a copy-cat, here I am.
What is new with you? With me, lots. This is the first winter in the "new" house. It's very nice. The heat is gravity heat, so no annoying blowers to wake me up when they rattle. There's lots of light,
which means a lot to me. Then there are some tasks we finally got to this week, getting rid of the boxes of mystery in the filing closet being one. There's order in the closet! My husband haaaaaates doing that stuff, but he plowed through it with me, though my plow is like a state truck and his is a Jeep with a pusher. He is so much better at social things; paperwork is like torture. I hate it too, but we have to practice adulting before we move to the old folks home. Not that we will, as we have very little retirement.
I took down half the holiday decor already, though I am not sure it was noticeable. The main room was decorated the most, the living room with the mantel and tree and such. The kitchen had a little, which is gone now, and the dining room's is half-packed as well. I am ready to Move On. Since I took the Enneagram test and scored a Type 4 (I actually tied with a 5 and 7 as well), it might his explain why I live out here with the decorations and windows and the rest of my family sits in front of a laptop, a computer, a telephone or a handheld.  Explains plenty.
Des is getting ready to start her semester at college in a week; Dakota is back Thursday to Mayfield. We have snow, magic snow that appeared on Christmas Eve and has been with us since. I have been sick, so I have not been out in it much. First time being sick in 2 years. As long as there is no nausea, I am happy.
Mom had her Christmas party a week after I got back from Florida. Yes, I went to Florida for the first time in many years. It was fantastic. It was a gift from my brother, and we stayed at his place. I walked to the beach every morning. It was like heaven. So Mom got back after me and had the party. It is always nice, but I am supposed to hold it next year. I hope people come.
I have been in Overeaters Anonymous for a year now. I really like it. I had a month of abstinence, but blew it a week ago. I had another day started, but today wasn't abstinent, so the clock starts again tomorrow. In any case, I have grown in many ways, not outwardly, thank goodness, and lost 10 pounds this year. Not great, but not horrid.
More than anything, I am hoping to get all this clutter out of the way and my studio opened up again so I can paint. I just want to get down there and do it. I go nuts when I have to keep doing other things first, all the time, especially when I feel alone doing it.
I am also committing to going to do my drawing on Wednesdays and Fridays. That's it. I just have to go. I need people, peers, fun. I am alone too much and do boring things ad nauseum. Everything will change in spring, when I cannot think straight, I will be outside so much.
And money. I still need to figure out how to make it and hope beyond hope, I can soon. I am often convinced that I am the reason we lost our house. This is very defeating and I think it makes me actually numb to be in that category.
I do feel like an idiot sometimes, though I am not one.
So, no earth-shattering news or info. Just me rambling while everyone's at the movies.