squirrel

I am really having to combat the shame thing today. Needing to remember to breathe, need to turn things over to God because that is a good idea but also because my ulcer wants to return. I am going out for a walk and I know this will help.

Mixed up

Well, it is almost 8 pm on Sunday night. I've been to church today- good sermon and lovely music. Did not have much singing voice as I have not had much sleep lately. I did try some melatonin last night and it helped. Gene got in at 3:45 from driving.
The kids are off again tomorrow. Dakota finally finished his homework, I guess. Not sure about Des. We had a gift card from David for dinner at Subway. Spent time at the library working on my iMovie for the church. I am almost done. Des rented a bunch of stuff, including Dr. Who, Season 9. I have to spend time prepping my 30 minute lesson for tomorrow in preschool. I feel kind of tired, but suspect I am depressed.

Last night I decided, when I saw that the Calumet was in port, I wanted to go down and take pictures. Instead, I decided it would be too dark by the time I got down there, so why not go to the Christmas lighting on the square? I did that by myself. I sang to the songs I usually avoid and made the best of it on the way down, but I was actually kind of sad that I could not get anyone to go with me. I spend most of my time this way, doing things on my own instead of not doing them. It is not what I had in mind for my life, but that is where it's at. The whole thing was nice, I met a fellow artist, and left as they started on the classic rock instead of classic Christmas. How weird. Was home by 7:30 and posted them on Facebook.

Spent Friday night at Mom's watching PBS infomercials on the 50s hits.
The kids will clean the kitchen tomorrow.
Gene is hoping to come up with enough for insurance by Wednesday. He now has a cold.
Just as much as being broke, older and fuddier, having no clothes that express who I am (a mask in itself) and doing much of my life alone, my weight bothers me the most, every day, every minute. I knew depression was an issue when, on the way home from the lighting, I stopped for cat food, and bought chips and cookies for the kids. Thankfully, they do eat most of them, but it's a sign.
Then I found out that I registered for a weekend marriage thingy and forgot to reserve our room. That is $300 we do not have, so now we have no getaway weekend. Very disappointing.
There is no money for Christmas gifts, just like last year.
The cat keeps meowing outside this door. Everyone needs me for something.