Arguing or Discussing

Within my family of origin, it is known that I want to discuss issues much further past the point of comfort than others. It can be annoying and amazing to families and friends that I want to continue to discuss uncomfortable subjects when people present are either shaking their heads, cutting off the conversation or leaving the room. Typically, the topics are things like elections, abortion, philosophy, race, or sexually related issues.
Why do I go on? First, I argue, not to win, but to understand. Second, I typically have a great deal of trust in the relationship with the person I am discussing things with. I ask a lot of questions to see if they will rephrase their response, hopefully in a way I can understand what they are saying. I am also working to broaden the topic a bit, in search of some context. This can go fine in many cases, especially if I am talking to someone who knows me well enough to trust the relationship will not dissolve if we agree to disagree.
Speaking of, I am so "okay" with agreeing to disagree. Think about anything important you believe. Did you come to this belief while in the heat of an argument? Of course not. Most of us need to come to our beliefs on our own, while either thinking, praying, writing, pondering, walking, or sometimes, after just waking up after a good night's sleep. Everything needs some time to process. I really want to hear what you are saying, for the sake of knowing, not for the chance to pounce on you. I hope you are the same.
What is disheartening is when you are cut off from people because they do not have enough faith in the friendship or the process, when you really thought they would. There is a neat "hump" you get over when you go ahead and discuss your topic to a clearer understanding, working through the discomfort. It is hard to realize that your friend (or family member) cannot discuss things with you maybe because they either think you will disagree or dislike them afterwards. It does not even cross my mind, and it is amazing to me that it would cross theirs. Maybe there are other reasons, however. Sometimes the subject at hand is too personal or painful for the other person to discuss. They do not want to cross a line that will seemingly condemn them, and beg to not enter that area of discussion. Maybe the time or place is wrong. Maybe they have a headache or lost friends on this topic once. I have to be so careful not to insist on continuing. I have to be loving and sensitive to those possibilities, whether shared or not.