The other title for this post would be, if I did not compare my problems with the rest of the world, My Life is Really Sucking at the Moment. And it really could be worse.
But right now, I am wondering what I do with my life and why I bother.
First of all, all I do is work, and that is all my husband does as well. Yet, we hardly have any payoff but our survival. Surviving is important, no doubt, but to live this way for so long is a big drag.
I am moved to write this because it is 10:25 pm, I missed my shower today, took all three kids to the counselor's, but worked with Dakota and Dustin because it was Destiny's turn. Dakota was awful while working with the homework packet, whining, practically eating his feet as he tied up in knots, itching and whining and pouting because he could not remember how to read some words off his word list. When I tell him he's given me the wrong word, he insists I have it wrong. We got through it, and I did not let him make me stop with the homework, but it was no fun.
Dustin has been working on math all year, and even though we go over 3 x6 = 18 over and over, he still cannot seem to remember it. This has been months just on a few math facts. I don't know what to do about it.
Destiny leaves half her stuff at her friend's house, where we have to track it down. She's picked up a weird laugh and is in her little animal world way too much for a girl her age in my opinion. I let her go to her friend's a lot because I used to play with my pals all day too, and it is better than sitting in the house.
Everyone always wants to get on the computer, all the time. This does not happen.
I get asked if they can play PS2 every day, all day. I make them wait until after dinner for the most part.
I've not been to the beach yet. Gas is too much. But we will likely go soon. We get to the pool at least a few times a week, but the pool has lost a lot of the magic for me that it used to have, sad to say. I cannot put my finger on what made the change. I think it may have something to do with what I need in my chakras. I don't need water as much as I used to. I have enough change in life.
We got to the park a few times. Never got back to check for berries. They were not ready when I did go, now it will be too late.
Gene is working his tail off, and continues to have a fantastic attitude. He is a great husband.
My sister needs tons of help as she is taking on more changes in a few weeks than most people will in a few years.
My church is run by a few people who are holding on to a dream that is more of an idol than God's will. They let a good pastor go in exchange for more control or chaos or whatever. In any case, I have no fellowship there in a formal way, but at least one-on-one with a few. Nothing too in-depth, so I can go unnoticed forever. The split in the services was the beginning of the end.
Mom is a fantastic support, as are my sibs. I miss seeing them.
I am tired. I spent most of the day in the basement, after coming back from counseling and feeding them lunch. I used to have what I called a studio, but now it is storage that imitates studio. I have several boxes and shelves of paper and books and mags and whatever. I have this idea I will go thru them, but never do. I also have a studio at Mom's and nowhere to go with it. I accomplish nearly nothing in those areas, because I am cleaning house.
Since I spent all day down in the basement, the dishes that started to pile up last night, after I made dinner, piled up more. It occurs to no one to help. Of course, I am referring to No One. The little kids will help when I ask, but the big kids don't even notice the mess. I don't know why anyone has to be told to do the dishes so I can go on with other things. Gene used to help me but now he is gone to work all day and all night.
Every piece of clothing in the house needs to be washed as well, but I can hardly move in the laundry room. I made the place so nice and now I am stuck with a mattress and box spring that has cluttered it up for weeks-- I can't stand it!!
Gene Jr. moved from a house to an apartment this weekend, so we got rid of One Dresser, One Computer Desk, One Entertainment Center and One Bed. The rest of his stuff is in half the closet and lines the hallway. The hallway that Yogi just peed in, at 10:15 pm, when I am so exhausted. The hallway leading to the kids' room, which contains piles and piles of junk that they have nowhere to put, patched up floor rugs, a huge tv just sitting there and Destiny's bed, which she peed on this morning and yet, did nothing to clean it up until I was tucking her in.
This just makes my day.
Then, as I am stressing out over that, the 17-year old, who stayed up all night playing some sort of game on the computer, announces to me that the dog has peed, and excuses himself to go take a run, walking over me as I am trying to wash all this up, running past the pile of dishes and the laundry which could now go downstairs. He also went to work most of the day and came home early, only to not get any extra sleep except on the couch a bit.
I am just exhausted.
I TOOK the dog out, btw. He is afraid to come out sometimes, and I could not force him. Next time, I will put on his collar and pull him out. Believe me, he will be blocked out of my bedroom tonight, because I have to be the one to get up when he scratches and pounds on our door at 4:30 am to go out or get a drink of water. I cannot take this any more. Gene sleeps through it. I wish I could.
Dakota's skin is getting bad, and I have to take him in to the doctor's, but don't even know where the info is.
Gene's desk is piled over my head with papers to file and bills we ignore. I am not even sure what is to be shut off next or when.
I am overwhelmed. And so tired. I do nearly nothing for myself and have hardly any fun.
I don't know how to make things better. I try and try so hard, all day every day and it never seems to change, ever.
So is this what my life is now? Just a maid for young people who want to play? I think when you are under 12, you OUGHT to be able to play. But they have their jobs and they do them with my help. I cannot just have them "do" them, because they are only learning, so it is still work for me to supervise.
Anyhow, I hope tomorrow is better. This is a total drag.
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