Waking thoughts

Sunday, Oct. 23, 2011
5:45 am

I've been up since 5. I used my CPAP last night, so I feel pretty good. It is dark out, and there is a big, bright star to my left as I type on the kitchen table. Kitty is on a chair to my right. I am toasting a freezer waffle since my tummy feels funny and I am not so sure what to eat. As usual, I am all in touch with details of settings and details themselves. Not sure why, but I guess I think my journals will be read and this is part of what I am like. Why that matters, I don't know, in the big scheme of things.

Which is why I am up writing. I was lying in bed thinking about how much of my life I spend so unsatisfied, most of it because of my own lack of discipline, foggy thinking, and/or unrealistic expectations. I've been told before that I set my bar too high and will never be happy because I am waiting for things to be in order, but not able to put them there consistently. What would happen if this were to occur? The words in the question are revealing because this stuff does not just occur, you have to make it happen. So being healthy, having the books balanced, living simply, traveling, using gifts and all that do not just happen. Besides that, I am old enough to know that life is about relationship, and relationship to things and habits are not what I want. I have a bad cycle of not contributing to my own personal goals.

Most difficult: relationship to my body
Most on the edge: relationship to money
Most distant: relationship to goals
Most consistent: relationship to surroundings
Most controlling: relationship to unfinished business, guilt and shame
Most satisfying: relationship to people who seem to love me more than I love myself
Most fulfilling: relationship to God
Most frustrating: relationship to order
Most puzzling: relationship to whatever success might mean to me that day