End of August

I had a fantastic birthday.
Today I have a headache coming on strong and am now going to stay in my studio for as long as possible, cranking tunes.
We have about $25 left in total.
Not much food at all.
No new school clothes, except Desi's birthday outfit and Kota's new shoes.
The house is pretty clean, except for the kids' rooms.
We finally got some good rain.
Zombie golf on Fri & Sat, Fireworks on Sunday. I hope we have tons of customers and make some moola.
Could not wake up today, so sleepy. I wish we had some Pepsi.
You don't work, you don't get paid. I am working all the time, but only so much pay.
It will be a good year.

Where Does it Come From?

Stuff is in my house. It is always showing up in piles and boxes and bags, causing me grief and prompting me to write in my blog since it such a constant. Stuff separates me from my family and the activities I enjoy and need the most. No one else seems to notice Stuff. I am told to ignore Stuff, like everyone else. I ignored the two fishing rods brought into the house in mid-June. I do not own them, nor did I bring them in, but they moved around from the kitchen to the red room to the living room and back to the kitchen until I asked about them today-- the end of August. It is my fault they are still in the house, because Stuff is My Problem-- no one else has to notice it and I was supposed to Ask Someone to take them out to the garage so they can sit in there for the next few years, since no one actually fishes. The Stuff in the garage and laundry room are all my responsibility as well, and the closets, cubby hole, bookcases, kitchen, refrigerator, studio, pantry, garden, porches and bedroom. I am tired and it is a lonely job, interviewing Stuff, to see if they are needed or wanted or useful. I would rather be doing something more interesting, but getting Stuff out of the house is necessary if we want to sit down, eat, sign papers, find anything or have something to wear. I'm not really sure what to do about it.

Shop at my Etsy Store!

This, Not That

I seem to be running on someone else's schedule, doing someone else's To Do List. I missed my shower 2 days straight because I've been on my knees cleaning the floor in the kitchen-- the kids did most of the scrubbing, but I waxed, moved out units of cupboards, appliances, carts, etc. and we cleaned under, sides, etc. really well. I broke the big picture window's second pane. Des put in screens and washed the side windows. The only thing left is the hutch.
This is not what I planned on doing this week, but since a bag of potatoes was hidden under the onions under the sink they turned to mush and we had fruit flies. We had no idea what was causing the fruit flies until this big Kitchen Cleanup happened. It is one of those things I do every year, but missed last year. It really needed it and I would not have done it yet but Gene got the kids involved and it was in motion.
The cat was catching mice in the back yard-- I could hear the squeaking. Hopefully it was shrews. In most cases I would freak out, but I am too tired. To top it off, one got in the house. It's in my room.
I am going to take a shower now. I hope the cat finds it and I can sleep well...
squeak!!!

End of Spring

It's been a lovely spring, really. Not for other states, perhaps, but in our area, very nice.
I divided up my gardening and had the kids more involved this year. Last year, we were not home much and it had to be one of the worst years for gardening anyways, with the horrid heat and lack of rain. This year, we have had refreshing, dry days with blue skies and puffy white clouds. Every few days we get a good rain, so the weeds have been easy to pull. My  hands are sore and in the morning, it's hard to bend my fingers.
I am not saying we have had things planted in neat little rows since May. I've only planted a dozen sunflower seeds so far. We have about 5 plants 6 inches high. Two of their heads have been eaten off already. Most of my hostas are looking ragged, since this is the first year we've had the deer right up to the house as well as lounging in the back. I like this year in the yard because I've not been so alone and because I am allowing myself to enjoy it and FINISH it. I just wish we had money for more soil and lots of mulch.
Today I thought about how nice it is to be at ground-level with the plants and to hear the sounds of birds, leaves moving, the sound of pulling or clipping plants. The colors and smells are so nice.
I will probably plant all my seeds. Some are from this year, some from other years. I don't care- what do I  have to lose? I have no idea if the deer like pumpkins and squash, spinach, and the rest, but I will find out.

Not liking it

I live a half-life.

If everything on your to-do list has to do with what you did not finish yesterday, last week, last year, last decade, you are not much in today. That is what is nice about having kids-- they force you into today's list. I am tempted to rush through it to "catch up," but I know it is no good. So I slog along with hair unkempt, socks unmatched, laundry undone, checkbook unbalanced, food unchopped, floor dirty, calls unmade, letters unwritten-- and carry the guilt and shame with me everywhere I go.

I am just doing something wrong. Still fat, still broke, still tired, still not been to Europe, still lonely. Yes, I am doing many more things right. And I do give so much of my time away. I've been working on my church anniversary slide show for 3 days. Gave up some sunny days out in the garden. Missed weeks of workouts. Trying to catch up with my teaching jobs, which are bringing in less than expected. Spend so much time driving people around, going to things at school, errands, etc. I have little time for work that makes money. Gee one more thing to feel bad about.

Pressure

I need peer pressure in my life. With no peers, I don't care what I wear, what my house looks like (after awhile), what I am eating. Yes, I do care to an extent, and I keep on track for the most part, but the extra information that someone is watching me, is helpful. Maybe that is why I blog. It's definitely why I am on Facebook.
I've been reading a few different books for a few years. Though I am taking my time and haven't finished a one, they have been contributing to my growth and development-- the slow pushing me out of my bad habits. One is The Creative Habit by Twila Tharp. Thanks to reading that book, I've got a space now to work in, one that actually does promote creativity and accomplishment. Another would be Overcoming Underearning, by Barbara Sanny. A third is How to Be a Grown Up, by Stacy Kaiser. Of course, the Bible is a staple.
I'm taking the time to prepare a couple entries for an art show. I've wanted to enter it for years, and am never ready. Tonight is the last chance to enter, and I have to have the stuff up there by 7-8. It's also Desi's birthday, Dakota's award night and Dustin's tennis match. I don't have a gift (though she got some earlier) or a cake yet. I figure we have to have cake after Scouts? I need a shower. I'm nervous.
I'm too picky, maybe. I was educated to have certain standards-- what kind of tape, frame, glass, etc. and am tempted to talk myself out of it because it is not perfect. But it is just an entry. Doing that much is a big deal, whether I make it or not. I need the pressure.

Driving Hope

Today I woke up from a dream in which I was driving a pretty big jalopy. It might have been a Rolls Royce without a top. It was cream-colored and I don't think I enjoyed it and I know I had one passenger, trying to direct me. I came down a fork in a road, rather than approaching one, and chickened-out when it came to merging. I instead stopped in front of a sign with the intention of letting others pass on my left while I figured out which way I was going (though I had no choice anyhow). The sign turned into another vehicle, which I crunched into and the traffic which could have passed me pushed me along instead. We were in Cleveland, on a bridge, with many levels of ramps and buildings all around. We got into traffic at last and then I woke up.
Last Tuesday we drove down to Athens and had a very nice visit with friends in their new, simplified house. I've known these friends since we were all 18, and love them dearly. I left them with quilts passed on to me from another of our Athens friends. Then we all got back into our cars on Wednesday morning and made our way through West Virginia, Virginia and Tennessee, ending in Gatlinburg. The hills were steep and I am glad the car made it through all that. That same route was the scene of a 75-car pileup a few days later, due to incredibly thick fog.
Destiny was sick the whole time, with a cold. The indoor pool was not worth the extra effort and cost; it was too small and crowded. Gatlinburg is really kind of overrun and worn. Too many people. It was fun to watch the kids' reaction to the very wacky sights in Sevierville and Pigeon Forge, but I would rather focus on the national park and the crafters. The hype and commercialism is so over-the-top, but I think it's fun to have the kids see stuff like that at least once. By the time we drove  home, we were pretty tired, my hips were sore and I had picked up Desi's cold. Gene had to do most of the driving and it was a long day. Everyone was happy to sleep in their own bed again. Easter was the next day and I missed the service from the cold and slept all day. Kind of a bummer, it being my favorite holiday.

Yes, of course that's the Titanic.
I slept a lot, trying to rid myself of the cold since Gene was scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. Gene Jr. came up from Columbus and took him and sat with him since I was too germy. I missed the whole thing and stayed in bed.
Meanwhile, my friends had to meet people to see if there is any chance of keeping their newly adopted daughter.
Another friend had chest pains, back pain, a blod clot, cancer and then died at 67-- all in a matter of days.
Another friend was about to go leave and golf with a buddy, who died of a cardiac arrest. Then he himself fell and broke several ribs.
Another friend fell and broke her shoulder. Another went to hospital for possible pneumonia. Another one was still in hospital for other things. Another got a knee replacement, right after her step dad got total hip replacement. And then Bob died before we left and his service was today.
At least little Andrew, 4 BEAT HODGKINS LYMPHOMA this week. Thank God.
And my husband did really well in surgery.
And Dakota did NOT have lice, as a hairdresser assumed, seeing his scratches dues to his eczema. I spent all day cleaning, combing, buying stuff to clean and comb, and NOTHING. She was wrong.
I got a new vacuum out of it.
It's nice to be home and nice to have Gene home. Time to buy charcoal, clean out gardens, have some hope. It could be worse.

Confessions

Forgive me, for I don't feel my age.
Forgive me for overeating.
Forgive me for not being a disciplined person.
Forgive me for not looking good, or many times, not trying to.
Forgive me for not paying my bills on time.
Forgive me for not having kids.
Forgive me for not acting my age.
Forgive me for being messy.
Forgive me for being lazy.
Forgive me for not putting things back where they belong.
Forgive me for yelling.
Forgive me for wasting time.
...for trying to do too much.
...for not prioritizing correctly.
...for having too much stuff.
...for eating wrong.
...for not planning.
...for my dirty car.
...for being nervous.
...for being loud.
...for being silly.
...for not facing the facts.
...for being overweight and unhealthy.
...for not working in a cubicle.
...for loving change.
...for loving travel.
...for loving the man I love.
...for raising other people's kids.
...for making art.
...for singing in the rain.
...for liking calendars and clocks.
...for making lists.
...for forgetting.
...for not being athletic.
...for my many depressions.
...for not having you over more often.
...for not paying you back.
...for not spending more time with you.
...for not being honest with myself.
...for not believing in myself.
...for not being good in math.
...for reruns.
...for not cooking more interesting meals.
...for not pulling weeds.
...for not ironing.
...for not having a good lawn.
...for the junk in the back yard.
...for not liking to answer the phone all the time.
...for taking on too much.

So, here we are again, with a fresh start before us. It's actually before us every day, but a new year seems fresher, perhaps because our options are fewer, with gardens in dormancy. It's all basement studio, organizing, taxes, exercise and such, until I lose the memory of my goals. Things always seem to get better, but they don't seem to change much. They really do, but we don't feel it. I have new things to read, new friends to call and develop relationships with intentionally, old habits to re instill, since they worked so well the first time, more space, closed doors, maturing children, limits, snow, birds, family, escapes, vitamins, and things to read and write. Doing something outside the norm is usually good, too. Leaving behind lists that never change would be smart. People and relationships need to be up-front, though, because even if all your ducks are in a row, relationships are the pretty blue pond they need to swim in.
Speaking of, I am spurred to write today while I am working in my new studio because I am thinking about a couple of relationships and about forgiveness and letting things go. We had a party last night, and several old friends came, as well as some new ones. It was refreshing and encouraging. Some people you can talk to sporadically and pick up where you left off. Love is there, trust is there, stories are there. Others you can see often, but never get to know. Relationship takes work, commitment, work, desire, trust, some silliness, and forgiveness. They are two-sided and are only as healthy as the individuals involved. And sometimes people don't want to be friends-- they are afraid, and seem to have their little pond filled. I can only hope and pray and try to be healthy in my thinking and actions toward them, rather than change to fit in.

Well said.

http://youtu.be/YpQHGPGejKs

One Day I Will Make It

When I was in line at Marc's tonight, picking up some groceries right before they closed, a nice woman told me my tag was sticking out. I thanked her and fixed it, but I thought to myself that it just goes with my look. I had shopped for shoes and a new bag at Marshall's with my birthday gift from my brother, and I saw myself in the mirror. I am giant. I am now 100 lbs overweight. My hair is frumpy, my clothes are just there, and it feels ridiculous to shop. I remember being younger and actually caring about what I wore, and shopping for great outfits, finding matching jewelry, shoes, all that. Now, who is going to see me? Where would I wear it? I can find answers to that, or create them, and maybe I would come up with more places to show up if I had cool clothes. But when you are so heavy, you don't look good, NO MATTER WHAT. And you don't feel good, either. I am so uncomfortable sitting, sleeping, walking, driving.
So, I start to do something about it. I usually start with walking or cycling so I don't totally blow myself away set myself up to fail. Then I build up and do okay. Then I have no idea what happens, because I usually am all done in 2 weeks or less. I often get sick within 3 or 4 days. For instance, I worked pretty hard on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Today and yesterday I was really creaking. Yesterday I felt weak, exhausted and sick. Today was much better, but all my joints are sore and I have a sore throat. I don't mind muscle pain, but joints are a bummer. I don't want bursitis, since it lasts so long. 
In any case, I did buy the correct foods and plan to go to the gym tomorrow, or do anything-- tapes, walking, etc.

One way to get some of those pretty colors

Obviously, I need to write a gratitude list

I am not in the mood to be around anyone. I am sick of being fat, sick of not doing what I want, sick of my past constantly getting in the way of my today, and generally discouraged that I seem to be in the same place for so long. I felt like journal-ling about it, and then found out my husband just deleted my journal because he thought he was closing it.
I'm tired of not having carpeting in the kids' rooms or stairway and it looking like a slum. Tired of not having kitchen cabinets and of the floor, which is ripped up since it was installed in 1976. Tired of my dirty van, of not finishing things, not having friends, not having fun, feeling guilty, feeling like I will never move on, feeling alone.
Sad that I never had my own kids, that I still have not been to Europe, that my kids have not seen the ocean, that I can't go on a FLIPPING VACATION, that my kids are hooked on electronics, that our bills are not paid in so many categories and I have no idea how they will be.

Too much

I had a friend in college that let herself feel too much about what she took in. She lost her mind for a period of time and had to be committed. I am very careful how much I let in. If there are too many sad things, or too big or too much of a sad thing, I can't take much more in one day. Last year it was the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. This year it is something else.

Money, power, pink, red

Planned Parenthood has won this one. They spent a lot of money, and they'll make a lot of money. And they'll do so off the shredded corpses of children and the raped consciences of women. If Jesus' kingdom were of this world, we'd be fundraising to keep up with them.

But what we have is greater than that. We have a word that tells a pregnant young woman that we believe her Down Syndrome baby is a gift, not a health care burden. And we can offer the kind of gospel that cleanses the conscience and offers what outlasts money and power: life and that to the uttermost.

Let's work to legally protect women and children. And let's grieve that old Mammon has won the day, again. But let's not grieve like the pagans who have no hope. When it comes to the struggle for life, the color of victory isn't pink like a ribbon. It's red like a cross.

-- Russell D. Moore

No Duh

Being on the internet is bad for me because I feel compelled to process much of what is presented to me, much in the same way I felt obliged to read each article written in the daily paper when I was a kid. It took me awhile to discover adults rarely "read" the paper, let alone each article. This is why it is actually a bad idea for me to have a magazine subscription, brochures, newspapers, or anything that might require consumption. I probably ought to stare at a photo of a library every day to see that I am not God.
I really have to take on a "don't care" attitude if I want to get through checking Facebook. The only things I really care about are my comments to friends and their comments and posts back to me or our general group of friends. Most of the time.

too much indigo

I make myself laugh. My favorite color is indigo, favorite planet is Saturn, favorite number is 6, have been using camphor and eucalyptus on my sinuses, just downloaded 2 night sky apps in the last week and posted clouds as my big photo on my home page. Which of my chakras is overactive? Oh dear.

When the 6th Chakra is over-active or stuck open, confusion and mental fogginess often ensues. In modern times, many of us experience information overload on a continual basis. The onslaught of twenty-four hour news services, millions of websites, screaming cell phones and pagers, and the demands of job and home are enough to cause us existential headaches, never mind actual migraines! --Janet Boyer

What a day

I am really having to fight today. I feel like a failure about to fall off the end of the world. I am in the basement, on and off this computer, but still, again, working on clearing this place out. It seems like that is all I do, is purge. How can that be? If that is all I do, how come it never goes away? Well, it does get better and clears out. But I just want to get it to a "finished" state, where I am not completely surrounded by junk and boxes of Things Unfinished. After cleaning out the Things Unfinished, Things Not Paid For, Things Completely Ignored side, the Office, then I go to the other side of the room, my studio, which seems to be a monumental tribute to Lost Potential, Missed Opportunities and When You Used to Have a Life. Gee, I can hardly wait to dig in.
But the End of The World part is not the mess and all those Shame Departments, it's my Very Late Mortgage. There are lots of reasons, a few reasonable and many not. I don't want to move, don't want to lose my house, don't want to have more regret. But for now, I am sad.

Just a Tuesday Night

Crabby me.
We had the Jr. High Football Banquet tonight. I guess as those things go, we were told it was one of the best. The moms involved put it together. I was not involved as they seemed to get together on their own and did not get the word out until they needed money for the banquet. I never did see a roster of the players, even tho we ask every year. On the sidelines, just like Dustin. Regardless, he had a great time. It was nice to see all the guys sitting together, having fun. They had a good season. Trophies and certificates were given, speeches delivered on scholastics, pizza and pasta and cake served, all while the R&B was playing almost too loud for visiting. I was frustrated, as we got home way after bedtime and I hate it when you can't visit who you are seated with.
Then we cannot get to the tv fast enough, can we? I wish we would just come home and skip the tv and put on the music. And talk. I know if I requested it we could, but if only it was natural. So, I don't WANT to see NCIS and I come into the kitchen to be on the laptop.
I cleaned up and purged throughout the house. Now that it is my turn to get to the studio, I am back to working outside the house. For good reason, too, as we are late on the payments again. It is nerve-wracking. I am praying a lot.